All in Post-It Wall Notes
The wonder we experienced in our youth is not lightning in a bottle. It is, however, a very specific kind of wonder that is no longer sold in stores or available through Amazon.
Sesame Street needs a Hasidic Jew character. Could be a Muppet, could be a human. Yes, there’s Oscar the Grouch and Julia the Autistic, but to truly represent an individual who complains and struggles with a break from routine, a Hasidic Jew is the best you’ll get.
Phrases like “not to mention” and “ who needs no introduction” written or said leading into an introduction are completely false statements and make no sense in any context they’re used. They should be removed from our language patterns completely. It goes without saying that these phrases and others should not be used ever again.
I would take the innocence and ignorance of youth over the guilt and wisdom of old age.
If someone asks you to not yell at them and you respond by yelling, “I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU!” you’ve revealed your true intentions.
Does Elmo go to school? Because I wouldn’t mind seeing that little red monster take a bullet in a school shooting.
The best part about having a birthday as a married man is that for twenty-four hours, you’re 100 percent guaranteed that your wife won’t look at you like you’re a stupid idiot. It’s the best gift any happily married man can receive.
Clocking in at 3 a.m. when the bit of work is the last thing on your day’s to-do list couples a sense of mania with the feeling of awesome productivity.
Then again, how effectively productive were you if you’re going to be wrapping your day up at 5 a.m.? Putz.
It’s not just men who are ruining things for women. It’s also the women who agree with the men and support them. Selfish and mean behavior is as fluid as gender itself.
The man sitting in front of his computer loudly spoke into his phone. “Define debauchery.” I answered. “Yelling at your phone in a library instead of typing the word into your internet browser.”
Those who make their birthday a month-long celebration are greedy, self-centered, and obnoxious.
Avoidance is also a great tool to use when constructing your happy life. Save your energy for your art and raising your children to be kind, but funny people.
• Two things I’ll never do:
1. See the Notre Dame Cathedral pre-fire
2. Have sex with a virgin
Easter was canceled. They found the body.