THE WITNESSES: Chapter One
The first chapter of an in-progress novel.
“The voice began on a Tuesday morning while Monte Walsh was standing in his kitchen, holding an unopened package of bacon over the garbage can.”
I Like to Watch | Digger (2026)
Sometimes hypocrisy just shrugs.
Sometimes hypocrisy gets elected.
Sometimes hypocrisy buys the platform.
Sometimes hypocrisy becomes a fucking lifestyle brand.
The Last Offensive Man in America
Walter Briggs was arrested on a Tuesday morning for telling a joke.
OnlyHens
The concept, as described in the thirty-eight-page proposal Randy submitted to the city’s Planning Department, was “a disruptive digital entertainment property combining creator culture, competitive reality programming, food-based aspirational branding, and the democratization of female entrepreneurship.”
Places Without an Audience
By morning, he had decided he needed somewhere nobody cared about theater, someplace where the name Chekhov was more likely to be mistaken for a rifle than a playwright.
The Last Trick
There was no thunder, no glowing doorway, no mysterious wind blowing through the apartment, and no choir of angels politely alerting me that physics had submitted its resignation.
The deck simply felt heavier.
The Applause Machine: Part Three—NOW AVAILABLE IN THIRTY SECONDS
“We do not sell products. We sell relief from the injuries created by the culture selling the products. The customer arrives bleeding. We sell him a more attractive knife.”
The Applause Machine: Part Two—THE MINISTRY OF CULTURAL HYGIENE
He sat across from Director Wallace at a white table. Between them was a bowl of individually wrapped mints. This offended him more than the hood. Torture should not involve mints. It suggested customer service.
The Applause Machine: Part One—FAILURE IS MARKET RESEARCH
People came.
At first they came to be angry.
Then they came to be seen being angry.
Then they came because tickets became difficult to obtain.
Instructions for the Proper Disposal of Dangerous Literature, or How I Accidentally Fell in Love During Office Hours
Its cover was plain linen, the color of fossilized limestone. There was no author. No publication date. The first page contained only a sentence.
I have been waiting for you.
Bucking the Tiger
Pan's eyes lit up. "I have met God."
Hume paused in the dealing. Roberts's mouth turned into a grim smile. "You've met God, have you, you heathen prick?"
Pan nodded. "I have. God is a white man."
Divorce, Rain, and Other Maintenance Issues
The universe, as far as I can tell, is held together with embarrassingly small kindnesses.
Compensation Commensurate with Sacrifice
“They waited for the next frightened person to confuse survival with surrender.”
We're Letting You Go
"You know, people misunderstand Human Resources. They think we're here for employees."
The Emergency Exit
“Chuck had spent half his life mistaking another person’s pain for his assignment.”
The Ocean Doesn't Care About Your Pond
Everyone is extraordinary somewhere. Growth begins the moment you discover how ordinary you are.
The Broken Machine
Jack took a deep breath. "Why is it so easy for you to dismiss the truth for your convenience? You have to understand that the personal is political, right?
Problematic Movies of the '80s | Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)
I find myself bemused and slightly embarrassed that in my years of most physically viable my choices were so directly motivated by my cock.
Grizzly
He lied there, the beast breathing slowly, and wondered what happened? Where was his wife? Did she do this to him? Why?
I Believe… [Pay Attention to the Pause]
...that life has no rewind button but it has a pause button if you’re paying attention.
The first chapter of an in-progress novel.
“The voice began on a Tuesday morning while Monte Walsh was standing in his kitchen, holding an unopened package of bacon over the garbage can.”