Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 26, 2020
Our home is so filthy, there’s a 30 percent chance my beard is just a gathering of my dog’s shedded hair.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 19, 2020
If your concern over stay-at-home orders is because of the negative impact it may have on mental health, fuck you. Where was your concern over mental health before you couldn’t get your Starbucks each day?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 12, 2020
Walked past the nice homeless guy who hangs around outside my 7-11. He said, “Hey, man! I love your dog, you know!” I said, “Hey, buddy! How’re you doing?” He said, “I’m proud to be American!” And that right there… There is no greater exchange to exemplify how terribly mental illness impacts the homeless community.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 4, 2020
The religious and passively observant religious welcome spring by celebrating two of the Bible’s most violent and frightening stories. Among the abandoning and killing of children, general death and destruction, and zombies ascending to heaven, I do hope you can stop to enjoy the smell of tulips in bloom.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 29, 2020
Humor is not a universal language. It is, by nature and design, intended for siloing. Even the greatest broad comedy has its haters. The closest thing to universally accepted comedy is Jay Leno and, c’mon, fuck Jay Leno.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 22, 2020
My son, like so many other two-year-olds, loves ambulances and firetrucks. To occupy him, I’ll sometimes let him watch 9/11 news reports on YouTube.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 15, 2020
This COVID-19 pandemic is worse than 9/11 because we can’t hug each other.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 9, 2020
Slowly but surely, if the U.S. doesn’t get its hands and head around this pandemic, it will consume us. It will destroy the markets because of fear, quarantines, and no one spending. We’ll crumble before we come out of it. And our leader is so unbelievably clueless to it. The health officials have to contradict him with the facts at every turn. Everyone thought it was a joke. Nope. Idiots. All of us. And Tom Hanks is going to die. That is our ultimate punishment.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 1, 2020
POTUS matters. But nothing matters more than the Senate. No president—not Sanders, Biden, or Trump—can do all the good or ill they want if the Senate does its job right. If Trump wins, which he probably will, he’ll be rendered almost powerless if we can get the barnacles sucking at his disfigured taint out of office. Policy is law, law comes from legislators. Put the majority of your focus on the Capitol, not the White House.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 23, 2020
Purity is a fallacy.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 17, 2020
I’m in Waco for work today. And you know what they say: “When in Waco, do as the Branch Davidians do.” So I’ll be making a stop at the Silos to have a cupcake and buy a candle. The candle will then be used to burn down a compound.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Valentine's Day Edition
Valentine’s Day is a lot like getting asked to tell a joke on demand. There’s a lot of pressure to perform perfectly and usually you come up short.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 2, 2020
The Republican Party has unquestionably revealed itself to be criminals and cowards while the Democratic Party has unquestionably revealed itself to be grossly incompetent cowards.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 26, 2020
Failure is necessary. It helps us learn and grow. It keeps us humble. But there exists one unredeemable failure, which is having untied shoelaces past the age of seven.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 19, 2020
I hate how much old white people love the song “Uptown Funk.”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 12, 2020
I’d rather have lunch with a Grand Wizard of the KKK than with a teed up woke white person. The Grand Wizard lunch will be far more civilized.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 5, 2020
A poor tradesperson always blames their tools. A good tradesperson blames their union and buys new tools.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | New Year's Resolutions Edition
Think of how amazing our lives would be if we approached each day the same way we approach each New Year.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 22, 2019
• The worst thing about the 2010s decade was the Star Wars sequels.
• The second worst thing about the 2010s decade is the rise of obtuse American division.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 15, 2019
My excitement to see Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker is equal to my excitement to see any movie in the theater. Seeing movies in the theater is the only time I drink Cherry Coke, and I’m excited to drink a Cherry Coke.
People stop believing in permanence because permanence stopped believing in them.