Joe Janes 10/30/19 Joe Janes 10/30/19

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting Dresses Up as Literate Ape for Halloween

There was blood everywhere because, even though I am a vampire, I am a klutz.

Don Hall 10/28/19 Don Hall 10/28/19

I Believe… [Political Misspelling is Dumb]

…that when I see you spell women “womxn “ and folks “folx” and white “yt,” wyte,” or “vvhite” your overwhelming virtue signaling blares so loudly that I simply can’t hear you for the noise. You’re only communicating to your trybe.

Don Hall 10/21/19 Don Hall 10/21/19

I Believe... [Insurance is Only an Entry Fee]

…that insurance is no more than the membership fee for entering a doctor’s office. It is not actually insurance against catastrophe but a payment to be allowed in the room.

Don Hall 10/14/19 Don Hall 10/14/19

I Believe... [Baby Boomers With a Christian Bale Growl]

…that nothing is more true about the Baby Boomer generation than the truth about The Dark Knight: “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Remember that Batman was always the hero.

Don Hall 10/7/19 Don Hall 10/7/19

I Believe... [The Quixote Zone]

…that we have now entered the Quixote Zone when old men declaring they are knights, reality stars declaring they are presidents, and the very declaration that you are defined by your belief in your own, specific reality contrary to every indicator otherwise is normal.

Don Hall 9/30/19 Don Hall 9/30/19

I Believe... [Probst for President]

…that if I really wanted a reality TV star to be president, it would be Jeff Probst of Survivor.

Don Hall 9/23/19 Don Hall 9/23/19

I Believe... [Packers vs Joe Biden]

…that there is almost no substantive distinction between a rabid sports fan and someone on either side of the political fringe.

Don Hall 9/16/19 Don Hall 9/16/19

I Believe... [Too Much {Clap, Clap} Time On Your Hands...]

…that if the hill you die on is whether or not there is a female 007, that a Popeye’s chicken sandwich is less homophobic, or how many black people were in Game of Thrones, I’d suggest you have far too much time on your hands.

Don Hall 9/9/19 Don Hall 9/9/19

I Believe... [Certainty is a Sign of Error]

…that when it comes to economics, sociology, psychology, politics, meteorology, and craps, if you are dead certain of something you’re probably wrong.

Don Hall 9/2/19 Don Hall 9/2/19

I Believe... [We Hate the Ones We Feed]

…that your stance against billionaires is only undercut by your reliance on a gas-powered vehicle, your adherence to googling things when you want to know something, wearing shoes made by mega-corporations, and your lunch at McDonalds/Burger King/Popeyes/KFC/Taco Bell.

Don Hall 8/26/19 Don Hall 8/26/19

I Believe... [The Poster Child of the Early 21st Century]

…that the poster child of the early 21st Century is a twenty-year-old wearing ass-less chaps, misspelled tattoos, and a multi-colored bandanna taking Instagram selfies with a sign that says “Don’t Judge Me.”

Don Hall 8/19/19 Don Hall 8/19/19

I Believe... [Bill Hader Deep Fake]

…that the deep fake of Bill Hader transforming back and forth into Tom Cruise is so fucked up I now think I believe in the power of Satan.

Don Hall 8/12/19 Don Hall 8/12/19

I Believe... [Video Games do not Cause Terrorism]

…that blaming video games and movies on mass shooters is like blaming the election of Donald Trump on the Russians.

Don Hall 8/5/19 Don Hall 8/5/19

I Believe… [I Have a Dream — Set in a Casino]

…that a casino is the true example of a melting pot of diversity: rich, poor, black, brown, white, English, Spanish, Japanese, German, fat, thin, straight, gay. You wanna see the America you dream of, go to Vegas.

Don Hall 7/29/19 Don Hall 7/29/19

I Believe… [Impeachment Plans Are Pyrrhic]

…that impeachment has always been a pipe dream and the more time wasted pissing and moaning about it, the more attention paid to it, the less energy there will be to actually vote the fat fuck out of office. There is nothing noble about a Pyrrhic victory.

Don Hall 7/22/19 Don Hall 7/22/19

I Believe… [No One Is Above Law, Right?]

…that no one is above the law except brutal police, billionaire hedge fund managers, a percentage of rapists, and undocumented immigrants. Apart from that, no one else. Oh. And the president.

Don Hall 7/15/19 Don Hall 7/15/19

I Believe… [Optimism is a Choice]

...that, at some point, you must choose whether or not to see your past as the glory days or see your future as the best days to come. That choice will determine how bitter or optimistic you become as you grow older.

Don Hall 7/8/19 Don Hall 7/8/19

I Believe… [The Benefits of ManScaping]

...that manscaping in Chicago was hipster and an attempt for a middle-aged man to attract younger women but manscaping in Las Vegas is merely an attempt to keep my balls from boiling like Georgia peanuts.

Don Hall 7/1/19 Don Hall 7/1/19

I Believe… [College Isn't Mandatory]

...that while I completely agree that college should be tuition-free in the United States, asking for previous student loans to be forgiven is a bit much. College is optional, not mandatory and anyone who signed up for a loan to go knew exactly what they were getting into.

Don Hall 6/24/19 Don Hall 6/24/19

I Believe… [You Are Not Your Credit Score]

...that if you judge your own success by your credit score, I’d like to point out there is a Kool-Aid stain on your shirt.