David Himmel 6/8/19 David Himmel 6/8/19

Long Train Running: A Chicago Marathon Story | Chapter 1 — Ready, Set, Ouch

What was I thinking?

I’m running the Bank of America Chicago Marathon. Why? Because I’m forty. Because I haven’t run a marathon before. Because I need an excuse to get off my writer’s ass and move so I can live long enough to not die. Because I believe in the mission of Gilda’s Club Chicago and fundraising by running seems to be a pretty great way to get money out of your friends and family. So I am running as a member of Team Gilda.

But my god, I’m behind the ball on this.

David Himmel 6/7/19 David Himmel 6/7/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 2, 2019

Does Elmo go to school? Because I wouldn’t mind seeing that little red monster take a bullet in a school shooting.

David Himmel 6/3/19 David Himmel 6/3/19

The Family that Mood Swings Together Stays Together

At the time of this writing, my wife, Katie, is experiencing her period. My puppy, Molly, is also experiencing her period. They’ve both been pretty pissy. This morning, Harry, my one-year-old son collapsed to the floor and pounded his head on the hardwood in unbridled misery because I wouldn’t let him put the television remote control into the kitchen trashcan. All of my Apple devices are slowing down and I can’t wrap my head around navigating the storage on my hard drives and my cloud servers. It makes me want to pull my hair out and gag myself to death on it.

We’re not a happy home. We’re not an unhappy home either. We’re a moody home.

David Himmel 5/31/19 David Himmel 5/31/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 26, 2019 — Birthday Edition

The best part about having a birthday as a married man is that for twenty-four hours, you’re 100 percent guaranteed that your wife won’t look at you like you’re a stupid idiot. It’s the best gift any happily married man can receive.

David Himmel 5/24/19 David Himmel 5/24/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 19, 2019

Clocking in at 3 a.m. when the bit of work is the last thing on your day’s to-do list couples a sense of mania with the feeling of awesome productivity.

Then again, how effectively productive were you if you’re going to be wrapping your day up at 5 a.m.? Putz.

David Himmel 5/21/19 David Himmel 5/21/19

An Exercise in Exorcising

I don’t have time to be writing for free right now. That’s correct, Dear Reader (which sounds like how a Japanese person would say “Dear Leader” if they were kidnapped and brain washed by North Korea and taught only to speak English, and if I was being racist), I don’t get paid writing for Literate Ape. Or editing or publishing or hosting or podcasting or anything else related to The Ape. When it comes to this little project, I pay it in blood and guts and sweat and joy. And the hope or goal is that that soon enough, with enough skin in the game, Literate Ape will pay me. But for now, I have to make money doing work for other people. And I’m on a deadline. Several of them.

David Himmel 5/17/19 David Himmel 5/17/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 12, 2019

It’s not just men who are ruining things for women. It’s also the women who agree with the men and support them. Selfish and mean behavior is as fluid as gender itself.

David Himmel 5/12/19 David Himmel 5/12/19

A Mother’s Day Ode to MILFs

Make no mistake, mothers,
you’re doing great.
You’re better than you think.
So try not to get yourself down
Because what you’re doing isn’t easy
but you’re the best person for the job.

And, um, that ass!
Those boobies!

David Himmel 5/10/19 David Himmel 5/10/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Adventures from the Bucktown-Wicker Park Library Edition

The man sitting in front of his computer loudly spoke into his phone. “Define debauchery.” I answered. “Yelling at your phone in a library instead of typing the word into your internet browser.”

David Himmel 5/3/19 David Himmel 5/3/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 28, 2019

Those who make their birthday a month-long celebration are greedy, self-centered, and obnoxious.

David Himmel 4/26/19 David Himmel 4/26/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 21, 2019

Avoidance is also a great tool to use when constructing your happy life. Save your energy for your art and raising your children to be kind, but funny people.

David Himmel 4/24/19 David Himmel 4/24/19

Coming to Terms with Your Friend, The Sexual Assailant

I hate his behavior that night. I hate that my friend, Woman, experienced something like that, and I hate that it plagued her in so many ways for so many years. And I hate that this is about me. But it’s only because I want to be a good friend to Woman. So I have to ask what should I feel and do because I don’t know.

David Himmel 4/19/19 David Himmel 4/19/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 14, 2019

• Two things I’ll never do:
1. See the Notre Dame Cathedral pre-fire
2. Have sex with a virgin

David Himmel 4/18/19 David Himmel 4/18/19

The Earth is Flat and Not Everyone Dies

Yes, lots of people have died. But we can’t say for certain that everyone dies because everyone hasn’t died. If someone lives long enough they could live forever.

People dying is just a tool of Big Death.

David Himmel 4/12/19 David Himmel 4/12/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 7, 2019

Easter was canceled. They found the body.

David Himmel 4/9/19 David Himmel 4/9/19

Getting Paid to Type as a Writer

Not everything has to be gold. Not everything has to be a bestseller. Most things won’t be either. But it’s nice to work toward something like that. Spending your days trying to leave something that will survive you, something that will separate you from the herd, something that your wife and kid and parents and grandparents and friends can be proud of. Something you can be proud of. Something that means anything to anyone anywhere. Even for a moment. Because if you can do that, then you’ve got proof to show the gods you’ve done something of value while you were here breathing the free air. It wasn’t a life spent taking; it was one that gave back, too.

David Himmel 4/5/19 David Himmel 4/5/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 31, 2019

Here’s a new term that must be incorporated into our lexicon: “Momsplaining.”
Momsplaining
/ˈmomˌsplāniNG/
noun INFORMAL
the explanation of something by a woman, typically a mother, and typically to a man such as her husband or boyfriend, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing (ironically enough).
SYNONYM: Wifesplaining

David Himmel 4/1/19 David Himmel 4/1/19

Why I'm Becoming a Chicago Cop

I’ve passed all my tests including the background investigation, which is what I was most worried about. By this time next year, as long as I can get through the training, I will be Chicago Police Officer David Himmel. I’ll have a badge, a gun, a body cam, a bulletproof vest, keys to a police cruiser, and the ability to work with the citizens of my community to create a safer city for people like Jussie Smollett.

David Himmel 3/29/19 David Himmel 3/29/19

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 24, 2019

Jussie Smollett’s face as he spoke to the media after the Cook County State’s Attorney dropped all charges against him struck me as way, way, way more smug than that of the MAGA hat kid.

David Himmel 3/26/19 David Himmel 3/26/19

Dreaming of the Mueller Report

The following is a recounting of a dream had by Laura DuBois, age 36. It was documented at the American Dream Institute for Dreams (ADID) in Washington D.C. on Monday, March 25, 2019. Here, Ms. DuBois explains her dream to ADID researchers.

Just three days after the release of the Mueller Report, with impeachment proceedings occurring at an insanely rapid pace, Trump had a massive heart attack on Air Force One while flying to Mar-a-Lago. The next day, while in the ICU at some janky Florida hospital where abandoned pet boa constrictors were the orderlies, he had another massive heart attack and died. That means no more Tweets from Donald Trump!