Dreaming of the Mueller Report
By David Himmel
The following is a dream had by Laura DuBois, age 36. It was documented at the American Dream Institute for Dreams (ADID) in Washington D.C. on Monday, March 25, 2019. Here, Ms. DuBois recounts her dream to ADID researchers.
It was so real…
Finally, my Trump anxiety wasn’t consuming every fiber of my being. It had been so long since I enjoyed being glued to the TV where Chris Matthews and Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow told me exactly the news I wanted to hear. Good news used to travel fast. But since Donald Trump — that orange monster of lunacy and sexual assault and racism — became president, good news didn’t travel at all. Good news barely existed.
There were nuggets. Manafort, Cohen, Flynn, Stone… I admit that I peed my pants a little when it was confirmed that Jared and Ivanka used private email accounts to conduct official government business. I ran right out and got “LOCK THEM UP!” tattooed on my ankle. The other ankle. Not the one with my sorority letters inked in pink.
But the thing that kept me from moving to Canada was the Mueller Report.
I knew, I just knew that the Special Counsel’s report would be the silver bullet to finally kill Trump’s presidency. It would prove that Trump and his campaign and his administration committed treason by working with the Russian government to influence the 2016 presidential election. And once that was out in the open, there was nothing even his most strident supporters could say in his defense. There would be nothing he could say. Nothing Kellyanne could say. Nothing Sarah Sanders could say. Nothing. Even though he admitted to obstructing justice back when he fired James Comey in May 2017 because of the Russia investigation the FBI was working on and nothing happened to him, the Mueller Report would bury him.
I waited two years for this moment. Two years of sleepless nights and falling behind at work and twice forgetting my kid in the car during Target runs. Two years of losing weight despite developing an insatiable appetite for sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddles. Two years of HuffPost being the only notification I allowed on my phone. Two years of not speaking to my grandfather who I learned was a sexist because he said that Hillary wasn’t a good candidate. Two years of documenting every manspreading asshole I saw on my Instagram account, @No1Wants2CurDik. Two years of regretting marrying my husband, a white man. Two years of being disgusted with my parents because they paid for 45 percent of my college tuition.
Two years of misery.
And then, finally.
The Report was everything I wanted it to be and more. In his letter to Congress, Attorney General William Barr stated that Special Counsel Mueller concluded that the Trump campaign did collude with Russia. Barr stated that he would be moving forward with filing criminal charges against Donald Trump Jr. and Roger Stone for their roles in the collusion. And he strongly suggested to Congress that they move ahead with impeachment proceedings of Donald J. Trump because of the Report’s finding that Trump obviously obstructed justice when he fired Comey.
Congress, God bless them, didn’t wince at the findings. Even the republicans! Lindsey Graham announced his resignation the very same day as Barr’s letter saying, “I was wrong to align myself with a criminal and a traitor. I am sorry for not acting in the best interest of the good people of South Carolina. Donald Trump is a fiend, and I am resigning my position as senator of the great state of South Carolina so that I may commit myself to inpatient mental health treatment. I am sorry. And I hope that now that the truth has been made available to the American people our country can begin to heal. God bless the United States of America, and God bless Robert Mueller.”
Mitch McConnell just walked out onto the steps of the Capitol and shot himself in the head leaving a nine hundred-page proposal for common sense gun reform on his desk.
Ted Cruz, in an email to his fellow republican Congressional leaders, suggested that they take a better look at Alexandria Ocasio-Coretz’s New Green Deal, and make sure to send Nancy Pelosi Mother’s Day cards.
And Tomi Lahren and Ann Coulter have admitted to being in a complicated but euphoric sexual relationship, revealing, too, that Coulter has been transitioning to a man for the past two-and-a-half decades. Furthermore, she has demanded that her publishers cease printing her books and that they are pulled from all major retail outlet bookshelves.
But here’s the icing on the delicious cake: What happened to Donald Trump. Oh. Em. Gee.
Just three days after the release of the Mueller Report, with impeachment proceedings occurring at an insanely rapid pace, Trump had a massive heart attack on Air Force One while flying to Mar-a-Lago. The next day, while in the ICU at some janky Florida hospital where abandoned pet boa constrictors were the orderlies, he had another massive heart attack and died. That means no more Tweets from Donald Trump!
It also means that Mike Pence is president now. He’s trying to get a state of emergency pushed through so that all virgin women have their clitorises removed, but that, of course, won’t happen. Because of the damage Trump did to his administration and the Republican Party, Pence has as much influence over American democracy as he would the ocean in a canoe without a paddle.
Finally! Once again, it’s great to be an American!
The best part is, with the release of the Mueller Report, we don’t have to worry about doing the hard work of voting for sensible leaders and beating Donald Trump in 2020! We can just kick back and relax. We won!
It was such a wonderful dream. Almost better than that one Martin Luther King, Jr. had.