Hope Idiotic | Part 24
When most people travel to Las Vegas, they spend a week drinking and gambling and trading venereal diseases with strangers. Maybe they take in a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. Lou’s week in Vegas was spent interviewing for a job and repairing his house, which had been haphazardly battered and bruised by his best friend and tenant, a recovering alcoholic.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Presidential Pardons
I have a lot of respect for soldiers who don’t say bad things about me.
Tips from the Universal Household Assistant | Lumber—facts about.—
It’s not that I haven’t entertained the notion of moving before. And it’s not that I think moving is some special thing you should only do if you’re twenty-something or retired or relocating for a job. But why am I so obsessed with the idea of moving that I spend hours in the middle of the night scrolling through Trulia, yet so paralyzed by the idea I can’t talk to a realtor?
Eat the Best Parts, Discard the Rest
I am not a Native American person.
I mean, I can’t say that I know any and I have to assume that modern Native Americans are no longer much like those from Dances with Wolves but my perception of those hunters and gatherers of the pre-colonized North America is that they were truly ecological in their approach. Kill the deer and eat or use all the parts as a sign of respect and a noncommerce-based frugality. Utilize the entire buffalo to be seen as a virtuous steward of nature because it’s okay to kill the animal as long as you use the shit out of the last sinew and bone.
I respect that concept and when it comes to ideas, I used to be that guy who found a new, shiny worldview or ideology and, if I discovered things I liked about it, took the whole load down my throat and proselytized it as all zealots do.
I Believe... [No New Pants]
…that I no longer care so much about my diet or exercise so much as I just don’t want to have to buy new pants.
Hope Idiotic | Part 23
He burst through the apartment door like a savage. It was just past one in the morning, and Michelle was in bed asleep. He started to kick his shoes off, but he noticed that she hadn’t closed the closet doors. He hated it when she left the closet doors open during the night. He pulled the folding doors to close but something was on the sliding track preventing him from closing the closet. Lou thrashed and thrashed them again. When he realized what was blocking the doors—some of Michelle’s shoes that had been pulled out—he kicked at them and a heel or two slammed against the wall of the closet as the door path became clear. “Fucking shoes!” he shouted. “To hell!”
What’s an Mp3 Again?
We had finished lunch at Arby’s.
Then took me to his place, which was his parents’.
A lovely home decorated in northeastern Americana
heavy on the light houses.
His bedroom looked like the bedroom of a twenty-year-old
who lived with his parents
and attended a university a fifteen-minute drive away.
Ten minutes longer than his commute to high school.
My Best Drinking Buddies Have Joined AA
My best drinking buddies have joined AA,
given up the bottle, sobered up, gotten on the wagon
without falling off.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 10, 2019
My wife and I would make terrible diplomats. We would very quickly negotiate with terrorists. Just watch how fast we cut deals with our toddler son.
Windy City Empire Coronation 16
Hope Idiotic | Part 22
This was Lou’s cue. All he had to say was, ‘We’d love to’ and the waitress would say she’d be right back. She’d tell the owner/celebrity chef to get ready with the champagne. The manager would put his finger on the appropriate light switches. Lou would tell Michelle how much he loved her and how he wanted to start their life together right away. He’d get on his knee. The lights would change. All of the other patrons would become silent the moment they realized what was happening. He’d reach into the side pocket of his blazer and pull out the ring box. Michelle would start crying.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Maclunkey Wars!
George – Instead of freezing Han in carbonite, I want to put him in a refrigerator.
What I Learned from The Crucible
I was recently terrified by the question, “Are the Woke are the new Puritans?” How do I answer that? I mean, as a white, middle-aged woman—
…No wait, I’m not sure I should say that. I don't mean to use age as a value judgment or attempt to apologetically contextualize myself or her. Let me rephrase.
Hope Idiotic | Part 21
At that moment, Lou had $8,500 to his name. Give or take the few bucks from his unemployment checks that would be left after trying to pay his credit card bills. Looking at the statement, it felt good having all of that money staring back at him. He didn’t want to ever spend it. But it was already as good as gone.
I Believe… [Fostering Change Isn’t a Demand]
…that you can inspire someone to change. You can educate someone toward change. You can support someone as they change. You cannot make someone change, and all your efforts to do so, being met with failure, are the cause of your great outrage.
Obama Scolds the Woke
it looks like our beloved past-president has come out of retirement / hiding / wealth-making / whatever he’s doing with his fancy foundation, at a time when the nation is abandoning allies, abandoning core principles, abandoning the Constitution . . . to criticize THE WOKE for being judgmental.
What the hell do you say to that? OK, Boomer?
I Like To Watch | Yesterday (2019)
At the end, however, it is all about the songs. And, oh, what extraordinary songs they are.
searching for something better, searching for somewhere to belong
They run away to escape a life in which it was beaten into them that they were nothing, less than nothing, and then they are taken in by the streets, where the last of their humanity is ripped from them.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 3, 2019
Those Purdue students protesting that CVS in West Lafayette, Indiana really need something better to do with their weeknights. One cashier’s idiocy for not knowing Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory is not a cause worth fighting for. Hit the books. Or get drunk at Harry’s Chocolate Shop. Or better yet, drown yourself in the Wabash River.
Dark Flowers: An Excerpt
When Dahlia is informed she must learn to use her newly discovered powers, she isn’t sure if she should be elated or terrified. Having just murdered a few high school bullies, attending Sterling Manor could mean the start of a new life or the end of one.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.