The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Presidential Pardons
Perp strut.
The Very, Very, Very White House
The Oval Office
Attendance: President Trump, Mick Mulvaney,
Kellyanne Conway
Mick – Sir, per your request, we have selected a few candidates for pardons this year.
Trump – Good. I’m glad to hear that. I was saying last year, we need to check them out. We don’t know who they are. Where they came from. We don’t want to pardon a criminal.
Mick – Well, you pardoned two service members last week who were, by definition, war criminals.
Trump – That’s different. They’re soldiers. I have a lot of respect for soldiers who don’t say bad things about me.
Kellyanne – We picked four candidates for pardon. The first is named Tom. He grew up on a farm factory in Indiana. Kept to himself. As much as he could in such crowded incarcerated conditions.
Trump – A loner. Could be a nut job. Last thing I need is to pardon him and have him shoot up a school. Guess who they’ll blame for that. Who’s next?
Mick – Well, there’s also Apple.
Trump – Tim Apple? I don’t like that guy. I think.
Mick – No, Sir. The bird’s name is Apple.
Trump – Tell me about this jailbird.
Mick – Well, he doesn’t get along with others. Has ruffled a lot of feathers.
Trump – Not afraid to piss people off. I like this Apple. Let’s pardon him. Anyone else?
Kellyanne – Kim Kardashian called us with a recommendation.
Trump – The blacks love me.
Kellyanne - His name is Popcorn Caramel. Wandered into their backyard. They consider him their spirit animal.
Trump – We have to pardon him. Of course. I won’t say no to Kanye. Good work today. I’m going to go watch more television. They have been talking a lot about Donald Trump lately.
Mick – There is one more turkey for you to consider pardoning, Sir.
Trump – Okay. One more.
Mick – Roger Stone.
Trump – Never heard of him.
This turkey would also like a pardon, but would also settle for ending up passed out on your dining table.