'Tis the Season
I committed my first murder on Christmas Day 1958. I was eight.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 16, 2018
Actual advice I shouldn’t have given to a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant: “Just remember to take care of yourself, too. You’re still your own person. Your baby doesn’t need you to give him everything. He’ll be fine without you. Treat yourself.”
Making an Impression at Club Med
Benny was a degenerate troublemaker, so we got along very well. When adults marry, they say they found the one. To a teenage boy, the one is the friend who teaches you how to spank the monkey.
American Shithole #39 | 2018 Year in the Rear (Preview)
Unfortunately, not everyone made it. I know one little girl separated from her parents by Border Patrol that isn’t going to find any of the 2018 Year in the Rear review humorous. Which one, you ask? Well, the dead one, of course — the dead girl.
Happy holidays!
Noble X - Episode 16: Hazards
He stands to admire the puzzle of misdirection he has laid. The blinking red light is subtle, set against the red canvas duffle. His eyes stare into the pulse and he ponders, “Is the blinking red a warning?”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Visit Florida, Man!
Florida: The World’s Largest Drive-Thru Zoo. Next!
Problematic Movies of the '80s | Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)
I find myself bemused and slightly embarrassed that in my years of most physically viable my choices were so directly motivated by my cock.
I Believe… [Channeling Gump]
…that, in the spirit of Forrest Gump, racist is what racist does rather than what racist says.
Noir Santa Claus
"The Predictatron" and Other Predictions For 2019
I believe that, if you look back at my post from 2017, where I predict the events of 2018, you will see that I’m pretty darned accurate. Cosby is back on top! This last fall was the most pleasant on record. And the other stuff. My God! The other stuff!
Getting Punched In the Genitals by a Christmas Song
Welcome to the Faceborg Nation, friends and neighbors. Try the coffee — it’s bitter and unforgiving and comes only in Black or White.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 9, 2018
If Lady Gaga can sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tony Bennett, it can’t be that bad. Unless she likes being raped or whatever.
The Green Snowflake: A Christmastime Story
We all lean in and blow on the cake candles. Hollering and hugging. Laughing and clapping at once. It’s the sort of moment you know you can’t keep, just like you can’t freeze time, so instead you just look right into everyone’s smile and wish on the future for more moments just like it.
American Shithole #38 | Digital to IRL
We’ve seen what connecting the world can do — wonderful things with Caturdays for everyone indeed — but mostly, Facebook provides charlatans and two-bit grifters with a platform to fleece more humans in less time than ever fleeced before.
The Future Is Female?
I think it’s clear to us all by now that men are simply not well-suited for gracefully managing the complex interpersonal connections necessary in the public sphere. They are too, shall we say, lusty and too ruled by instinct; these are not bad traits, not a sign that men are made wrong in any way — simply that they are different from women.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Yes, Virginia. Santa is a Nazi.
Yes, Virginia. Santa is a Nazi.
Changing Up the Routine: Acknowledging the Inevitable Tsunami
It takes 33 pounds of pressure and five minutes to strangle the life out of a grown human. It takes far less to strangle their aspirations of meaning and even less to simply boot-grind the breath out of their dreams for more than trading life for money for security.
I Believe.. [At Least He's Number One in Scandals]
…that this Mueller investigation has patiently and methodically put together nothing short of the most corrupt and systematic presidential scandal in history.
Why Don't You Shut Up?
You. Why don’t you shut up? All the constant talking. And if you’re not talking, you’re grunting or squirting out some small amount of air from some hole. And that makes a little noise. Human squeaking. It’s terrible.
I'll Tell You Something About Being a Jewish Gay Militant
Needless to say, I continued to hang out with this interestingly weird woman, a lesbian, who was always so nice to me, polite and attentive. I already had a boyfriend. But he had a lot of problems and our relationship had taken a dive at that moment.
The second voice arrived on Thursday morning while Monte was attempting to make toast.