The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Yes, Virginia. Santa is a Nazi.
by Joe Janes
Johansson Family Meeting
The living room of The Johansson Family
Wednesday, December 12th. 7:30am
In Attendance: Roger Johansson, Emily Johansson, Virginia Johansson,
Minutes recorded by Alejandro
Roger – Kids, before you head off to school, I thought we should talk about Christmas this year.
Emily – There won’t be one.
Virginia – No Christmas! But, Dad! I love Christmas. We already decorated.
Craig – Christmas is when I get the greatest return trying to be good all year.
Roger – Listen to what we have to say. We think you’ll understand and even agree with us.
Emily – Santa is a Nazi.
Virginia – A what?
Craig – You mean like Hitler?
Roger – We mean exactly like Hitler.
Virginia – Santa’s a bad guy?
Emily – Very bad, Virginia. Craig, who did Hitler and the Nazis hate?
Craig – They hated the Jews.
Roger – What did they make the Jews do?
Craig – They made them work in concentration camps.
Emily – Sounds like the Jews may as well be elves.
Virginia – But, Santa doesn’t hate anyone. He takes care of the elves.
Craig – Just like Hitler “took care” of the Jews.
Roger – Virginia, last Christmas when Santa left you a Lego Death Star under the tree… I found this note inside one of the x-wings.
(Roger hands Virginia a note on crinkled parchment.)
Virginia – “Send help. Santa works us to death. When we stop being useful or make him angry, he takes us behind the workshop, shoots us, and feeds our corpses to the reindeer. I have heard our flesh tastes like candy canes.” This is horrible.
Craig – I want to eat an elf!
Emily – No, Craig. We’re Johanssons. We don’t eat elves.
Roger – This is why we are not celebrating Christmas this year. We will not enable such a monster.
Emily – It’s also not the only reason.
Roger – Santa wants to control everything, just like Hitler did.
Emily – That’s why he keeps a list of who is naughty and who is nice.
Virginia – What happens if you’re naughty.
Emily – I hope we never know.
(Up above there arose such a clatter, like the sound of eight tiny reindeer landing on the roof. Down through the fireplace came Santa Claus.)
Roger – Look out!
Emily – Oh, my God! He emerged from the flames without getting burned!
Craig – He’s not Hitler, he’s the devil!
Santa – Calm down, everyone. Just calm down. I’m here to set the record straight.
Emily – How did you know we were talking about you?
Santa – I made a list of who was naughty and nice, and I was checking it twice. You were all in the Nice column and then, suddenly, your names popped over into the Naughty column.
Craig – That wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t spying on us.
Santa – Well, I wasn’t spying on you. Not technically. Where is he? Ah! There he is! Hello, Alejandro!
(Santa walks over to the Elf on a Shelf on the bookcase.)
Roger – Our Elf on a Shelf is a spy!
(Alejandro shrugs his shoulders and waves.)
Santa – Alejandro knows his place in the world. He is what we call a house elf.
Craig – Why do you hate America, Santa? Why are you a Nazi?
Santa - Look. Just because I’m a Nazi, doesn’t mean I don’t love America. I care very deeply about America and its many delightful children. I long for a time when the economy was strong, neighborhoods were safe, Sally wanted a dolly and Timmy wanted a train and there was no confusion about it. Life was good. Controlling the elves has always helped keep the world in check. I’m at a loss what to do with America to make it great again. The Naughty list keeps getting longer. It hurts me that you don’t want to celebrate Christmas this year. Christmas is the most American of all the holidays.
Roger – We voted for Hillary.
Santa – She should be in jail.
Craig - What about the elves, Santa?
Santa - I take care of the elves. You want them to come here and take all your jobs? Do you want a hot chocolate and candy cane truck on every corner?
Emily - I would like that.
Santa – Very well. Live in your commie socialist la-la world. I will skip over your house this year. Next year, you’ll be begging me to come back.
Virginia – Can I tug on your beard, Santa?
Santa – No, Virginia. You cannot. I personally have no problem with it, but I got too much flak over letting Jimmy Fallon do that. Those bleeding heart libturds ruin everything.