Predictions For 2018
As many of you refuse to admit, I have a gift. It is the gift of being pretty darn close on being at least a little metaphorically accurate about my predictions of the future. Of course, this all depends on how well I slept, when I took my pill and if I've had enough water. Also, sometimes the universe doesn't want to listen. I can't make the universe listen. Anyway, I'm the best one at this. I have a pretty good idea about what is going to happen in 2018. Here are the biggest revelations for the year to come!
• Bill Cosby will restart his career. He will start by doing American Legion Halls in the south where conservative morality is accepted with a wink and a nod toward sexual misconduct. Mr. Cosby will speak on his life's most recent stumbling blocks. He will discuss, at length, how he really can't see anymore so we should all feel sorry for him. In the most surprising twist, he will do a detailed bit, in the vein as OJ's If I Did It about what he would have done, if he were really guilty. He will become a cult hero of the morally deficient.
• Sasquatch will be discovered on The Voice. He will walk slowly across the stage, swinging his long arms and doing his signature slow turn and look. He will return to the stage later to howl his version of "Who's Johnny" from the movie Short Circuit. Blake Shelton will adopt him.
• Donald Trump will come up against his greatest foe, colorectal cancer. The universe will hear his followers' constant social media refrain of "Butthurt" and will manifest the ultimate "Butthurt" onto the founder of the "Butthurt" movement. Trump will undergo a surgery that will leave him with a visible colostomy bag bump in his suit pants. He will deny that it is a colostomy bag and claim, instead, that it is a super computer that makes him "Way more super more smarter, big time, than anyone's ever heard of." Of course, like now, what he claims as intelligence, is obviously shit.
• Star Wars: Episode IX will be scrapped in lieu of a web series where all the good guys are looking for a good deal on spaceship insurance. Geico will destroy the First Order and insurance will become the new Force.
• The states of Alabama, Mississippi and Florida will attempt to secede from The United States into a nation called Godisawhitemanistan. The remaining 47 states will try to act sad about it. Not much will change in the United States of America. In fact, with Puerto Rico, Israel and Ukraine becoming the newest states in the Union, Trump will proudly announce that, by preserving the United States as a 50 state deal, he is the new Abraham Lincoln.
• Saturday Night Live will start it's own network on streaming services. The television show will suffer but everyone you know will be in the cast. Even that dude who pulled a gun out during every improv scene. He's gonna be a featured player. Saturday Night Live will spearhead the SNL Network (and will supply 36 hours of new content each week) but it will be supported by reruns, Literate Ape Specials, MST3K-style riffs of people just trying to live real life, and the occasional airing of "It's Pat!"
• Eating healthy will be declared illegal so that Big Pharma, Big Insurance and Big Fast Food can be more competitive in the world economy. Anyone seen eating an uncandied carrot will be force fed chicken nuggets until they need some kind of surgery or medicine to prevent them from dying.
• The harshest fall will softly settle over much of the country. It will be unseasonably pleasant. The temperatures will be so average that local governments won't be able to handle the demand of pumpkin spice. "Everything is Fine" cards will outsell Christmas Cards in 2018.
• On November 13, 2018, the planet will explode spontaneously. Strangely, everyone will be fine. We'll all simply be just very far apart.
• People will completely forget to celebrate Christmas in 2018.
That pretty much covers the big stuff! I look forward to possibly surviving the New Year with all of you!
Till then, keep literating you apetitude!