Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 24, 2019
Personalities can be awful when there’s more than one in a room.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 17, 2019
• Forgiveness is not valued enough. And too often, it’s not even attempted. And that’s why we’re doomed.
• I feel a crushing amount of guilt and regret for thinking that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is an attractive person. I feel the same way about Ivanka Trump.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 10, 2019
Valentine’s Day isn’t a dumb holiday. It’s a day of self-help. Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity to manage your anxiety, pride, and feelings of loneliness. And according to Brian Sweeney, it’s the best day to eat ass and gargle nut.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 3, 2019
Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is an opportunity. Knowledge is cunning.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 27, 2019
It’s too soon to write Howard Schultz off as yet another oligarch or self-serving rich pud like Ross Perot with a self-righteous taste for the presidency. Just as I think it’s too soon to think that AOC is the Second Coming of Christ. Give them time. Maybe things’ll play out different than we assume. Maybe.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 20, 2019
Having privilege is not inherently a bad thing. It does not define who you are. What you do with that privilege does. Do you use it to help people or hurt people? Bobby Kennedy is not Donald Trump and Donald Trump is no Bobby Kennedy. (Baby brother Teddy was no Bobby either when he used his privilege to let a dead girl get waterlogged in his sunken car.)
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 13, 2019
Knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is an opportunity.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 6, 2019
You don’t need balloons or cupcakes to be excited about learning your baby’s sex. And yes, it’s a sex. It’s never gender. Gender is a social construct, and for even the most pro-life pro-lifers out there, an unborn child/fetus/uterine turd cannot, by the laws of science, be socialized. Talk to it, play music for it, fine. You can’t make it like pink or blue in the womb. If you need to be surprised about your baby’s sex, listen to what your OB or midwife tells you during pregnancy, or at the time of birth. Getting all geared up over the sex of a child is exactly why we have sexism. So, please, for the sake of our future, knock it the fuck off.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | First Week of 2019
David, if you’re going to do the Daily Mini New York Times Crossword Puzzle, it’ll help if you know the difference between “fury” and “furry.” You idiot.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 23, 2018
The big gifts from my wife this Christmas was a Simple Human trashcan for the kitchen, and the Verilux HappyLight Lucent. See, boys and girls, it’s easy to buy presents for a neat freak with a chronic case of the mulligrubs.
I’m still in the infant stage of its use but so far, this HappyLight thing seems to be doing the trick. I do feel better. Plus, I think it’s making my penis bigger.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 16, 2018
Actual advice I shouldn’t have given to a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant: “Just remember to take care of yourself, too. You’re still your own person. Your baby doesn’t need you to give him everything. He’ll be fine without you. Treat yourself.”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 9, 2018
If Lady Gaga can sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tony Bennett, it can’t be that bad. Unless she likes being raped or whatever.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 25, 2018
I use a bidet for the exact same reason I use a pencil: Sometimes I make a mistake.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of Thanksgiving Edition
It’s funny, the things I care about now since becoming a father. It’s not the environment or my finances or my health — not any more than I did before Harrison arrived. It’s diaper changing stations in public restrooms. I see one of those in a men’s room and I am overwhelmed with joy. #FathersRights
Oh, shit. I think I used that Fathers’ Rights hashtag incorrectly.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 11, 2018
This Thanksgiving, let’s remember that this year’s holiday falls on the 65th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. So let’s be thankful that most of us won’t experience having our spouse’s skull and brains splattered all over our designer outfit while riding in a convertible. I bet Jackie even got some brain matter in her mouth. Gross. Pumpkin pie is so much better, I’m sure.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 4, 2018
I can’t think of more than three or four time when my parents embarrassed me. Of those, none were major infractions. The embarrassment was fleeting at best. I’m sure I’ll embarrass my son at some point. My goal is to not do anything that he’ll be ashamed of. You know, the way Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ kids will likely be ashamed of their mother. At least, I hope they will be. If they’re not then she’ll have done a great job of raising sociopaths.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 28, 2018
Lyft/cab drivers who fart with passengers in the car can be perceived as rude. Lyft/cab drivers who crank the heat and crack a window when they fart is nothing short of awesome.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Halloween Edition
If I were to go trick-or-treating, I’d rather receive a red delicious apple with razor blades and anthrax in it than Bit-O-Honey.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 14, 2018
Go ahead and call her horseface, buddy. You fucked her.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 7, 2018
The only thing stranger than Kanye West’s meeting with President Trump in the Oval Office is that one time Sammy Davis Jr. blew President Nixon in the Lincoln Bedroom.
People stop believing in permanence because permanence stopped believing in them.