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The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

Andy disassembled his weapon with lighting speed. He packed it away in the black backpack made specifically for a weapon of this sort. He bolted to the roof access door as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. He made his way through the condo/office building stairwell without being noticed just as he had done on his way up. Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

ARCHIVE OF ARTICLES

Don Hall 3/1/21 Don Hall 3/1/21

I Believe… [A Potato Has No Gender, Idiots]

I believe… that if the renaming of “Mr. Potatohead” to “Potatohead” is the hill you’re going to die on, you may need to get some sort of professional evaluation.

Don Hall 2/22/21 Don Hall 2/22/21

I Believe... [Rush Who?]

I believe... that hearing that Rush Limbaugh has passed on affects me much in the same way as when I hear about someone I heard yelling about something once in a high school auditorium and then promptly blocked the memory from existence.

Don Hall 2/15/21 Don Hall 2/15/21

I Believe... [ Grogu is the Unifier]

...that the fact that we all find Grogu fucking adorable indicates that we all are far more similar than we are different.

Don Hall 2/8/21 Don Hall 2/8/21

I Believe... [Freedom is Harder Than Previously Advertised]

I believe... that the revival of cultural conformity and political zealotry shows that freedom is not as easy as we assumed.

Don Hall 2/1/21 Don Hall 2/1/21

I Believe... [Do I Get Paid to Be Old Now?]

…that turning fifty-five years old this week has officially made me an old curmudgeon in the professional sense. I hope I get my badge and sash soon.

Don Hall 1/25/21 Don Hall 1/25/21

I Believe... [Some of the Kids Are Alright]

...that for every instance of an Amanda Gorman or Greta Thunberg, there are 50,000 GenZ kids snorting crushed Sour Patch candy and arguing adamantly about a video they saw on TikTok so contain your need to claim that the kids are adults.

Don Hall 1/18/21 Don Hall 1/18/21

I Believe... [in Public Dildo Stories]

...that the problem with telling a dildo story in a off-shoot casino bar and grill is that there might be a kid somewhere in the room who will overhear it. On the other hand, any kid today who hasn’t heard about dildos is far too sheltered with the ideological plastic helmet to survive past ten years old.

Don Hall 1/11/21 Don Hall 1/11/21

I Believe... [Switching Out Identifiers Exposes the Game]

I believe... that if changing “white” to “black” or “men” to “women” in your polemic makes you suddenly sound like a Southern politician from 1950, you’re a bigot and a sexist.

Don Hall 1/4/21 Don Hall 1/4/21

I Believe... [Ted Wheeler is a Bit Late]

I believe... that after ten months of the Antifa crowd burning Portland to the ground at the drop of any ideological excuse, Mayor Ted Wheeler’s admonition for the continued vandalism under the guise of persistent protest seems a bit late to the game.

Don Hall 12/28/20 Don Hall 12/28/20

I Believe… [Bitcoin Slots]

I believe... that cryptocurrency, the stock market, and throwing money into a slot machine are all identical processes for gaining wealth without working.

Don Hall 12/21/20 Don Hall 12/21/20

I Believe... [Bisexual Marvel]

...that making Starlord from “Guardians of the Galaxy” bisexual presents a conundrum for Chris Pratt: continue to “act” the role or do some method preparation and fellate at least three dudes for some sort of ideological purity?

Don Hall 12/14/20 Don Hall 12/14/20

I Believe… [Why Parler Failed]

...that it turns out people who troll on social media are not addicted to sharing ideas but to calling each other names. Hence, the rapid rise and rapid fall of Parler.

Don Hall 12/7/20 Don Hall 12/7/20

I Believe... [Who’s Fragile Again?]

I believe... that it’s interesting how people who are enraged, offended, and describe everything they dislike as ‘violence & harm’ believe that it is everyone else who is showing ‘fragility.’

Don Hall 11/30/20 Don Hall 11/30/20

I Believe… [Racial Cannibals]

I believe... that when white people say things like “White people are the worst” it reminds me of cartoon cows advertising the deliciousness of beef.

Don Hall 11/23/20 Don Hall 11/23/20

I Believe… [Free College is Righteous]

I believe... that cancelling existing college debt and making college free for those in lower economic circumstance are excellent ideas. Adding public service as a condition is even better.

Don Hall 11/16/20 Don Hall 11/16/20

I Believe… [Harris is a Woman Vice President]

I believe... that anyone referring to the Vice President as a “menstruator” is an idiot (unless they’re talking about Pence).

Don Hall 11/9/20 Don Hall 11/9/20

I Believe… [It Wasn’t Great Before Trump]

...that after a week of election drama and four years of Trump, we can finally get back to arguing about climate change, being afraid of mass shootings, and the difficulties of online dating.

Don Hall 11/5/20 Don Hall 11/5/20

I Believe… [Post Election Special]

I believe… that more people voted in this election than any since 1900. The most obvious and indisputable will of the population has been tallied. We are almost evenly split.

Don Hall 11/2/20 Don Hall 11/2/20

I Believe… [In Biden]

I believe... that Joe Biden will be the next President of the United States.

Don Hall 10/26/20 Don Hall 10/26/20

I Believe… [Clean Your Room!]

I believe… that being excited that Americans are voting in record numbers is like that feeling when your fat, lazy, angry teenager finally cleans his stinky room.