Humpty Dumpty Fell Off the Wall and Now Lives As a Paraplegic
An insidious side effect of social media is that, while in the world of flesh and bone I can craftily avoid those weaselly fuckers whom I find noxious and hateful, with the many fence-sitters on that Friends list, I am constantly surprised by things that remind me of them. The ease of not choosing online, of remaining detached and out of the line of fire, creates webs of connectivity with people whom we no longer want to be connected.
American Shithole #15 — Comedians Unite! Except You, Dennis
Michelle did her fucking job. She kicked all the chairs out from underneath you, you sleepy-eyed, coddled, shitgibbon enablers — and apparently you couldn’t tell ruthless political commentary from a fugly joke, if your journalistic integrity depended on it.
Puppy vs. Baby and the Myth of Unconditional Love
Someone somewhere probably said something like, “If you want to know unconditional love, get a puppy and have a baby.” That someone was an idiot.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – EPA Emergency Meeting
"Dear Lord, thank you for bestowing upon us the responsibility of being stewards of this blessed planet. We take your many gifts, like coal and oil and natural gas and money, seriously. It would be downright rude to you, Lord, to not cultivate these gifts. We believe you have a plan and trust in you, Lord, to guide us. One nation UNDER GOD! America first! Amen"
Anger and Empathy
I remember when I was very little, maybe three or four, my mother said to me, “What am I going to do with you?” I told her she could put me down the garbage chute. I imagined that was where the Sesame Street monsters lived. I thought I could live with them and that’s where I would belong. I also wanted to solve the problem for her.
Comedy Is Supposed to Be Mean Unless It’s for Morons
The simple fact is that if someone laughs, it’s funny. Like that nutty dress that some people saw as gold and some saw as blue, comedy is really in the eye of the beholder and, if you can’t take being made fun of, best to quietly hide from the rest of society, content to be left out of the discourse and live out your life pain-free.
I Believe… [Avengers: Infinity War Was RAD!]
…that Trump doesn't lie more than other presidents. Trump just doesn't give a shit if he is caught in a lie.
The Inappropriate Hackery of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is more pathetic a work event than any kind of team-building game night or scavenger hunt even the most creative HR Director can think of. If they don’t want the roast, they shouldn’t hire a comedian to headline. Hire Jared Kushner instead. He won’t say anything mean. He won’t say anything at all. Unless there are Russians in the room. But that won’t offend anyone.
Loose Chicks Featured Chick: Sharon Ammen
Listen to some of her stories at the next Loose Chicks - 7:15pm, May 11 at Uncharted Books, 2620 N Milwaukee, Chicago, IL
Debate, Engage, or Namecalling: Only One Results in Results
As time passes, the Obama Administration both looks pretty idyllic (when showcased next to the past year and change of the Reality Star Dickwaffle, the administration of Warren G. Harding looks pretty special and productive) and a overly compromised journey through Healthcare Reform (kind of) and Drone Strikes.
Nothing You Can Do About It
I met her eight years ago at Holy Cross Hospital where I worked in West Englewood. A poor people’s hospital on Chicago’s south side.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 22, 2018
• Never pity a fat man. Empathize with an obese one.
When Deprivation Becomes Deadly
At the time, I just saw him as a big, stupid fuckhole. Turns out, he was an early adopter of what is now being called an “incel.”
American Shithole #14 — Defending the Deplorables and Facing Fears
So, in your desperation, you voted for a showbiz circus orangutan whose only qualifications were that he screamed the loudest and threw shit bombs absolutely everywhere — oh, and he told you that you were special.
Spock and Valerie Solanas Meet for a Coffee Date at the Big Starbucks in the Sky
Valerie, to Spock: One concern I have is your allegiance to logic and rationality, which, while admirable in itself, has traditionally and nominally been used to silence and stupefy females. Males accuse females of being irrational and emotional in order to delegitimize the experience of females and deny the relevance of their emotions, when in fact, emotions—especially anger, hatred, and love — are perfectly logical.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America
I even updated my Special Skills section. I added “weep openly on cue, spontaneous melancholy moments of reflection, can take a bullet, good at social media, improv and juggling”.
Grandiose Romanticism or Politics: Zombies Drinking Lattes
The fact that in all zombie stories, we are the zombies seems to get lost in the tales of the survivors. We are the masses of unthinking, brain-eating undead creatures shambling about looking for the living. Next season, I hope they give the hordes of flesh connoisseurs access to a zombie Faceborg and the allegory will be updated.
Quixotic Femme
I couldn’t turn my back
and I couldn’t fix it
Story of my life
lame excuse
Quixotic tale
striving for virtue
in a sewer
Do the best you can
Clean up the mess
Show up the next day
Clean up again
I Believe... [Modern Partisanship Resembles a Preschool Bathroom Break]
...that nothing makes me happier than Hannity being exposed and Ryan leaving the House. If McConnell is discovered to have a cache of weasel pornography on his hard drive and photos of himself with him jacking off while eating dogshit, I'd be the Happiest Asshole on Planet OMG.
Hotboxing My Dad: A Weed Trip and the Future Failure of Illinois
I imagine it’s hard to find work when you look like you sleep on a bong-water bed. Maybe not. Maybe this guy could straighten up and look more straightedge and acceptable for any other job. But why bother? In Denver, he could put his vast and exceptional knowledge of cannabis to great use. And he could do it without all the judgement and assholery that comes from a culture which things looking like a pothead is a bad thing. This guy, this stoner behind the counter, was more helpful than any putz at any store you could visit in the Clybourn Corridor.
The stomach tightens and sinks.
The heart and lungs follow.
It’s a confounding reaction to a receipt of affection.
It’s familiar, and, therefore, oddly comforting.