Spock and Valerie Solanas Meet for a Coffee Date at the Big Starbucks in the Sky

Spock and Valerie Solanas Meet for a Coffee Date at the Big Starbucks in the Sky

By Elizabeth Harper

The Players:

Valerie Solanas: (played by Lila, friend of Polly)
Spock: (played by Ugly Doll OX as Spock)
Barista: (played by Polly Pocket)

The Setting: Planet Starbucks

Valerie and Spock are having their conversation within earshot of the Barista.

Valerie, as she sips her black coffee, starts the inevitably awkward conversation: I seldom go on dates. The only reason to have anything to do with males of any species is to obtain money and other resources. Having colonized my own Planet SCUM, which is run according to the principles outlined in my seminal work SCUM Manifesto, I have neither the need nor desire for male company. But I’ve deigned to meet with you because I’m looking into expanding the interplanetary male auxiliary of SCUM, and it occurs to me that you might not be totally offensive and could be potentially useful, but the proof, instead of being in the pudding or the pussy, is in the potential for groovy conversation. Maybe you’re cool. Then again, maybe you totally suck and you and your gender, and species, should be destroyed, eliminated in fact, if it happens to be the case you aren’t even good enough for slave duty.


Spock, also sipping black coffee, replies: Thank you for meeting me and for your interest. I find your ideas about a totally automated society without work and money very intriguing. And your scientific discoveries and breakthroughs are extremely impressive. But I must have you know that I have no interest in being a member of a slave class or in recruiting other males to be slaves. You and I are kindred spirits in our admiration for logic and rationality, so you must understand that since you yourself do not want to be a slave, it would be highly illogical for any member of a logical species to want to be a slave.

Valerie: Perhaps slave isn’t the right word. I need helpers who know their place, males who realize they aren’t as groovy as females but still want to support the cause and defend our female-dominant society. Also, with your ability to mind-meld you could help us determine who our true enemies and allies are. And you could mind-meld with us groovy females so you’ll know how truly groovy, logical, and enlightened we are.

Barista, to Valerie: Gender is a social construct. In fact, I think gender as social construct is one of the key insights of SCUM Manifesto, even though on the surface you seem to be putting forth a biologically essentialist argument. Have an espresso on me, and stick around for the Asperger’s/ INTP personality support group that’s going to meet in its own little corner in a few minutes.  

Valerie, to Spock: One concern I have is your allegiance to logic and rationality, which, while admirable in itself, has traditionally and nominally been used to silence and stupefy females. Males accuse females of being irrational and emotional in order to delegitimize the experience of females and deny the relevance of their emotions, when in fact, emotions—especially anger, hatred, and love — are perfectly logical.


Barista: Valerie, you’re so hung up on interfacing with this Spock dude, you’re totally ignoring that I’m totally up for some serious pussy licking, or more importantly, intellectual conversation, if that’s what floats your spaceship at the moment. I’m so worth talking to and hip to your ideas. I did my Master’s thesis in Gender Studies on you. This job where I have to do emotional as well as physical labor is a way for me to get health insurance so I can pursue my performance art — which incorporates poetry, drumming, and menstrual blood — in my spare time.

Valerie, to Barista: Thanks for the offer, sweet cheeks, but you seem like another mindless, brain-washed female to me. I don’t think you understand the historical struggles of true SCUM. If you were really hip to the SCUM agenda, you’d be giving espresso away for free, eventually getting fired from this oh-so-benevolent corporate gig; you’d have dropped out of school before you graduated; and you’d be making a living by getting corporate types to pay you for your menstrual blood for their craft cocktails.

I may take the opportunity to recruit from the support group. I bet some of those Aspergirls are capable of some real interesting conversation. And while we’re talking about social constructs, what do you think all these various conditions, diagnoses, addictions — and other ways of gaming the system while having an excuse for a support group — are?

I think Spock might jibe with SCUM better than you because he understands the alienation and outsider status of being between two worlds, outside of both, and seeing the whole big picture with clarity and insight in a way that totally eludes mindless human males who don’t accept their inherent inferiority and brain-washed human females who aren’t in touch with their own grooviness and biological potential for superiority. In short, Spock and I get that most people suck and the way the dominant society operates is illogical, irrational, and just generally sucky for cool females and expatriate Vulcans.

Spock, to Valerie: I thank you for the compliment and acknowledgement of my logical nature. I am interested in talking with you, but I may not be helpful to you on your planet because of my aversion to murder when not clearly necessary and, truth be told, to rule-breaking in most instances.

Valerie, to Spock: Oh Spocky, dear. I wouldn’t expect you to murder. You could just subdue the errant males with your Famous Spock Nerve Pinch, and I could kill them. My aim has improved a lot since that Andy Warhol business. And you could get your rule-following kicks by following my rules. Of course the groovy females on Planet SCUM don’t follow rules because they don’t need them. Everything they do is groovy and they are inherently capable of empathizing and figuring out what to do without rules. Since you are male, I understand you can’t do that.

Spock, to Valerie: You must understand, Valerie, that I object to intellect without discipline and to power without constructive purpose. Also, I cannot adhere to inconsistent rule following. Following the rules only makes sense if the rules apply to all.

Valerie, to Spock: Bummer, dude. I can see you have your hang-ups, but I won’t kill you now. You could be useful later. Well, at least we tried, and all it cost you was the coffee.

Spock: See you around, Valerie. Live long and prosper.

Valerie: SCUM lives!

Barista: Really, guys, stick around for the support group. Be cool, though. Those Aspies are really sensitive.

Written and performed with dolls for Chi-Fi Fest March 2015.
Soon to be available as a chapbook at Uncharted Books in Chicago.


American Shithole #14 — Defending the Deplorables and Facing Fears

American Shithole #14 — Defending the Deplorables and Facing Fears

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America