The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America

You try saying "Guns DO kill people" without laughing. 

You try saying "Guns DO kill people" without laughing. 

By Joe Janes

CAUA – The Crisis Actors Union of America – Administrative Meeting

10:00am, Undisclosed Urban Coffee Shop

In Attendance - David, Lindsay, Tomas, Britni

David - Welcome, Everyone. Or, as I like to say… (teary eyed) Even though my friends are gone, I just appreciate now that every day is a gift. Oh! And ban guns!

(everyone laughs)

David – First off, just have to say that the Parkland cast is killing it. David Hogg and Emma Gonzalez will certainly be up for multiple Shooty Awards for acting. Their denials of being actors alone make them shoe-ins. I was up for the role of David. How perfect would that have been? David playing “David”. They went with someone else. Whatever. He’s doing great. Maybe a little over the top. A little. Just a smidge. He can ease up on the Tweets. He's got twitchy Trump fingers.  I’m getting too old to play high schoolers, anyway.

Lindsay – No way, David.

David – You’re just being kind, Lindsay.

Lindsay – I mean it. Your time will come. 

David – Fingers crossed. Now, we do have some business to handle. We need to alert our members that once they take a job as a crisis actor, they can’t take on any other acting jobs for a full ten years. None.

Tomas – Is this about Chicago Fire?

Lindsay – Of course, it’s about Chicago Fire. Tomas, you’re a grieving parent. You lost your daughter in a horrible shooting. You can’t be on Anderson Cooper one week and then show up on primetime TV the next.

Tomas – I was playing a grieving parent who lost his daughter in a fire. It’s my niche. 

David – That’s kind of the point, Tomas. Too close to what you just did. Someone might put it together. Fortunately, no one watches Chicago Fire

Tomas -I’m a working actor. Do you expect me to turn down gigs?

David – Yes! Being a crisis actor is a commitment. The Deep State will cover all your bills for twenty years. For life, if you’re the shooter. Now, if you want to rework your grieving parent character bio and have him also do community theater and slowly move into on-camera, that’s fine. Just take the time to build that.

Britni- It’s great that you’re getting all that work, Tomas, but can we talk about the people not getting work. There have been 20 school shootings this year alone where someone was hurt or killed. 20! Just in schools. That’s a lot of work and I got nothing. 

Tomas – It takes years to make it as an actor, honey. I’ve been working my tush off since I dropped out of Columbia College. 

Britni – I joined the union right after the Pulse Nightclub shooting. I don’t even care about high schools. My dream gig is another nightclub shooting. I’m a great dancer. 

Lindsay – We’re not in control of that, Britni. You audition and you get it or you don’t. That’s show biz. Is your headshot and resume current?

Britni – You know it. I even updated my Special Skills section. I added “weep openly on cue, spontaneous melancholy moments of reflection, can take a bullet, good at social media, improv and juggling”.

David – Well, I guess I should make my big announcement. I just heard from George Soros this morning. There’s a big project coming up. High profile. They’re sinking a ton of money into it.  People in principle roles could get rich. Literally.

Tomas – Another mass shooting?

David – More like the first massive shooting. Get this…at a zoo.

Lindsay – Oh, my thoughts and prayers! That’s brilliant! 

David – Right?

Britni – Wait. Why is that more brilliant than a high school full of innocent kids or a nightclub full of carefree dancers?

David - Because animals. Remember how torn up people were about Harambe at the Cincinnati Zoo? This will be people – families, zoo keepers – and animals – both majestic and silly. From lions to otters. 

Tomas – I’ve got to get in on this.

Lindsay – You can’t, Tomas. You’re already in the Parkland show.

Tomas – What if my grieving parent took the rest of his family on vacation to cheer them up?

Britni – Why in the hell would your family go from Florida to Cincinnati to cheer up?

Tomas – Because…we’ve got…cousins there! Very jovial cousins. Double the tragedy for my character and double the media attention!

David – Well, we can’t stop you from pitching it to them. You just need to be upfront when you audition. It makes us all look bad if you don’t disclose your previous crisis roles when you audition. Or –

Tomas – Or?

David – Well, not only will all the people being shot be fake, so will the animals. You could play -

(Tomas gets up to leave)

Lindsay – Where are you going, Tomas?

Tomas – Going home to brush up on my lemur.

Britni – He’ll probably get it.

Lindsay – They’ll need a lot of people, Britni. This could be your chance. Yours, too, David. And maybe even me. I’d love to do a grieving tour.

David – Let’s all audition together. And if we all get to be shot or lose someone to gun violence, great. But, if not, we’ll keep trying. We’re actors. Have another Danish. It’s on Soros. 

Tomas has been "killing it" at the crisis actor auditions with his improv guns. 

Tomas has been "killing it" at the crisis actor auditions with his improv guns. 

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