Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 7, 2018
• It’s funny to me that when it comes to reproductive rights, pro-choicers want women to be directly responsible for what happens to their bodies — no one else — when the reality is that a pregnant woman has very little choice as to what happens to her body once the fetus gets comfortable. And that’s even funnier to me if the fetus is a boy. And even funnier still if the fetus is a white boy. Pro-choice women pregnant with white males make me want to listen to Alanis Morissette’s Ironic on repeat.
Decisions Suck: One Step Toward My Dreams and Back Again
I always planned on being a singer and as it turns out I am a pretty successful jazz singer in the city. But at 18, I had decided to be an opera singer. In my search for a teacher, ballsy me, courageous me, determined me, sent a letter to Beverly Sills, one of the greatest coloratura soprano’s in the world, asking her for a voice teacher recommendation.
LIFEHACK: The Secret to Productivity is Dressing Up as a Superhero
Got a big interview for that dream gig? How about throwing on that Spider-Man outfit and nailing it? On a tight deadline to get those spreadsheets completed by the end of the day? Slip into the company washroom and emerge as Storm from the X-Men! That presentation to the company about your team P&L's? Do it dressed as the Fantastic Four and if people can forget how shitty all the movies have been, you will wow them!
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - First Date at The Cheesecake Factory
I nearly wept as I wrote on their bill “GYB - smiley face - Skylar”. I explained that GYB means “Got your back” as I set down the check.
Life IS a Simulation — Here's How to Win!
"Life IS a simulation. Let’s just roll with that. Being a psych patient myself with psychotic episodes in my past but in treatment and doing well, I have developed an odd relationship with the concept of reality. Every once in a while, I pop out of my self and my context in the world, and I see the bigger picture. It makes life exciting for me and for others. It also makes life with me annoying and troubling sometimes.
The Hit and Run Boy: True Moments from the ER
In the ER, the trauma code was called for the hit-and-run boy. He was found by police after an unknown amount of time lying on the road in a pool of congealing blood. No witnesses, and the driver who ran him down was long gone.
I Believe… [Fashion Statement Activism]
…that the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling (and people are buying) a $135 Coffee Enema Kit is far more alarming than anything going on in Congress these days. I "accidentally" shot coffee up my ass (there was a safe word) and it was not worth $135 unless it was from Starbucks.
Considering Chicago’s Dead Rats — An Existential Discovery
Recently, I watched a rat die naturally and it nearly broke my heart. It’s a strange feeling since I have taken the lives of so many rats before.
In our house, we refer to the summer of 2014 affectionately as the Summer of the Rat. Three out of seven days a week during that summer when I would take our dog, Eddie, out for his morning constitutional, I’d find at least one dead rat in one of the several rat traps we had set in our yard. While Eddie did his business, I tended to the business of disposing of the rat. I was always prepared to find one so I’d pick up the trap gingerly by its edges and drop it into the plastic trash bag I’d brought out with me. When Eddie was done, I’d use a smaller plastic bag to scoop up his poop and drop that into the rat bag, tie it up and walk it to the dumpster behind our apartment building.
The Fear of Human Failing and the Culture That Breeds It
Unfortunately, Reality tends to bitchslap Current Culture in the chops just about every time.
The Fight for Passion in a World Steeped in the Mediocre
Mediocrity is the acceptance of doing just enough to get away with it without rigorous interrogation of value. And by placing monetary value over experiential value, we reinforce the idea that success artistically is defined primarily by commerce and popularity.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 31, 2017
• I can easily find every excuse in the book to avoid writing a book.
Messed Up on a Friday
Messed up. Took my night meds in the morning because I was tired and in a hurry and didn't know what the fuck I was doing and was trying to blend a protein shake into yesterday's cold coffee, but it wouldn't dissolve so I tried the electric hand mixer and then the Cuisinart. And then it worked but it took too long and then I was worried the night meds would make me sleepy or act high during the day and I had to stand up all day and be nice to people and act like I cared when I just wanted to be in bed masturbating and sleeping.
The 5 Stages of Grief When You Realize God Is Dead
That’s the one thing atheists tend to forget: this is a process. You don’t just stop believing this stuff. It takes a long time. And it’s scary. You’re scared to look into the black hole, because all you see is darkness. You wonder how you’re even here at all. How are any of us here? Then you ask the question everyone gets to: “What keeps you from killing yourself?”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Resist Leftist Insanity!
We want to make America great again. The leftist momma boys and momma girls and momma boygirls won’t be happy unil we’re all wearing diapers and Uncle Sam wipes everybody’s bung hole with taxpayer dimes.
American Discourse is an Ethnic Telephone Game
In most cases, the traditions in America were created by white people of European descent for white people of European descent. And when this nation was built, many of these white people thought that it would stay that way.
Would Luke Skywalker Vote Republican?
Would Luke Skywalker or Superman or Rambo ever vote for a Republican?
I Believe… [With a New Year Comes the Same Bullshit]
…that no matter how much you want the New Year page turn to open up to a whole new world, Donald Trump is still the fucking president.
Natural Causes
The smell of the salamis, capicola, and prosciutto hanging low from the ceiling of Stefano’s was distracting, but that’s where they played. I was never part of the game, but the guys let me watch.
A Year in Literate Ape: 2017
While Literate Ape is not quite a year old and we only started adding contributors in September, we figure it's that 'year end roundup' time. Below are links to some of our more popular pieces in 2017.
The Yin and Yang of 2017: An End of Year List
As we near the end of the year that history will unfortunately remember as an utter shitshow of misguided pride and crippling uncertainty, and in an effort to throw some end-of-the-year-list clickbait on Literate Ape to continue to expand readership, I’m going to present a list of both the good and the bad of 2017. Looking at the positive as well as the negative is something I'm trying to do more of. It keeps me swimming and in most cases, laughing. All I ask is that you do not mistake my positivity as anything remotely influenced by a life coach.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.