Want evidence that humanity sucks? Look no further than a parking garage and the way humans park far outside lines and leave their SUVs in spots marked “Small Car Only.”

I believe... that hearing that Rush Limbaugh has passed on affects me much in the same way as when I hear about someone I heard yelling about something once in a high school auditorium and then promptly blocked the memory from existence.

St. Mark’s Community Theater makes sure Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple” is as safe as possible.

This Year of Our Lord, 2020, has revealed quite a few things about us. The recurring theme is that it’s high time our greatest institutions must die. The mighty must fall. So, as someone who interned at The Second City, went through several training programs, produced plays for its stages, here’s what I suggest happen to that theater: Turn it into a laser tag facility. Call it Zip, Zop, ZAP!

You may argue that now is not the time to open a new business, what with the pandemic and all. But laser tag is the perfect pandemic business.

On his tomb stone is inscribed, “This is Obama’s fault.”

You can trust a cop, but you’re a fool to trust the police.

We can get to know one another before deciding the desire to have sex is greater than the desire to avoid death.

A lot of people have gotten new puppies during this pandemic. Look, if you need an excuse to go outside, just start smoking. It’s cheaper and cleaner. And I’ve never had to scrub cigarette poo-poo out of a carpet.

I hope things never go back to how they were. That normal wasn’t normal. Lost to digitized history seemed to be leisure with gravity, interstitial tranquility. The accuracy of vacancy. Nilness.

I want to lose track of days and check the time only to be surprised at the lateness of the hour. Dusk looming, innocent as a satellite.

Humor is not a universal language. It is, by nature and design, intended for siloing. Even the greatest broad comedy has its haters. The closest thing to universally accepted comedy is Jay Leno and, c’mon, fuck Jay Leno.