A Pandemic Theater Prepares

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by Joe Janes

Salutations Fellow Lovers of The Theater!

I hope this newsletter finds you well and hungry as ever to return to our humble house of dramatic (and comedic) presentations. We at St. Mark’s Community Theater have been working overtime to make sure our upcoming presentation of Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple” is as safe as possible for our actors and for you, our lovely (and dreadfully missed) audience. 

Since we are a community theater, we could not ask our actors to isolate together. Some of them still have jobs and/or families. Vince Magill at the (still open!) hardware store has come up with an ingenious solution for our main actors, Len “Lenny” Bluth (Felix) and Craig “The Jew” Stein (Oscar). Vince’s cousin operates the Durney County Nautical Museum which had two deep sea diving suits in their basement. While most actors would find that constricting, Len and Craig have risen to the occasion. If you are having trouble distinguishing between the two during the show, just remember that Oscar (Craig) is the one with the mustard stain on his air supply hose.

Felix (Len-L) and Oscar (Craig-R) argue over who made a mess in the kitchen.

Unfortunately, we only had two diving suits. The Pigeon Sisters, delightfully portrayed by actual sisters, Cindy and Melissa Johnson, will be performing their roles inside a large crate used for shipping water heaters (Thanks, again, Vince!). 

Cindy and Melissa run their lines during a recent rehearsal.

Murray, Speed, Vinnie, and Roy will be performed by the director (Me!) using sock puppets and wearing an N95 mask and a face shield. 

Murray the Cop takes ten (that’s theater talk for a break).

Allow us to welcome you back to the exciting world of theater! Tickets are on sale now. Let “The Odd Couple” transport you to a simpler pre-pandemic time in America where two grown men could live together and no one would think either of them were gay even though they both complain way too much about their ex-wives and aren’t very successful with women. 

Audience size will also be limited to the number of tickets sold, which, based on our usual numbers, should be very safe. 

Yours Ever So Truly,

Mark Stapleton

Artistic Director

St. Mark’s Community Theater

Berea, Ohio

P.S. We respect your civil rights! We will not require audience members to wear masks. However, we do request that you do not laugh at the funny parts of our show and wait until you are back in your car to guffaw with abandon.