I am Santa Claus: A Parenting Journey
Christmas Eve. Just after somewhere between 7:30 and 8:57-ish at night. My wife was hurried away in the kitchen preparing tomorrow morning’s breakfast—an egg casserole that’ll put hair on your mother’s balls. Delicious. I was lulling the child to sleep with three books. One about trucks, another about construction trucks, and the third, Goodnight Moon.
One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Treasure
Do you know the history of the White Elephant?
Oh, the storied tales of White Elephant Christmases gone by! The triumph and defeat! The never-ending variations on the tradition from family to family, office to office! I am giddy just thinking about it. But first, let me back up for those who know not of the White Elephant.
Christmissed Connections
You had on a mask and a face shield. Or, after seeing you, a face chic (wink).
A Troubling Hare
I have a lot of problems. Let me restate that. A lot of problems have me. Having a problem is an illusion. It implies I have control over that problem. I don’t. The problem has control over me.
![I Believe... [Bisexual Marvel]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1608231367782-YZO2C0UABN87AGV84EHT/fullsizeoutput_11dc.jpeg)
I Believe... [Bisexual Marvel]
...that making Starlord from “Guardians of the Galaxy” bisexual presents a conundrum for Chris Pratt: continue to “act” the role or do some method preparation and fellate at least three dudes for some sort of ideological purity?
A Missed Opportunity
Hunting rats and my desire to kill them was the first topic of conversation my wife and I had when we met. She said I should not have been walking the alley behind my apartment with a small bb gun shooting at them because they had a right to be there. She wasn’t wrong. But neither was I. Fuck rats. Kill them all.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Favorite 2020 Conspiracies Edition
Kamala Harris is only a Black woman so Biden could get the white liberal woman vote.
The Highest of All Arts and the Path Away from Trump
The highest of all arts, indeed.
Compromise is about building something rather than destroying something. It is about looking past the obvious differences and finding the more substantial similarities. It is humanist rather than racist or sexist. It is a stretch of the perspective to encompass all of us rather than some of us. Compromise and the commitment to do so is a rebuke to othering, aversion, and moralizing.
A Letter from Santa’s Lawyers to Donald Trump
Mr. Giuliani gets lumps of coal from the North Pole every year which he uses as hair dye.
"Baby, It's Cold Outside" 2020 Edition
He: Beautiful watch you're wearing
She: My father will be pacing the floor—Wait, what about my watch?
He: Listen to the fireplace roar
She: No. This isn’t about the fireplace. Look, really, I'd better scurry
He: Okay. That’s fair. Text me tomorrow. I’ll get you a Lyft.
![I Believe… [Why Parler Failed]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1607903119075-491YYU25E0WJ6LEVC865/IMG_1879.jpeg)
I Believe… [Why Parler Failed]
...that it turns out people who troll on social media are not addicted to sharing ideas but to calling each other names. Hence, the rapid rise and rapid fall of Parler.
The Social Worker
I got a call. I needed to go to a home. A redneck case. Trailer trash in an apartment. Truancy issue with a 6th grader, as if showing up to school was going to change his future.
The Pandemic Was Foretold by the Wachowskis
This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 6, 2020
The only people who care about Hanukkah are bored Jews and gentiles trying to be nice.
“Cat Misses Jump” Misses the Mark — A Film Review
That’s :18 seconds of my life that I will never get back.
I Like to Watch | I’m Thinking of Ending Things (2020)
“I’m Thinking of Ending Things” is the most Charlie Kaufman film in his canon.
![I Believe... [Who’s Fragile Again?]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1607191679425-FBP3SEAKPZ4AHAL40U37/IMG_2541.JPG)
I Believe... [Who’s Fragile Again?]
I believe... that it’s interesting how people who are enraged, offended, and describe everything they dislike as ‘violence & harm’ believe that it is everyone else who is showing ‘fragility.’
Thirty-One Years
An old bear, kept in a chest, waiting to see his person once again.
Silence Most Definitely Does NOT Equal Violence
What ‘silence = violence’ really means is “...you’re free to agree, but disagreement or neutrality are expressly violent acts. And since I have every right to defend myself then maybe I’ll just break some windows and burn up some stuff.”
...that, at a certain age, a birthday is no longer a celebration of your existence but another notch in the ‘Fuck off, Death’ belt.