A Letter from Santa’s Lawyers to Donald Trump
Santa consults his legal team.
The Law Offices of Donner, Comet, and Blitzenstein
The North Pole
December 16, 2020
Dear President Trump,
This letter is to cease your libelous slander via Twitter and news outlets regarding our client and his annual mission to spread joy throughout the world via carefully crafted toys for good boys and girls. Mr. Claus’ operation is non-profit and is exempt from any government regulations regarding whom is deemed naughty or nice. Decisions on how he operates his annual trek across the globe is solely up to his discretion.
The unfounded and abusive accusations in question include these snippets from your official Twitter account and Fox News interviews beginning shortly after the electoral college declared Joe Biden the president-elect.
- “We have other options. We are taking our case to Santa Claus who, sadly, I hear is a Marxist socialist, but if he does what’s right, will overturn the election by Christmas. I hear Santa said Hunter Biden is naughty, by the way. The Fake News should be looking into that. All democrats are naughty. Pelosi, Schumer, Crooked Hilary, Pocahontas, all naughty.”
- “Santa should overturn the election. It’s on my wish list and I’m the president. To not overturn the election would be treason and Santa should go to jail if he doesn’t do it.”
- “The fake news should investigate Santa and his operation up there. Someone, I won’t say who, told me that Rudolph isn’t happy. He’s not happy. They made fun of him and apparently, still make fun of him.”
- “He keeps a list. Who’s naughty and who’s nice. Show us the list! Where’s the list? I heard it was on one of Hunter Biden’s laptops.”
- “Santa is overrated. You ask for something good, something nice, like a computer and you get a wooden train painted by an elf. Who does that? If I were Santa, you’d get a computer. Nobody wants a wooden train.”
- “Nobody asks Santa about his elves. Who are these people? I heard they are all criminals who escaped their countries before they could get caught. What else does Santa deliver in that sleigh that his elves stash in there? That’s a more important story than the Chinese Flu.”
- “Santa’s wife, Mrs. Claus, is not an attractive woman. She’s not my type. If I were Santa, I’d make Christmas every night just to get way from her. There’d be so much Christmas. People would get bored of Christmas-ing.”
This is Santa’s busiest time of year and your harassing behavior endangers his ability to do his job to the fullest. Stop this behavior and also restrain your attorney, Mr. Giuliani, from flooding us with his frivolous lawsuits claiming fraud and dereliction of duty. Santa Claus performs his role on his own volition and from the goodness of his heart. Mr. Giuliani has been getting lumps of coal from the North Pole for years, which he makes into hair dye. The recourse this year for Santa will be to bring him nothing at all.
In your case, Sir, let us be explicitly clear that there is nothing Santa or his associates can do to overturn the presidential election. That is not in Santa’s power and, even if it were, he would not comply to your demands. You simply got fewer votes than Joe Biden. Santa would not dismiss the wishes of 80 million nice people to make one naughty person happy.
This is also to inform you that Santa is considering his own lawsuit against you. Because of your gross mishandling of the United States’ response to COVID-19, he had to shave his signature beard to more effectively wear a mask. We don’t need to tell you how important a snowy white beard is to Santa’s brand.
Santa is not without a gift for you, though. Find enclosed a $25 gift card for a U-Haul rental good until January 20th. You lost. Move out and move on, and stop pestering beloved holiday icons.
Happy Holidays,
William Comet
Attorney-at-Law
P.S. Also stop trying to sell the rights to drill for oil on land that doesn’t belong to you. It’s bad for us reindeer.
Two of Santa’s Elf engineers discuss the most effective way to distribute gifts to Trump, his administration, and supporters.