Escaping the Crushing Need
This is not fucking fair. We’ve been together under false pretenses and I’m now expected to be the good boyfriend to two slowly declining grown women, both requiring my full attention and prone to demanding things rather than requesting help. If I leave, I’m a monster. If I stay, I’ve been consigned to a life of servitude.
I’ll be Disappointed if My Son Becomes a Cop
A young boy wanting to be a cop is not as bad as a young man becoming a cop. But a want that sticks around long enough is often gotten, especially if my son is raised to be the achiever we want him to be. If my son becomes a cop, if his want becomes his achievement, I’ll be disappointed. Not disappointed in him as much as I’ll be disappointed in myself and my wife. Because if my son becomes a cop, we were not good parents.
I Believe... [Certainty is a Sign of Error]
…that when it comes to economics, sociology, psychology, politics, meteorology, and craps, if you are dead certain of something you’re probably wrong.
Hope Idiotic | Part III
A MONTH LATER AT WORK, JUST BEFORE LUNCH, CHUCK BURST FROM HIS OFFICE into the area where Lou and I sat. He ran his hands through his short hair, clawing his scalp.
“Fucking Jesus!” he said.
Lou and I swiveled our chairs toward him and leaned back ready for the meltdown.
“Department meeting!” Chuck said. “Now! Cuba Café! Neal, you drive!”
“I can’t. I have to get gas.”
“Good. Get it on the way back.”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 1, 2019
I admit that I’ll be disappointed if my son grows up to be a cop.
Evil Roots
LIAM OPENED HIS EYES AND JOLTED UPWARD AS IF HE’D BEEN ELECTROCUTED. Bridget, standing beside the king-sized bed, shook him like he was a salad that needed more dressing. Liam winced in pain — Bridget wasn’t helping his shoulder arthritis. He looked at his wife: her grey hair blended with the white concrete wall behind her, and her green nightgown — a massive tank top that covered her naked body — blurred against her pale skin as if he were gazing into a kaleidoscope.
Hope Idiotic | Part II
Moonlighting as a drunkard, Chuck Keller was the assistant manager of the communications department at palm gaming, the largest hotel and casino company in Las Vegas and the world. After Chuck graduated from Nevada State, he was hired as the news editor for Valley Life, the alternative weekly rag, where I worked as the A&E editor.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Expelliarmus, Harry Potter!
This could be a gig for me. I get bonuses for exorcisms.
Hardware, Software, and What to Call the Apple Running Windows
When it comes to those sometimes brave, sometimes narcissistic folks born in the wrong biology, I suppose I just don’t get the hostility against them. It was once explained to me that all computers are basically the same machine. Some may have a few more ports or gadgets attached in construction but an iMac is substantially the same as a Dell. It is the software that truly changes the game.
FAQs: My Hair
Oh, what an interesting style/color. What does your <boyfriend/husband/male partner> think about it?
A. I don’t give a shit.
I Believe... [We Hate the Ones We Feed]
…that your stance against billionaires is only undercut by your reliance on a gas-powered vehicle, your adherence to googling things when you want to know something, wearing shoes made by mega-corporations, and your lunch at McDonalds/Burger King/Popeyes/KFC/Taco Bell.
Hope Idiotic | Part I
SHORTLY AFTER THE HEIGHT OF AMERICA’S FLAGRANT PATRIOTISM FOLLOWING 9/11, and just before the dawn of The Great Recession, there existed a wonderful Italian restaurant called Bella’s Ristorante. It was built into the foothills of the Black Mountain Range just outside of Las Vegas in Henderson, Nevada, a few short and dusty miles from the Strip at the edge of a wealthy suburban subdivision. My best friends Chuck Keller and Lou Bergman adored the place.
Taiga
There’s a reason why the flames lick higher and higher…
The Most Dangerous Breed
Ban the pit bulls! They bite! They have muscles! They have terrible owners! They hog all the covers!
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 25, 2019
Sometimes, the book’s dedication comes before anything else. Everything you make needs to have a reason and an audience.
Carrie
After two hours, I got another text:
“omg this uber guy took me to an empty parking lot and said I had to blow him. I screamed and Sugar barked so he did drive me to the airport but I got here too late so missed the flight. Promise to make next one in two hours, kissesJ
The Infantilization of Other People
An element of our reducing groups into easier to digest figurines, the stereotyping of people in order to process the ridiculous numbers surrounding us, is to almost unconsciously assume some sort of base stupidity on their part for choices they make.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Trump vs Weather
Ka-blooey! No more hurricane. It’s science.
Chris Churchill Saves the World | Love Notes
Beware: Mushy stuff ahead. God stuff. Love stuff. This is what I feel.
Competing in the Victimhood Marketplace is More Difficult Than It Used to Be
Victim status has gained genuine ground in terms of restitution to the victims of medical malpractice, the poisoning of water in rural areas, and the burning of a woman's labia by way of an incredibly hot cup of coffee.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.