Letting Go of the Things We Love
Gun to head, I’d have told you I was a leg man over a boobs guy and meant it. So much so, that in my early-twenties, after talking about it for years, I finally stole a mannequin leg from a mall department store. Okay, I didn’t steal it, my friend, Chris Gallant stole it. We were walking out of Dillards (maybe it was Robinsons-May), and I was saying, again, how badly I wanted to steal one of those legs. Chris, tired of the same old talk and no action, grabbed a leg decked out in DKNY thigh-high pantyhose just before exiting through the automatic doors. We barely picked up our pace as we headed to the car.
“Here’s your fucking leg,” he said.
How I Wish He Loved Me
How I wish he loved me. Overheard conversations. His indifference, his levity. Always a player, play-ah, bitches, beech-as. I know I'm stupid. Don't mind being stupid for him. He knows I'm stupid for him. Takes me for granted. I want to be taken for granted.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 10, 2019
Valentine’s Day isn’t a dumb holiday. It’s a day of self-help. Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity to manage your anxiety, pride, and feelings of loneliness. And according to Brian Sweeney, it’s the best day to eat ass and gargle nut.
Noble X — Episode 20: Contemplating Surrender
They give him ibuprofen and try to get him to drink water. Paul lies in the kitchen on the cold linoleum floor, writhing in pain while John and Colin sit at the table, now both riding Paul’s emotional rollercoaster.
American Shithole #47 | Red Fish, Blue Fish, Fuck Fish, You Fish?
But first, before they throw themselves like chum to sharks, every democrat must apologize.
Right. I can see why they’re all lining up to get it out of the way early. The hypocrisy of singling out moments of stupidity every well-meaning democrat must now say they are “sorry” for, while this criminally incompetent president sits atop a mountain of bullshit, deceit, cruelty and treachery, is likely hard for them to stomach.
It’s like comparing parking tickets to pedophilia.
Take the gloves off, Democratic Party, and start swinging like you’re fighting for your country’s life — because you are. Stop fucking Gillibrand-ing each other; stay fucking unified.
Remember the Al Franken!
Tangibility of Happiness
He always notices. No one else does. Those buttery eyes, like velvet embraces when they glance upon you. How is it possible for eyes to hold the universe? He can’t be human. He’s a man who moves with wings upon his shoulders, his feet just above the dirty ground, never soiled by the earth. And he always notices you.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Machine Gun America
The family that shoots together, shoots together.
Detritus Exasperated Love
Farewell to Chicago [1989–2019]
I Believe... [We’re All Just Lazier Than Ted Bundy]
...that our collective fascination with serial killers is fucking morbid and shows us all to be the monsters who think — a lot — about murdering people but lack the gumption.
Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas: Advice from a Former Las Vegan to the Valley’s Newest
At the time of this writing, my friend and former Chicago-based poet, model, and musician, Dana Jerman is residing in her new home in Las Vegas, Nevada. Her husband, co-editor of Literate Ape, longtime storyteller mainstay, and man with a complicated relationship with his feet, Don Hall is just three days out from loading up the last vestiges of their Chicago life — forty years between the two of them — into his Prius to make the drive west and begin a new adventure in a part of America Joseph Smith once referred to as a “great place to do anal with child brides and legally take money from the Jews.”
The Archeology of a Rolling Stone
I’m not nostalgic for the place but I feel that tug of melancholy leaving behind the memories. Yet the best part about memories is that, at least until I get that delicious dementia, they come with me.
Progressive Unity in the Face of MAGA
"OK. To start off, I want to open up the discussion with a simple question. Was a vote for Donald Trump a racist act? If he ran his campaign on racist rhetoric was the act of voting for him a sign that you are a racist as well?"
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of February 3, 2019
Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is an opportunity. Knowledge is cunning.
The White People I Hate
I’m a white guy. My wife is white, by today’s standards anyway. By that, I mean she’s Sicilian. She doesn’t speak Italian but her parents did. She is of Sicilian descent, shall we say. And there was a time not too long ago in American history where Italians, specifically Sicilians (you know, the brownish ones), we’re not truly considered white. Maybe the measure back then was, “Would they sell him the KKK robe?” And the answer in my wife’s parents’ case would be “No. Don’t sell those Sicilians this nice, fresh, white KKK robe.” See what I mean. Societal constructs, blah blah blah, etc.
American Shithole #46 | The Beautiful Things: PBS
Look, I’m a statist. I’m hardwired for cooperation. I like societies. I like the things societies provide. I don’t think it would be better if society collapsed and I had to shit in the woods every day.
When I think of PBS, I think of the very best our society has to offer.
PBS: Because nobody really likes to shit in the woods.
The Roller Coaster Bluff and James T. Kirk
Confidence isn’t a super power or a magic trick. It’s a delusion that can reap amazing benefits in the real.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | More Troops Being Deployed to Border
I thought we were only going to use the caravan threat in election years.
Hair Club for Dicks
I had never fallen this fast. Usually it takes me at least five dates to develop even a smidgen of feelings. This was different.
I am so Woke that it Seems like I’m Asleep but I’m not Because of My Wokeness: I’m Ready For 2020
The ramp up to Election 2020 is exactly what a cisgender, straight, white male ally needs to gin up the outrage and pick apart any hope for a Leftist Revolution to occur.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.