The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Machine Gun America

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Machine Gun America

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By Joe Janes 

Machine Gun America –

5th Anniversary New Attractions Meeting

Corporate Offices, Kissimmee, Florida,

The Smith & Wesson Room

In Attendance: Clint, John, Arnold, Sylvester

Somebody’s girlfriend took notes. 

Clint – Congratulations, everyone. Machine Gun America is celebrating its fifth year. For our five-year anniversary, we want to shake things up.

John – People shoot guns at things. Do we really need to freshen up that concept?

Clint – We want to make sure we’re doing something special. We’ll have space. We’re going to be closing The Shoot-Your-Way-Out Escape Room. 

Arnold – I love The Shoot-Your-Way-Out Escape Room. 

Clint – Once people figure out to shoot down the door with real bullets, the game is over. 

Sylvester – That’s usually their first choice. 

Clint – A third of our budget last year went to replacing doors. 

John – We could also try changing the name. Shoot-Your-Way-Out may be a little too on-the-nose. Well, I would love to see more family-oriented attractions. The family that shoots together, shoots together. 

Arnold – We already have the School Shooting Massacre where kids get to shoot at people more attractive than they are. Movie Madness can be for the whole family. Just swap out Batman for Mary Poppins. Muerte Las Vegas, just take out the country band and put in The Wiggles. 

Clint – My kids love The Wiggles. I always thought those shirts would make great targets. 

Sylvester – Here’s what I think is missing. Right now, people get to shoot at targets and mannequins. They never get a chance to shoot at anything that’s shooting back at them. We can do a Shoot The Rapids where snipers take pot shots at guests while they float down the lazy river. 

Clint – Opportunity for us to sell Kevlar swimwear in the gift shop.

John – We should arm everyone who rides the roller coaster. They can shoot at guests on the ground while they go through the loop.

Clint – That would take some impressive marksmanship. 

Sylvester – I like my Real Pirates of the Caribbean ride idea.

Clint – Is that where guests in boats get boarded and they’re held for ransom and systematically shot until the pirates get what they want?

Sylvester – We can get Tom Hanks to voice the captain character. Or his brother. 

Clint – Oh, one thing I’m sure we’re going to do is get rid of the zombie shootout. It’s getting old. Since there’s already a barricade, we’re just going to swap out the zombies for Mexicans. 

John – Real Mexicans?

Clint – Illegal ones. Authentic and we’ll save a ton of money. 

Arnold – You’re going to give guns to Mexicans?

Clint - No, no. Just rocks. We’ll tell them that if they make it over the wall, we’ll make them US citizens. 

John – Can we do that?

Clint – Do you really think they’ll make it over the wall? 

Sylvester – I’ll marry the first one that does. 

Arnold – You know, we do have a responsibility to be safe.

Clint – All guests and employees will have a gun and a flak jacket. 

Arnold – I meant we’re going to need better waivers for people to sign so we aren’t sued. 

John – That reminds me. We need to restock the petting zoo. 

Exit quickly through the gift shop.

Exit quickly through the gift shop.

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