I Believe… [Why Billionaires Shouldn't Run For Public Office]
…that the notion that billionaires are more qualified than others to run the country is founded on the capitalist belief that CEOs are somehow better leaders due to their success in swindling others to amass an unnecessary and obscene fortune. Creating wealth is a fundamentally selfish pursuit; civil service is a selfless occupation. We shouldn’t mix the two.
Fairy Tales Gone Awry
Disembodied photographs, disentangled lies
enumerating my descent, diagramming my surprise.
Fifty Three Years and A Shot
In the annual tradition of penning a list of things I learned in the year, year 53 has been a doozy.
Woke Super Bowl Commercials
Volkswagen – “Schindler’s Car”
Popular VW models transform into one another through the decades bringing us to today.
[V.O. – MAN]
A lot has changed in eighty years.
The way we live. The way we drive. The way we don’t kill Jews.
The all new 2019 Volkswagen Jetta. It’s not a Jew killer.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 27, 2019
It’s too soon to write Howard Schultz off as yet another oligarch or self-serving rich pud like Ross Perot with a self-righteous taste for the presidency. Just as I think it’s too soon to think that AOC is the Second Coming of Christ. Give them time. Maybe things’ll play out different than we assume. Maybe.
American Shithole #45 | D Minus Still Passes, Right Roger Stone?
Aliens only stop here when their intergalactic junker breaks down, or when they’ve foolishly run out of space gas — so every once in a long while, one of them gets stranded.
Here’s what I’m thinking… I’m pretty sure they left us Roger Stone.
Take Risks. What Else Are You Here For?
I know a thousand people terrified to jump out of a plane, tell a story onstage, quit a job they aren’t suited for, move away from an established stomping ground. I know a thousand people and they all know a thousand people who, in turn know another thousand who fear risking humiliation or failure than to step up and step out and do something risky or stupid or both in pursuit of a goal that may not seem reasonable.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Donner Party
George – Maybe we could order Grub Hub.
A Life Lesson from the Frozen Mailman
Perhaps he turned down my offer to warm up, thaw his beard, and revive his nose because he knew, as too many of us never learn or learn too late, that once you stop something you set out to achieve, it’s nearly impossible to start again.
Be Vulgar
Everyone loves their own truths. Everyone has, as the Hindus acknowledge in their greeting, “namasté,” that part of them which is eternal. That is the important part.
I Believe… [No. You Come See MY Show...]
…that in the wake of goodbyes and farewells associated with leaving Chicago, your request that I come see your show before I leave is just so baldly self-promotional it renders me cold and crunchy.
Illiterate Mother
As her heritage suggests, she was a strict mother during my teen years. Like a ninja figuring out a booby trap, I had to figure out how to navigate her stringent parental skills. My abilities peaked when it came to dating.
Noble X — Episode 19: The Guest of Honor
Paul is pissed about the Noble Experiment no longer resembling what his vision had been and his mind is filled with anger. The room quiets as he grapples with what he wants to say.
Yes, Lady From The Federalist, Adults Did Fail the Covington Catholic Boys
Adults have failed these kids by being all too willing to accept that nice white Catholic boys obviously could not have intended to be racist, and therefore were not racist. Adults have failed these kids by raising them inside a comfortable bubble of wealth and whiteness and teaching them they don’t have to bother thinking beyond the walls of that bubble.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 20, 2019
Having privilege is not inherently a bad thing. It does not define who you are. What you do with that privilege does. Do you use it to help people or hurt people? Bobby Kennedy is not Donald Trump and Donald Trump is no Bobby Kennedy. (Baby brother Teddy was no Bobby either when he used his privilege to let a dead girl get waterlogged in his sunken car.)
I am not your mascot; you are not my stereotype
I am not your mascot
not your stereotype
not your souvenir
scapegoat
figurehead
spokesperson
representative
tissue sample
DNA test
identity
other
American Shithole #44 | No Darling for Disinterested Davos
Luckily, American Shithole managed to sneak one of our top investigative reporters into the World Economic Forum — where a surprising number of billionaires felt comfortable expressing their complete lack of empathy on the record. Here are a few choice statements:
Buying Whores for Chuck Berry and a Threat from Jerry Lee Lewis
“You work for the radio station?” he asked again.
“Yes, sir, Mr. Lewis. I’m Dr. Dave Maxwell. What can I help you with?” Little Richard walked past us, and he, too, looked frail and worn down. The Killer glared at him as he passed. The Innovator didn’t seem to notice. Jerry Lee turned his gaze back at me, his eyes smaller now, his face taut with rage.
“Can you do me a favor, boy?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t let that niggah touch my pianah.” He and his two men went on their way.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Covington Catholic High School
Covington Catholic High School’s attempts at Diversity Outreach have been grossly misinterpreted by the media.
The Lack of any Viable Alternatives Makes the Smirking Kid Cement His Ideology
Yeah, I hear you. You were far more evolved when you were sixteen. You were whipsmart and filled with the lazy cynicism and biting wit of every episode of The Gilmore Girls. Instead of reacting with fear or rage or righteous indignation, you’d be the Martin Luther King of teenagers and calmly put the thing to rest.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.