The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | More Troops Being Deployed to Border

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | More Troops Being Deployed to Border

Active duty soldier being put to good use along the border.

Active duty soldier being put to good use along the border.

By Joe Janes

Department of Defense Organizational Meeting

8:30:02 am, The General Scheissekopf Conference Room, The Pentagon

Attendance: Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan, General Ann Taylor,

General Toby “Jack” Jackson, General Nils Millsson

Notes taken by Secretary General Frank Rodriguez who is more secretary than general


Shanahan – Sorry I’m late.

Taylor – We have all been here since dawn.

Shanahan– The meeting was scheduled for 8:30am. 

Taylor – Semper in Tempore.

Shanahan – Always…temporary?

Jackson – No, Acting Defense Secretary Shanahan. “Semper in Tempore” means always on time. We’re military. There’s no room for error. To be on time is to be early. In this case, eighty-one minutes early. 

Shanahan – Oh. That’s when dawn was? Not as bad as I thought. Sorry, gentlemen and, um, non-gentleman. I’m not military. I have a business degree from Harvard. I got up at 8am. I brought donuts. 

Millsson – Harvard’s finest. Now, what are we here to talk about?

Shanahan – As our esteemed President Trump announced last night in the State of the Union Address, we are deploying 3,750 more troops to the border. 

Taylor – We already have 2,300 troops down there in addition to 2,100 members of the National Guard. And I don’t mind telling you, they are bored as almighty hell. There is nothing for them to do.

Shanahan – Well, that’s what we are here to talk about. How can we use them more?

Jackson – The military isn’t allowed to do anything that law officials do. All there is for them to do is be a presence and boss The National Guard around.

Shanahan – Which is awesome. What a great presence. We have the best uniforms. And they can hold guns, right? They should all be holding guns. And sitting in tanks. Big tanks. 

Millsson – We already have them in rotation to stand guard. That’s what they do. They stand. And they guard. And they are bored. Now you want to send more troops?

Shanahan – As the right and honorable and glorious President Trump said in his address, there are caravans marching through Mexico to our border. And Mexico is giving them free bus rides to the weaker parts of our borders. Nice buses, too. We need people there to prepare for the tremendous onslaught.

Taylor – I thought we were only going to use the caravan threat in election years.

Shanahan – The president doesn’t lie. There are caravans and they are coming as we speak. 

Jackson – If we stop speaking will they stop coming?

Shanahan – They will come whether we speak or not.

Jackson – Shame.

Shanahan – He also said we must work on “ending illegal immigration and putting the ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers, and human traffickers out of business.”

Taylor – He really said we should put ruthless coyotes out of business? 

Millsson – How will they control the road runner population?

Jackson - Does he want us to drop anvils on them?

Shanahan – Did any of you watch the speech last night? 

Jackson – I, um, was doing important army stuff.

Taylor – Yes. Right. I was playing army. Protecting his right to say whatever the hell he wants to our country.

Millsson – I have a proposal. It will take very member of our troops, including the officers and the local law enforcement. We will all have to work together.

Shanahan – Everyone?

Millsson – Everyone. We line ourselves all along the border. From California to Texas. 

Taylor – There might still be gaps.

Jackson - We have everyone hold hands. 

Shanahan – A human wall! But wait, if everyone is holding hands, they can’t shoot anyone.

Jackson – That’s okay. Immigrants usually don’t have guns.

Taylor – Sounds like a giant game of Red Rover. 

Shanahan – And if we get too much flak from Democrats, we can offer a deal. If an immigrant can break through between two of our soldiers, we’ll grant them asylum.

Millsson – Sounds fair. 

Rodriguez – Rover Rojo!

The key to protecting our borders.

The key to protecting our borders.

The Roller Coaster Bluff and James T. Kirk

The Roller Coaster Bluff and James T. Kirk

Hair Club for Dicks

Hair Club for Dicks