“You aren't Going to Tell My Mom, are You?"
And then I saw her. Standing casually next to a guy in a T-shirt, looking around for a customer to lap dance for ten dollars in the room. It was Nora. “Holy shit!” I thought. “What is she... fifteen? Did she see me? How do I get outta here?”
Me Too & Oversharing & Dick Pics ... OH MY!
Have you ever had an overwhelming feeling that you should not go out with the guy you’ve been chatting with online? Naturally, I met him at Old Town Pour House.
I Believe… [The Monotony of Public Outrage]
…that when outrage becomes so normal and monotonous that the expression of it is merely annoying rather than inspiring, perhaps a step back is necessary. I’m not tone policing, I’m tone suggesting.
I was Trying to Write Something About the New Year but I Wrote Whatever This is Instead
I think about writing, “I think about writing nothing ever again, because what’s the point in it,” but that isn’t true; I never actually thought that, it’s just a thing that enters my head as something I could write. It’s the sort of thing someone might think, probably. Not this someone, though — no, probably, I’m too convinced of my own worthiness as a writer to ever consider simply not writing. What would be the point in that?
Why Bird Box Is A Great Horror Flick
The list can go on forever but the essential point is that best of the horror genre refuse to define exactly what the monster terrorized the flawed humans is and allows the viewer to play the game.
Noble X — Episode 17: Brothers
“Why are you driving with your hazards on?” Carefully merging into the flow of traffic, John states simply as if talking about the weather, “I am slightly a hazard right now. I know that I’m not well and I want to communicate non-verbally to the other drivers on the road that I am a hazard.”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | First Week of 2019
David, if you’re going to do the Daily Mini New York Times Crossword Puzzle, it’ll help if you know the difference between “fury” and “furry.” You idiot.
Required Watching: Minding The Gap (2018)
What Liu has captured really well are the moments of vivid and candid self-awareness they have when they address it, specifically with Zack and his girlfriend, Nina, discussing their cycle of domestic violence, and how it could affect their child. And as trapped as they are, the movie shows this as a result of not just their circumstances, but how they understand and navigate them day to day.
American Shithole #41 | 2018: Year in the Rear
Let’s get this out of the way: 2018 blew horrid chunks of shame and embarrassment all across the dance floor — not unlike a certain drunk freshman I can recall over-imbibing at a Syracuse sorority party he had no business attending — certainly requiring decades of scouring to remove the stench.
Well, the party’s almost over, and it’s time we all started sobering up.
The Big Fish and Von Freeman
The Big Fish swims in the Little Pond and, because he is a fish, he has no idea how small the pond is nor how small he is in the context of other ponds. When he is uplifted and thrown into a far larger pond (or a lake or an ocean) the inflated self-image shatters with the sound of Von Freeman casually stating the obvious in front of a room filled with strangers.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Motivational Quotes from Donald Trump
“100% of success is feeling up.” - Donald J. Trump
Almost Had to Say Goodbye
I had been writing a piece for Literate Ape about how New Years resolutions are complete bullshit and my utter disdain for making promises to oneself that one will just forget in a month or so. But I tossed it. In the light of recent events, the piece is tacky and negative. I don’t care about much right now except my mom making it through surgery and my dad keeping it together.
The Crack Is Not the Mirror
Focusing on the smallest of exceptions as endemic of the whole is a broken mirror. Back away from the mirror and the cracks seem less daunting. The closer you get, the more horrifying you look and the more the cracks supersede the purpose of the mirror itself.
I Believe... [Advertisers Should Die Uncomfortably]
..that after spending a week plus in Kansas, I can say that the worst thing about this country and the lives of a vast swath of its citizens is having to endure television advertising. Fucking Geico commercials can destroy even Godfather Part II. It’s like having an annoying 14-year old keep interrupting your show every fifteen minutes to poke you in the chest repeatedly, make armpit farts, and twerk to mouth-made beats. For three fucking hours.
Literate Ape Year End Review 2018
So, in tribute to what many will look back upon as a year spent eating their emotions in the form of Hot Pockets and brie and drinking from the swill bucket to make the pain go away, here are the top ten reads of Literate Ape from 2018:
2018: In Like a Savage Lion, Out Like a Rabid Lamb
Christmas Day 2018, Hammond, Illinois — My wife is a sleep. My son is asleep. My in-laws, I assume, are asleep. Santa, I hope with all my heart, is ripped on the good scotch and burning off the last of his Christmas Spirit on a horned and lubed up Mrs. Claus. And me, I’m awake with thoughts of family and the geriatric year 2018. It was a year many people have complained about. And for many, it wasn’t easy. Immigrants, would-be immigrants; refugees, would-be refugees… They had a rough go. Families of Parkland, Florida. The storms, the fires… There were some large scale FUBAR situations for sure. And these are situations we all need to reconcile with someday soon — a must before we meet our maker. But on the smaller scale of individuality, things were different. In hindsight — which is all we have left at this point, really — 2018 wasn’t so bad.
The Word of 2018 was “WTF?”
CNN announced that the word of 2018 was “Justice.” I’ve read on Medium that the word of 2018 was “Trauma,” “Resist,” and “Moments.” Also, “Truth,” “Rage,” Fuck,” and “Listen.”
All wrong.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 23, 2018
The big gifts from my wife this Christmas was a Simple Human trashcan for the kitchen, and the Verilux HappyLight Lucent. See, boys and girls, it’s easy to buy presents for a neat freak with a chronic case of the mulligrubs.
I’m still in the infant stage of its use but so far, this HappyLight thing seems to be doing the trick. I do feel better. Plus, I think it’s making my penis bigger.
Las Vegas Stinks... of Possibility
One of the most asked questions I’ve been fielding lately in this new pursuit for a home in the Mojave is “Why Vegas?” proffered in the same way one would ask you why I was wearing that gold sequined tube top to church or why I got that Joey Laurence neck tattoo.
American Shithole #40 | Christmas Tidings 2018
Oddly, I love Christmastime, which may be weird for an atheist, but not uncommon. I have plenty of atheist and agnostic friends that love Christmas too. I have fond memories of the season, which I am sure accounts for more than half my favor for the yearly celebration — I mean, what’s not to like about holiday music, gift-giving, mashed potatoes (with lots of gravy), friends, family, and the general merriment of yuletide cheer?
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.