Best of Literate Ape 2018 | Don Hall Dies & Other High Points
2018 was a good year for The Ape. As Hall and I bait the internet for search results, we’re offering up our year-in-review, Best of The Ape. He has his opinions and I have mine. And if they differ, well, that’s what sometimes makes us a great team.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Inn Keeper vs. The Christ Family
Joseph: We paid our bill.
Inn Keeper: You paid for two people and a mule.
Mary: Are you trying to charge us for our baby Jesus?
Joseph: She gave birth in straw. Straw!
Inn Keeper: Exactly! Blood everywhere. Have you ever tried to clean straw?
The Best of The Ape 2018 | Virgins Are Monsters
Literate Ape is a small digital rag and, while we’d love nothing more to be a huge digital rag, we’re proud of the writing in every case. In this article, I’d like to showcase a few pieces of phenomenal merit that, in the din of constant internet writing going on these days, you might have missed but are well worth your time reading.
Unforging Marley's Chain: Rewriting the Script
For me, it's those fucking chains of Marley that give me pause. Link by link, and yard by yard. The chain we forge in life.
I Believe… [Christmas Layoffs Are the Spawn of Hell]
…that any company that fires someone just before Christmas should be burned to the ground. That includes lauded comedy institutions, banks, orphanages, and indie record stores.
Love or Money, Christians? Which is it?
If you are averse to religious discussions, I warn you now, “Bible Verses Lie Ahead.” Not for the reason you usually see them thrown around, though. I’m not going to judge you here. In fact, being a fan of the Bible for what I see it to be, I strongly value the statement, “Judge not, lest ye be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” Jesus (if that is Your real name...) said that in the King James Version of the Bible, Book of Matthew, Chapter 7, verse 2. There are countless translations, of course, take your pick.
Second Chance
On my 33rd birthday, after hiding among the people and jobs, I realized that I wasn’t a mutant or a super hero. I wasn’t a part of a team. There was no one else on the entire planet with powers and life wasn’t a comic book. So I embraced my secret identity - Don Hall, average big-mouth white guy - and did my best to pretend I was normal. Just like everybody else.
'Tis the Season
I committed my first murder on Christmas Day 1958. I was eight.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 16, 2018
Actual advice I shouldn’t have given to a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant: “Just remember to take care of yourself, too. You’re still your own person. Your baby doesn’t need you to give him everything. He’ll be fine without you. Treat yourself.”
Making an Impression at Club Med
Benny was a degenerate troublemaker, so we got along very well. When adults marry, they say they found the one. To a teenage boy, the one is the friend who teaches you how to spank the monkey.
American Shithole #39 | 2018 Year in the Rear (Preview)
Unfortunately, not everyone made it. I know one little girl separated from her parents by Border Patrol that isn’t going to find any of the 2018 Year in the Rear review humorous. Which one, you ask? Well, the dead one, of course — the dead girl.
Happy holidays!
Noble X - Episode 16: Hazards
He stands to admire the puzzle of misdirection he has laid. The blinking red light is subtle, set against the red canvas duffle. His eyes stare into the pulse and he ponders, “Is the blinking red a warning?”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Visit Florida, Man!
Florida: The World’s Largest Drive-Thru Zoo. Next!
Problematic Movies of the '80s | Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)
I find myself bemused and slightly embarrassed that in my years of most physically viable my choices were so directly motivated by my cock.
I Believe… [Channeling Gump]
…that, in the spirit of Forrest Gump, racist is what racist does rather than what racist says.
Noir Santa Claus
"The Predictatron" and Other Predictions For 2019
I believe that, if you look back at my post from 2017, where I predict the events of 2018, you will see that I’m pretty darned accurate. Cosby is back on top! This last fall was the most pleasant on record. And the other stuff. My God! The other stuff!
Getting Punched In the Genitals by a Christmas Song
Welcome to the Faceborg Nation, friends and neighbors. Try the coffee — it’s bitter and unforgiving and comes only in Black or White.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 9, 2018
If Lady Gaga can sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tony Bennett, it can’t be that bad. Unless she likes being raped or whatever.
The Green Snowflake: A Christmastime Story
We all lean in and blow on the cake candles. Hollering and hugging. Laughing and clapping at once. It’s the sort of moment you know you can’t keep, just like you can’t freeze time, so instead you just look right into everyone’s smile and wish on the future for more moments just like it.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.