Getting Punched In the Genitals by a Christmas Song
Welcome to the Faceborg Nation, friends and neighbors. Try the coffee — it’s bitter and unforgiving and comes only in Black or White.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of December 9, 2018
If Lady Gaga can sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tony Bennett, it can’t be that bad. Unless she likes being raped or whatever.
The Green Snowflake: A Christmastime Story
We all lean in and blow on the cake candles. Hollering and hugging. Laughing and clapping at once. It’s the sort of moment you know you can’t keep, just like you can’t freeze time, so instead you just look right into everyone’s smile and wish on the future for more moments just like it.
American Shithole #38 | Digital to IRL
We’ve seen what connecting the world can do — wonderful things with Caturdays for everyone indeed — but mostly, Facebook provides charlatans and two-bit grifters with a platform to fleece more humans in less time than ever fleeced before.
The Future Is Female?
I think it’s clear to us all by now that men are simply not well-suited for gracefully managing the complex interpersonal connections necessary in the public sphere. They are too, shall we say, lusty and too ruled by instinct; these are not bad traits, not a sign that men are made wrong in any way — simply that they are different from women.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Yes, Virginia. Santa is a Nazi.
Yes, Virginia. Santa is a Nazi.
Changing Up the Routine: Acknowledging the Inevitable Tsunami
It takes 33 pounds of pressure and five minutes to strangle the life out of a grown human. It takes far less to strangle their aspirations of meaning and even less to simply boot-grind the breath out of their dreams for more than trading life for money for security.
I Believe.. [At Least He's Number One in Scandals]
…that this Mueller investigation has patiently and methodically put together nothing short of the most corrupt and systematic presidential scandal in history.
Why Don't You Shut Up?
You. Why don’t you shut up? All the constant talking. And if you’re not talking, you’re grunting or squirting out some small amount of air from some hole. And that makes a little noise. Human squeaking. It’s terrible.
I'll Tell You Something About Being a Jewish Gay Militant
Needless to say, I continued to hang out with this interestingly weird woman, a lesbian, who was always so nice to me, polite and attentive. I already had a boyfriend. But he had a lot of problems and our relationship had taken a dive at that moment.
Sorry, Mom, I Can't Make It To Christmas This Year
I apologize for losing out on this year’s Secret Santa exchange, and that I won’t be receiving a scented wax warmer for the fifth year in a row.
Lena Dunham is the Female Version of Brett Kavanaugh
Lena Dunham is the female version of Brett Kavanaugh. Dunham is saturated in privilege and showers herself in entitlement. She has tried to disguise it as feminism but it’s not. It’s rich, white, East Coast Society privileged entitlement. Simple as that. And white women feminist have turned a blind eye to her bullshit for too long.
Noble X — Episode 15: Dress Rehearsal
Colin and Anthony ask about all the new writing on the walls. “Is that permanent marker, dude? What does it mean?” and Thomas, while mostly silent, is visibly disturbed.
American Shithole #37 | The Redaction Game and a Farewell to a Softer, Kinder Dildo
So yeah, not quite the sendoff I gave that miserable fuck from Arizona, but it is technically the holiday season, and in the spirit of giving, I guess I’ll just leave it at that.
Shitty First Dates: Casey
Tony and Stephanie, or Brett and Casey?
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Wisconsin Power Grab!
If your body-mass index is less than “obesity” you are probably a perpetrator of voter fraud and not from Wisconsin.
George H.W. Bush and a Young Boy’s Foray into Politics
I was confused. Had I done something wrong? What the hell was a democrat and why didn’t they like republicans? And what was a republican, anyway? I looked at one of the pamphlets. Maybe I’d discover something awful about this George Bush guy. But nothing terrible was there: flew a plane in World War II, was our Vice President, did something with something called the CIA, was a congressman — whatever that was. I was nervous to deliver any more pamphlets. For the rest of my route, if it looked like someone was home, I avoided the house completely.
Trail of Tears
Visiting family.
My eight-year-old nephew
and I both studying
the Choctaw.
I Believe… ["Ruby's Tears": Band or Craft Beer?]
...that the naming of craft beers has now eclipsed the art of naming both bands and albums.
Real Life Ghost Stories | End of the Trail
What if some hauntings aren’t the spooktastic, skin-crawling nightmare some claim them to be? What if, instead of the nightmare angle, we approach a tale of ghost activity with understanding? Even love?
The stomach tightens and sinks.
The heart and lungs follow.
It’s a confounding reaction to a receipt of affection.
It’s familiar, and, therefore, oddly comforting.
But familiarity can be a curse.
A cursed reminder of what once went wrong when you were just trying to do things right this time.
This time it’ll be different, you say.
Why? You’re different, but what are you doing differently?