American Shithole #18 — Moving and the Traveling Salesman
I’d love to spare some time this week for Trump’s on-again, off-again (just kiss him already!) love affair with Li’l Kim, or the 1,475 missing migrant children lost due to inhumane policy changes at the DOJ, or whatever else tops the news from now until Thursday in the maelstrom of bile and garbage that is Washington, but I’ve been distracted by my own triumvirate — a difficult household move, an incompetent painting crew, and a door-to-door salesman whose life must’ve depended on selling just one more security package.
If 5 Million Immigrants Successfully Voted Illegally...
Statistics demands some must have been turned away. In Japan, 14,000 people die getting in and out of the bathtub, and in this country millions of people vote illegally without fail? There should be a mountain of data of all of the people who tried and were caught.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Emergency Meeting of the Ambien Marketing Department
Our hashtag #Ambien is trending. That hasn’t happened in forever. Even when the whole department did the ALS challenge while on Ambien.
Picking at Scabs Prevents Any Sort of Healing
I was never the bully that Johnny was and I was never the weak nerd that Daniel was but the amalgam of the two finds some sort of psychic purchase in my own assessment of self.
![I Believe… [Black Lives Matter But Not More Than Football]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1527184706491-MTVKUUUANG6IB6CI2MF6/ibelieve....jpg)
I Believe… [Black Lives Matter But Not More Than Football]
...that the simple answer is to not watch the NFL anymore. Yes, that would require so many to give up spectating a sport that exemplifies almost everything wrong with Americans in general (except for the sloth part): male, domestic abusing, drug addicts beating the shit out of each other for points and million dollar salaries.
America is a Teenager
The thing about these “new” societies is that they are “young” societies. Not children, necessarily. Children are fun and challenging but most people are cool with kids. It’s when these societies become “teenagers” that you have to watch them. When a teenager has too much control of a room full of adults, then you have a problem.
America is that teenager.
Feeling Young and Magnificent Giving 21st Birthday Wisdom to a Bum
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 20, 2018
My wife told me that while changing our son’s diaper yesterday, he reached down, grabbed his little nut sack and yanked on it. “He’s your son,” she said to me. “He’s already sitting in gum.” If you understand what she’s talking about then you know how proud my son has made me.
Loose Chicks Featured Chick: Lauren Huffman
Upcoming Shows:
May 25, 2018
8pm @ Emerald City Coffee, 1224 W Wilson Ave, Chicago, IL
June 8, 2018
7:15pm @ Uncharted Books, 2620 N Milwaukee Ave, Chicago, IL
Of The Seven, Americans Suffer Sloth More Than the Other Six
Sloth is commonly defined as laziness but that is not the Deadly Sin. The deadly sin is that of spiritual or emotional apathy. And America is an entire country filled with apathy. In our search for things to be easier, for things to be faster and more convenient, we stopped giving a shit. Sloth is, simply put, no longer caring enough to put in the effort.
American Shithole #17 — The Beautiful Things: Taxi
I asked a group of friends recently, “What is your go to for a feel-good television show?” The answers were as varied as you might imagine. I’d been looking for something to comfort me during a time of stress and sickness, and eventually I settled on an under-appreciated effort from my childhood — dark days require comfort and sanctuary, and there is no sanctuary quite like nostalgia.
Life is a Highway...
I like to drive. I like the freedom that hopping in the car and just heading out somewhere allows. My parents are currently on a random road trip through the western United States and the trip is classic in that they have no clue where they’re headed until the date before. Driving for hours to land at a hastily booked motel and seeing America. I love that.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - EPA Water Contaminants Closed Meeting
Pruitt: Tell my security team we’re going to Chi-town. This is very important. People are going to say I’m wasting tax payer money, this is just not true. Get me a penthouse suite at Four Seasons. We will use the hot tub to test the water quality. I’m willing to soak my dainty ass in tainted water for my country. Also, get me box seats for a Cubs game. We should test the beer. Get me reservations at Girl and the Goat. We should test both girls and goats for lead. Woo-hoo, we’re going to Chicago!
What’s Really Bothering Me About These School Shootings
I identify with that anger.
I don’t think anyone knew how really deeply angry and miserable I was throughout my entire childhood and adolescence.
And it was so hard to get free of that environment.
That back and forth between the two prisons of home and school.
I Shot My Dog in the Eye and All He did was Love Me More
“I broke him. I broke Eddie. His eye is loose in his head. He’ll never be able to take a cute photo again. He’s a freak! He’s broken! He’s probably blind. This is why… Do you see? This is why I can’t be a father. I’m going to break my kids and I… I can’t handle that. I can’t handle this. OH GOD! Eddie! I’m so sorry! Katie! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!”
![I Believe… [Let People Enjoy the Goddamn Wedding, Already!]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1526663253269-GA5OP3SLC0MKJ8R1JIXV/ibelieve....jpg)
I Believe… [Let People Enjoy the Goddamn Wedding, Already!]
…that, while I didn't watch the latest Royal Wedding, I'm not going to piss all ver people who love that stuff. The bitterness and acrimony of people who can't do anything but take a dump on someone enjoying the idea of romance and love in our crushingly depressing times is just more dung on the heap.
Whatever Happened To That Bald Eagle Metaphor?
First of all, I didn’t choose the bald eagle as a symbol for America. Some other blowhard with a quill pen did that. Famously, Ben Franklin thought that the turkey would be a better metaphor. In a letter to his daughter Sarah, in 1784, he explained how he saw the bald eagle as a coward and a thief. He thought the turkey was braver and more honest. So now we have to unpack even more metaphors.
Lean Cuisine Brings Both Liberation and Sadness
So convenient. I don’t like to cook.
So why should I have to? It takes
time and planning and organization
and executive functioning.
I forget to eat all the time.
I’ve got other things to do
and think about. Takes five
minutes in the microwave.
Dinner is quick. Grab a fork
and go back to looking
at the computer while I eat.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Advice to My Brother and His Fiancé on their Wedding Day Edition
• Go to bed angry. It’s always better to finish the fight in the morning with a clear head.
The Rise of the Ubiquitous Cult Of Personalities: Lil Tay is the Rule Rather Than the Exception
Arguably, our anserine president is only in the Oval because of his cult of personality and that is the harshest truth to swallow. So many in the world are celebrating their mediocrity, placing the highest of values on the least amount of skill or craft, seeking fame and notoriety for just being themselves, that we elected exactly who they strive to be and the irony of that fact is completely lost on them.
The Theory of Pie is established in my day-to-day. How much of my time is left after, say, a long work week of eight shows in six days? Who gets that time? How much do I gatekeeper for myself?