Don Hall 4/25/18 Don Hall 4/25/18

Grandiose Romanticism or Politics: Zombies Drinking Lattes

The fact that in all zombie stories, we are the zombies seems to get lost in the tales of the survivors. We are the masses of unthinking, brain-eating undead creatures shambling about looking for the living. Next season, I hope they give the hordes of flesh connoisseurs access to a zombie Faceborg and the allegory will be updated.

Elizabeth Harper 4/24/18 Elizabeth Harper 4/24/18

Quixotic Femme

I couldn’t turn my back
and I couldn’t fix it
Story of my life
lame excuse
Quixotic tale
striving for virtue
in a sewer

Do the best you can
Clean up the mess
Show up the next day
Clean up again

Don Hall 4/23/18 Don Hall 4/23/18

I Believe... [Modern Partisanship Resembles a Preschool Bathroom Break]

...that nothing makes me happier than Hannity being exposed and Ryan leaving the House. If McConnell is discovered to have a cache of weasel pornography on his hard drive and photos of himself with him jacking off while eating dogshit, I'd be the Happiest Asshole on Planet OMG.

David Himmel 4/23/18 David Himmel 4/23/18

Hotboxing My Dad: A Weed Trip and the Future Failure of Illinois

I imagine it’s hard to find work when you look like you sleep on a bong-water bed. Maybe not. Maybe this guy could straighten up and look more straightedge and acceptable for any other job. But why bother? In Denver, he could put his vast and exceptional knowledge of cannabis to great use. And he could do it without all the judgement and assholery that comes from a culture which things looking like a pothead is a bad thing. This guy, this stoner behind the counter, was more helpful than any putz at any store you could visit in the Clybourn Corridor.

Guest User 4/21/18 Guest User 4/21/18

Blame The Bookworm -- On Reading and Self-Sabotage

This too is important: skip ahead a little, or just read the ending and find a way to live with yourself about it, but for godsakes. Give yourself permission to quit a book. If after 40 or 50 pages you are slogging thru, put it down. Do it for yourself but also because it needs to be done.

David Himmel 4/20/18 David Himmel 4/20/18

Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 15, 2018

• Former First Lady Barbara Bush is an inspiration when it comes to family. She stood by and supported her husband as he ramped up the War on Drugs and exacerbated systemic disadvantages toward people of color. And she was proud of her bumbling nitwit son as he committed heinous war crimes. If Barbara Bush can do that, then Katie should have no problem always having my back, and no matter what kind of human turd my son ends up becoming, I’ll always be proud of him. Thank you, Mrs. Bush, for being such a role model.

Don Hall 4/20/18 Don Hall 4/20/18

YAWP: An Homage to Ginsberg in These Times

I'm no poet. While this is true, it is likewise true that I love poetry and, from time to time, indulge in the urge to write some. If you're really interested, you can go on Amazon and buy a book of my poetry. As I started to search for the thread of the idea behind the piece below, it kept bringing me back to Ginsberg's Howl. It is National Poetry Month, so I went with it.

Contributing Writer 4/19/18 Contributing Writer 4/19/18

American Shithole #13 — Sean Hannity's Pain Is My Coping Mechanism

It was still a beautiful day; immediately made all the more beatific, as Sean Hannity’s universe was suddenly shat upon by life’s equivalent of an elephant anus to the face, at point blank range.

William Arnett 4/19/18 William Arnett 4/19/18

Nothing Good Ends in "oma"

It's not easy learning you have a tumor. There will be pain, even if it's completely harmless.

Joe Janes 4/18/18 Joe Janes 4/18/18

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Buy War Bonds!

Grab ‘em by the stars and stripes. Support our troops! Let’s all fight! For freedom’s sake!

Don Hall 4/18/18 Don Hall 4/18/18

Finding Carl Kasell

“Has anyone seen Carl?”

The question chilled the blood in my chest. Anne, Tyler and I were up on the third balcony, placing Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! gift bags and Carl Kasell dolls on every one of the 1,850 seats in the Warner Theater. In three hours, every seat would be filled by fans looking to see and celebrate the final taping of the show with Carl as the Judge/Timekeeper.

Below, onstage, the cast and crew were running through a technical rehearsal — running jokes, testing microphones, adjusting lights.

And Carl was nowhere to be found.

Jenni Thurston 4/17/18 Jenni Thurston 4/17/18

The Boy Who Gave Up

He’s encouraged to live this way. He’s been told by his family that he has a heart condition and exercise could kill him. Even though they buy him energy drinks daily. But if he’s home constantly, all the family can leave their kids with him.

Don Hall 4/16/18 Don Hall 4/16/18

I Believe... [You Aren’t Boycotting Starbucks...]

...that, while the woman calling the cops to arrest the two black men in a Phillie Starbucks is complete and utter anal weeping, you aren’t boycotting Starbucks any more than you are deleting your Faceborg account or boycotting the NFL. And what would happen if you did? Would Starbucks cease to hire marginally racist white women as managers — in Philadelphia?

Guest User 4/16/18 Guest User 4/16/18

Couplea Jerk Poets: In Conversation with Nic Souder

Chicago native Nic Souder is one of those people for me. A podcaster, a poet, poetry show host, visual artist and acquaintance (not at all in that order). One whom I admire because he manages to use his darker experiences and the everyday to lace everything he touches with a kind of mad hipster magic.

He was gracious enough to let me steal him away after work for a few beers and a long chat, heavily abridged and presented here in celebration with National Poetry Month, about process and other creative curiosities…

Sponsored Content 4/15/18 Sponsored Content 4/15/18

Loose Chicks Featured Chick

Loose Chicks featuring Emily Belden
April 27 -- 8PM -- Emerald City Uptown

Elizabeth Harper 4/15/18 Elizabeth Harper 4/15/18

To a Woman Approaching Her First Spring as a Fifty-Year-Old

So you just turnedfifty,
the big five-0!
Say it softly.
You don’t want your nosy neighbors
to know.

Don Hall 4/14/18 Don Hall 4/14/18

Singing the Most Common Song in America

The myth proliferated by the government and media and those whose interests align with keeping money out of the hands of the masses is that the homeless are either mentally ill, criminals, drug addicts or stupid.

David Himmel 4/13/18 David Himmel 4/13/18

Notes from the Post-it Wall — It's All About Dogs!

• While my son is growing on me, I’d still trade him in for a puppy. Even a puppy can play fetch. My son sucks at fetch. And even though I understand it would require my wife to have fucked a canine, I was moronically hoping that she’d give birth to a puppy. But most of all, I wish that my son and Eddie could have shared some snuggles.

Don Hall 4/13/18 Don Hall 4/13/18

My Emotional Support Strategy Isn't as Cute as a Puppy

I am now at war with the Chicago Transit Authority, Target and United Airlines for denying me my right to utilize my emotional support strategy and generally discriminating against myself and those countless people who have the same ailment but have been silenced by a marginalizing oppression due to archaic views of the human body.

Contributing Writer 4/12/18 Contributing Writer 4/12/18

American Shithole #12 — Michael Cohen: Tain't Misbehavin'

Not enough people are making jokes about the taint team, by the way. I was expecting more taint humor this week, but all we got were assholes. “More Taint, Less Asshole” is my new motto. I think it would make a fine t-shirt with an inappropriate image of our disaster-in-chief.