Jenni Thurston 4/12/18 Jenni Thurston 4/12/18

A Bad Cruise Vacation Turns Gripes to Gratitude

Did you know that on a cruise ship food and drink are not available whenever you want? Also, did you know that when you are on a gargantuan ship it means a three-mile walk just to go from your room to, oh, anywhere? Waiting in line for everything while holding a sweating and screaming toddler isn’t as restful as it may sound. And having her cry through magical excursions that cost more than a mortgage payment nearly caused me to launch myself overboard.

Joe Janes 4/11/18 Joe Janes 4/11/18

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Witch Hunters Union of the New America

Rev. Parris – The most devious sign to look for in a witch is their insistence that they are not guilty and that this is some kind of witch hunt.

Elizabeth Harper 4/11/18 Elizabeth Harper 4/11/18

Excerpt from an Anger Journal

Even if your angry interpretation of the situation is morally and factually correct, maybe you need to add more details and information to the angry story you are telling.

Contributing Writer 4/10/18 Contributing Writer 4/10/18

Creepy Old Guy

I don’t know how I missed you being a creep from the start. Your park ranger hat and fake limp should have given it away. But, I was blinded. I was blinded by compassion toward your loneliness. I felt for your sad life. Per your description, your 65 years on Earth was without family or real connection to another human being. Your vulnerability in opening up and telling our a Capella group how you have not had a place to go for the holidays in decades broke our hearts.

Don Hall 4/10/18 Don Hall 4/10/18

Stigmata Nation: The Martyr Complex is Complete

All of America, from sea to motherfucking shining, oil-polluted, used condom-filled sea, is obsessed with bitching about how hard their lives are.

Don Hall 4/9/18 Don Hall 4/9/18

I Believe... [It Didn’t Snow in Cancun]

...that if your perception of Mexico and Mexican people specifically comes from the media, you need to take a trip to Mexico. Trust me, you’re wrong. Beautiful country, beautiful people. Trusting your media-fed perspective is like trusting Trump about Chicago.

Chris Churchill 4/9/18 Chris Churchill 4/9/18

Morality: Past, Present and Future

I’m not trying to incite class warfare. Just class awareness. You can forgive and not forget. You can love the sinner and hate the sin. And in this new morality, you can love your enemy but also not stand for their bullshit.

Don Hall 4/8/18 Don Hall 4/8/18

Reports of My Death...

I’m in Cancun, Mexico with Dana as you read this. Which means I can’t grab you for coffee or a sandwich right now. Because I’m lounging in the sand with the most most wonderful human being in the known universe.

That said, when we get back, expect an invitation to spend some time. In person. Like humans are supposed to do.

David Himmel 4/7/18 David Himmel 4/7/18

"Here's My Heart": Braid's 'Frame & Canvas' Turns 20

The songs were about being in a state of certain uncertainty. A place of transition with the balls to step up and have no fear of fucking it all up. The songs were about girls and friends and getting older and being younger and parents and longing and having and missing and distance and places and things and giving a shit and not giving a shit at all.

David Himmel 4/6/18 David Himmel 4/6/18

Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 1, 2018

• On the first of the month, I engage in that superstitions tradition of saying “rabbit, rabbit” when I first wake up, before I say anything else. When one does this, one is resigned to have good luck throughout that month. On Sunday, April 1, 2018, the first thing I said was not, “rabbit, rabbit.” I said, “Fuckinggoddammit, Harry! What is your fucking deal? I just changed you. You just ate. Is it gas? Do you have to fart? Jesus fucking Christ, calm down, please!” As a result, I’m gravely concerned over what my luck will be like this month.

Roberta Miles 4/6/18 Roberta Miles 4/6/18

I Got My Mother Stoned and Now She is Gone

We sent her down to the front side walk, which was a little tricky to get to, I admit. We were hoping for pictures of all the birthday party attendees wrapped around and hanging off the railings. It took her a very long time to hit bottom. She kept stopping and yelling “Am I there yet?”

Contributing Writer 4/5/18 Contributing Writer 4/5/18

American Shithole #11 — Scott Pruitt: Ambien From Oklahoma

Never has there been a more boring villain in the Trump rogue’s gallery, than this litigious Jesus freak. Reading a bio piece on Scott Pruitt is like reading a 40-page white paper on the chemical properties of Vaseline.

Don Hall 4/5/18 Don Hall 4/5/18

To Bro, With Disregard: Substitute Teaching in the New World

After a solid 12 years out of the public school teaching workforce, I'm infrequently back to substitute teaching for charter schools. Once or twice a week, balanced by events work, Literate Ape work, podcasting and pretending to be a reporter on Chicago Med. Not because I have any interest in rejoining the profession but because I got the damn degree and freelance work sometimes leaves some down time. Gotta make a few bucks while you can, amirite?

Joe Janes 4/4/18 Joe Janes 4/4/18

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room

Rosanne - With Jackie mortally wounded, I can be at her deathbed and her last words to me are, “You were right.” And I say, “I was alt-right.”

David Himmel 4/4/18 David Himmel 4/4/18

New Study — American Darwinism and the Narrowing Survival of the Dumbest

The speed at which the human species is evolving has led to a splinter effect leading to the discovery of four new sub-species of Homo sapiens: Homo dumbassness, Homo exploitus, Homo regressiveleftist, and Homo balanceintelligence. These four sub-species are in a battle of of evolutionary might yet unseen, and it is apparent through careful consideration and historically-based common sense that only one will survive by proving its adaptability and fitness for survival in these modern times.

Don Hall 4/3/18 Don Hall 4/3/18

REVERSALS: Rebecca is Almost Always Right

As Dracula stood centerstage, surrounded by the bodies of his victims, and the first piano strains of “I Will Survive” chimed in, the audience started giggling again already exhausted from laughing their asses off for a straight hour. By the time he was fully into the song, glorious in his Richard Harris singing style, the crowd was clapping on the beat and the place was on fire.

Don Hall 4/2/18 Don Hall 4/2/18

I Believe… [I Have Risen]

...that nothing speaks to how clueless and discompassionate we are as people than the immediate chattering of Starbucks customers following a homeless man wondering into the coffee shop barking “Can anyone help me? I’m hungry!”

Elizabeth Harper 4/2/18 Elizabeth Harper 4/2/18

My 12-Step Guide to Being a Badass

1. I admitted I was powerless over all the excruciating bullshit in the world—that the life I was expected to live according to straight society was unmanageable, and not a life I wanted to live anyway.

David Himmel 4/1/18 David Himmel 4/1/18

Don Hall 1966–2018 — An April Fool's Obit

Don Hall has died. He was 52 years old.

David Himmel 3/31/18 David Himmel 3/31/18

An April Fool's Commitment

April Fools’ Day is like my dad’s Christmas, his Super Bowl, his Cubs winning the World Series. "Face it. I’m the best prankster. I’ll go to the ends of the earth to make it the best. Next year I burn down the house."