Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 14, 2018
• When I hear Chicagoans complain about how harsh and foul the sub-freezing and sub-zero weather is, I think of the city’s earliest settlers. I think of their toughness, their resolve to thrive without central or radiator heat, or hand warmers or hot water heaters. And I think that Chicago’s earliest settlers were goddamn idiots for not saying, “Fuck the fur trade and this livestock shit. I’m going out west and becoming a professional surfer.”
This Hatred We Call Tolerance
Two kinds of tolerance:
1) the ability
or willingness
to tolerate something, such as
the existence of opinions or behavior
that one does not necessarily agree with;
2) the capacity to endure
continued subjection
to something
without adverse reaction.
American Shithole #0 — Introductions
I fully understand I am signing up for something that will likely offer as a return, many self-righteous kicks to my junk, public shaming, little remuneration and probably additional junk punches for a closer. For example, I am sure I will rue the day I write about Al Franken, but you know, fuck it, I’m definitely going to write about Franken.
Of course, at the breakneck speed this country is barreling toward an inescapable permanent shithole event horizon, perhaps that article will be met with an “Al who?”
Above All, Try Something (Hamlet Dies at the End, Right?)
I believe that while the planet and the humanity that populates it is increasingly complicated, we are almost always faced with two choices:
- Do the thing.
- Don't do the thing.
An awful lot of the time we choose the latter because we fear the consequences of the former.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – 1790 House Committee on Immigration Meets with President George Washington
Washington - Why don’t we ever get people from Norway stacking themselves in the bowels of ships clamoring to come to America?
Everything You Need To Think After Watching Black Mirror: Season 4
So true...
...Go tell them you love them...
...You know who...
Chicago Dibs: A Family Tradition
Rose wanted to serve a purpose. She wanted to improve people’s lives and give all that she could to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly why my paralyzed sister Rose was perfect for being a dibs space-saver.
I Believe… [If Only Trump Ended Sentences With "Meathead!"]
…that Donald Trump is like having Archie Bunker as president. Imagine the late Carroll O'Connor asking "Why would we want all these people from shithole countries when the United States should admit more people from places like Norway, Meathead." If fact, from now on, no matter what the TrumpsterFire says, I'm going to hear it in Bunker's voice and my life will be funnier.
Gentrification is a Progressive Boon
Think of how much better your life is with a neighborhood Target. You can get your clothes, your groceries, electronics and prescriptions filled all at one stop. You can’t do that at a small business shoe store or a bodega or a Radio Shack or a standalone pharmacy. And those smaller stores employ only a handful of people. Each Target employs hundreds. Sometimes those small stores are family owned and operated, so only one family makes the money. With Target, hundreds of families are able to earn money, in some cases with health benefits, too. This would not be possible without gentrification — without the renovation of a deteriorated neighborhood.
Gentrification Is Nothing More Than an Endless Land Grab
The following stories are true.
Chicago Town Pizza
Frozen pizza in the UK is in a sorry state. Exhibit A: Chicago Town Pizza. But I'm here to help fix things.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 7, 2018
• It’s funny to me that when it comes to reproductive rights, pro-choicers want women to be directly responsible for what happens to their bodies — no one else — when the reality is that a pregnant woman has very little choice as to what happens to her body once the fetus gets comfortable. And that’s even funnier to me if the fetus is a boy. And even funnier still if the fetus is a white boy. Pro-choice women pregnant with white males make me want to listen to Alanis Morissette’s Ironic on repeat.
Decisions Suck: One Step Toward My Dreams and Back Again
I always planned on being a singer and as it turns out I am a pretty successful jazz singer in the city. But at 18, I had decided to be an opera singer. In my search for a teacher, ballsy me, courageous me, determined me, sent a letter to Beverly Sills, one of the greatest coloratura soprano’s in the world, asking her for a voice teacher recommendation.
LIFEHACK: The Secret to Productivity is Dressing Up as a Superhero
Got a big interview for that dream gig? How about throwing on that Spider-Man outfit and nailing it? On a tight deadline to get those spreadsheets completed by the end of the day? Slip into the company washroom and emerge as Storm from the X-Men! That presentation to the company about your team P&L's? Do it dressed as the Fantastic Four and if people can forget how shitty all the movies have been, you will wow them!
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - First Date at The Cheesecake Factory
I nearly wept as I wrote on their bill “GYB - smiley face - Skylar”. I explained that GYB means “Got your back” as I set down the check.
Life IS a Simulation — Here's How to Win!
"Life IS a simulation. Let’s just roll with that. Being a psych patient myself with psychotic episodes in my past but in treatment and doing well, I have developed an odd relationship with the concept of reality. Every once in a while, I pop out of my self and my context in the world, and I see the bigger picture. It makes life exciting for me and for others. It also makes life with me annoying and troubling sometimes.
The Hit and Run Boy: True Moments from the ER
In the ER, the trauma code was called for the hit-and-run boy. He was found by police after an unknown amount of time lying on the road in a pool of congealing blood. No witnesses, and the driver who ran him down was long gone.
I Believe… [Fashion Statement Activism]
…that the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling (and people are buying) a $135 Coffee Enema Kit is far more alarming than anything going on in Congress these days. I "accidentally" shot coffee up my ass (there was a safe word) and it was not worth $135 unless it was from Starbucks.
Considering Chicago’s Dead Rats — An Existential Discovery
Recently, I watched a rat die naturally and it nearly broke my heart. It’s a strange feeling since I have taken the lives of so many rats before.
In our house, we refer to the summer of 2014 affectionately as the Summer of the Rat. Three out of seven days a week during that summer when I would take our dog, Eddie, out for his morning constitutional, I’d find at least one dead rat in one of the several rat traps we had set in our yard. While Eddie did his business, I tended to the business of disposing of the rat. I was always prepared to find one so I’d pick up the trap gingerly by its edges and drop it into the plastic trash bag I’d brought out with me. When Eddie was done, I’d use a smaller plastic bag to scoop up his poop and drop that into the rat bag, tie it up and walk it to the dumpster behind our apartment building.
The Fear of Human Failing and the Culture That Breeds It
Unfortunately, Reality tends to bitchslap Current Culture in the chops just about every time.
The second voice arrived on Thursday morning while Monte was attempting to make toast.