Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 7, 2018
• It’s funny to me that when it comes to reproductive rights, pro-choicers want women to be directly responsible for what happens to their bodies — no one else — when the reality is that a pregnant woman has very little choice as to what happens to her body once the fetus gets comfortable. And that’s even funnier to me if the fetus is a boy. And even funnier still if the fetus is a white boy. Pro-choice women pregnant with white males make me want to listen to Alanis Morissette’s Ironic on repeat.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 31, 2017
• I can easily find every excuse in the book to avoid writing a book.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 24, 2017
• Soren Kierkgaard said, “People understand me so poorly that they don’t even understand my complaint about them not understanding me.” Bro, I feel you, really. I understand.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Christmas Edition
• Israel thought it was getting Jerusalem as a capital city for Christmas this year. I guess it'll have to settle for that gift card to Ross Dress for Less.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 10, 2017
• Eating Panda Express is a lot like suicide: It seems like the right thing to do in the moment but the results are always devastating.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 3, 2017
• Mensch on a Bench is stupid. It’s lazy man’s cultural appropriation. Hey, Jewish people, stop it. Let the Christians have their Elf on a Shelf. Jews don’t need a stuffed toy to keep the kids in line. The Christians have Santa and his helpers—the elf on that shelf—keeping an eye on the kids. Jews have the wrath of the Old Testament God. So instead, put God on a Rod and leave it alone.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 26, 2017
• If your family doesn’t share its health history with you, you should ask. Many terrible health hardships can be avoided when you know what you may be in for. If your family refuses to be forthcoming it’s because they hate you and want you to die.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — An Uncle's Thanksgiving Edition
• With a holiday where near everyone is so obsessed with overeating for completely irrational reasons, it's refreshing to sit next to my nephew as he tries to weasel out of eating five more Skittles-size bites of turkey. I'm with you, kid. Enough is enough. Put the fork down, Fat America.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 12, 2017
• Few things bring me greater relief than deleting The Walking Dead from my DVR.
• Update resume.
• Do the best you can not to panic and shit the bed any more than you already have this month. You’re beginning to stink and are flinging your own shit everywhere.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 5, 2017
• I would kill to be a sociopath.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of October 29, 2017
• I have always appreciated Madonna for continuing to reinvent herself with each album or decade or whatever. With her new skin care line, she’s reinvented herself as a chubby Drew Barrymore.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Halloween Edition
• There’s nothing scarier than having your mom show up to your Halloween party dressed as a slutty caterpillar.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 15, 2017
• My days go by so fast so often. That's a good thing because most of my days suck.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 8, 2017
• The dirtiest roommates I’ve had have all been women. #TheFutureisFilthy #NastyWoman
• I’m a Cubs fan but I don’t really want the Cubs to win the World Series again. The last time they won Donald Trump was elected president. If you think those two incredibly inconceivable things aren’t related, you’re not paying attention.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of October 1, 2017
• Too many people think Red Dawn and Die Hard are documentaries.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of September 24, 2017
As a young pervert and budding writer, I absolutely read the articles in Playboy. Really, the writing in that magazine was always as high quality as the air brushing of boobies.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of September 17, 2017
• I’m a honky with a dingdong, therefore, everything I say means nothing and I’m the bad guy. And so is he.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of September 10, 2017
• Maybe I should be reading instead of watching Voltron: Legendary Defender.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of September 3, 2017
• I'm not big on claiming divine intervention, but when I consider the number and magnitude of the storms, and the wildfires that have beaten the hell out of our country's topography, and injured, killed or displaced so many Americans, it's difficult for me not to conclude that God actively hates America's guts and he is trying to run us out of town.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of August 27, 2017
• It’s unfortunate that it takes national disasters, like what Hurricane-turned Tropical Storm Harvey did to Houston, to bring out the best in people...
Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.