All tagged Satire

New Study — American Darwinism and the Narrowing Survival of the Dumbest

The speed at which the human species is evolving has led to a splinter effect leading to the discovery of four new sub-species of Homo sapiens: Homo dumbassness, Homo exploitus, Homo regressiveleftist, and Homo balanceintelligence. These four sub-species are in a battle of of evolutionary might yet unseen, and it is apparent through careful consideration and historically-based common sense that only one will survive by proving its adaptability and fitness for survival in these modern times.

Gentrification is a Progressive Boon

Think of how much better your life is with a neighborhood Target. You can get your clothes, your groceries, electronics and prescriptions filled all at one stop. You can’t do that at a small business shoe store or a bodega or a Radio Shack or a standalone pharmacy. And those smaller stores employ only a handful of people. Each Target employs hundreds. Sometimes those small stores are family owned and operated, so only one family makes the money. With Target, hundreds of families are able to earn money, in some cases with health benefits, too. This would not be possible without gentrification — without the renovation of a deteriorated neighborhood.

Boners! Boners! Boners!: America’s Unexpected Historical Hard-ons

With each revelation that another powerful and popular, often beloved, man has been accused of sexual harassment, we collectively exclaim, “No way! Come on!” and ask ourselves “Who’s next?” Eventually the shock wears off giving way to accusations that aren’t just gross and likely criminal, but also strangely pathetic.

And so, allow me to present to you, recent discoveries of sexual misconduct committed by some of our most treasured figures.