Anatomy of an Uncomfortable Moment
She said, “Sorry. You just don’t look twenty-seven. You should take that as a compliment.” He didn’t. I feel like he didn’t take it as a compliment because of what was coming next. I say that because we all knew what was coming next.
I Believe… [154 Days Per Bullet]
…that six and three-quarters years is not a sentence for sixteen shots.
A Model United Nations: This Curfew Is Bullshit
It was a glorious day in the nation’s capital. We picked up beverages and laid out on the lawn, toasting the Washington Monument as it glinted in the sunlight. I fleetingly wondered how things were going at the conference; not well to be sure, given that the delegation from the United States was busy drinking malt liquor out of brown bags on Capitol Hill. The entire Model UN was probably falling apart.
Noble X — Episode 18: Opening Ceremonies
“What the fuck is he doing?” Thomas grabs Anthony by the arm. Anthony shrugs and whispers, “It feels like performance art, maybe. Not sure.” Colin overhears and adds leaning in, “Let’s just keep an eye on him.” Surprisingly, nobody leaves. However uncomfortable they’ve been made at the start of this evening, they are all intrigued and intend to see how this plays out.
Did I Say “Hot Room?”
A Parent/Teacher Conference. Mom stands next to Dad, looking slightly annoyed. Dad, on the other hand, looks pissed. And the eighth grade turd who frequently stirs up trouble in class and is thereby the target of some of my more creative punitive measures, is looking so pleased that Mr. Hall is finally going to get it.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 13, 2019
Knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is an opportunity.
American Shithole #43 | GOP Senators are the Embodiment of Cowardice
I hope we get to hold them down and carve a giant “T” into their thick fucking skulls before this is all over — although I imagine history has far worse in store for them. The “T” is for Traitor, of course, although that word will become synonymous with Trump in due time.
Is Marketing the Root of All Evil?
Gillette doesn’t feel like a sales pitch. It feels genuine. It is a marketing success. But also, “Buy our razors because Dollar Shave Club and Harry’s ain’t woke like we are.” There’s just no escaping it, for-profit companies need our money, and they’ll do anything to get it. In this case, Gillette did it right.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Things That Are Trying to Kill Me
Joe’s Penis – We’ve been friends ever since you spilled some shampoo on your junk when you were fourteen.
The American Mystery | Part Two
Thus, we conclude the American mystery of such woe I cannot unburden my heart with just the simple typing of keys.
Do You Weigh as Much as a Duck?
The concept that if I say my pain is real, it must be real, and if you don't suffer from my pain, my pain is in some part your fault so just listen to me as I yell in your face about your need for shame and contrition.
I Believe… [But Th-Th-They Do It, Too!]
…that the act of pointing out the bad behavior of others when confronted with your own is the act of a child. This is true for presidents, improv comedians, and people caught littering.
An Impeached Trump is a More Powerful Trump
We’re not just facing Trump’s wrath or the democratic trouble it will incite. We have to be mindful of the die-hard Trump supporters.
The Zen of Death Cleaning | Part 1
Due to a recent death in the family and through a very specific set of circumstances, a peculiar history if you will, several generations of things including furniture, dishes and glassware, books, family photographs, art created and collected by family members, plus handwritten notes, cards, diaries, etc. have accumulated in one house which I find myself compelled to look through.
You Can't Blowfish Your Way Outta This Mess
When the Universe grants the food pellets to the rats who squall the most vociferously the message is simple and obvious. Blowfish the shit out of your daily problems. Go online and type your grievances ALL IN CAPS SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW GODDAMN PISSED YOU ARE!
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 6, 2019
You don’t need balloons or cupcakes to be excited about learning your baby’s sex. And yes, it’s a sex. It’s never gender. Gender is a social construct, and for even the most pro-life pro-lifers out there, an unborn child/fetus/uterine turd cannot, by the laws of science, be socialized. Talk to it, play music for it, fine. You can’t make it like pink or blue in the womb. If you need to be surprised about your baby’s sex, listen to what your OB or midwife tells you during pregnancy, or at the time of birth. Getting all geared up over the sex of a child is exactly why we have sexism. So, please, for the sake of our future, knock it the fuck off.
What Happened to Danny?
Across the alley I see her, lathering, sudsy soap rolling down her back. A joint, a Diet Pepsi and the hopes for a hard on from a woman who knew he spied on her and didn’t pull the shade down.
American Shithole #42 | Three Really Old Vampires Frightened and Bored the New Vampires in America Today
Wow, what a snooze-fest from all three of those (in)dentured fossils. I’ve seen livelier performances from Keanu Reeves in a sadness meme.
The American Mystery | Part One
The events I record now are hardly my own, but rather a tale of an extraordinary detective and his ever-faithful friend. I was merely along for the ride. This is a tale most grim about a case that would become one of America’s most unsolved mysteries.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Space Force 2: The Wrath of Grapes
They are going to invade our planet and soon there will be a Gagh vessel on every corner.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.