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I Believe… [Grace Ain’t Competence]
Don Hall
I Believe… [Grace Ain’t Competence]
Don Hall

...that ‘grace under pressure’ isn’t the same thing as ‘competence in a crisis.’

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Don Hall

 

The Graceful Failure of Mayor Rahm Emanuel
David Himmel David Himmel David Himmel David Himmel

The Graceful Failure of Mayor Rahm Emanuel

But what’s he really going to do? I imagine that he’ll spend the next three to eight months furiously beating his knob to a pulp jerking it to footage from the 1968 Democratic National Convention riots in Grant Park. You know, back when Chicago was a city he could get behind. One where the police policed. Maybe he’ll spend his days eating Arby’s sandwiches hoping to find a finger in his food. His finger.

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Labor Day Celebrates a Long Gone Dignity
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Labor Day Celebrates a Long Gone Dignity

Robber Barons are back in control, the banks are so predatory that it’s hard to believe that bankers aren’t equipped with shark teeth hiding behind their benign smiles, the gig economy is now being trumpeted as somehow new and distinct from the age-old practice of sharecropping, and I’m quite certain that no one who actually works in the labor sector has ever worn fucking white pants anywhere.

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Anatomy Of A Bad Haircut
Chris Churchill Chris Churchill Chris Churchill Chris Churchill

Anatomy Of A Bad Haircut

I’m not just telling you about his hair to feel superior. There, but for the grace of God and the lack of an intelligent and stylish woman in my life, go I. I’m no GQ model myself by the way. I don’t even have all my testicles. I promise I’m not punching down. 

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Required Watching: “Bobby Fischer Against The World” (2011)
Contributing Writer Contributing Writer

Required Watching: “Bobby Fischer Against The World” (2011)

We have a very specific vision of anyone when we hear people referred to as a “genius,” and that tends to be some version of the Manipulative Bastard. This is the archetype of the naturally gifted omni-observant wonder who scans a crime scene for clues to fight evil, and because of it, be a huge dick to everyone. We love this jerkass character for all it’s perfect-answering wish fulfillment, snappy comebacks, and the assumed amount of social credit it takes to be a douche.

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Gary Thompson, The Great American Drifter
Fiction, David Himmel David Himmel Fiction, David Himmel David Himmel

Gary Thompson, The Great American Drifter

I felt a kinship to this guy. I, too, had always felt that without the trappings of relationships — the weight of accountability to someone else — I could do much more. Yet, there I was, afraid to be by myself for two weeks on a chicken run to the fray of a new life unknown. Riding shotgun was a guy who also preferred solitude but would still be stuck on a Great Falls road if it weren’t for other people offering up a little bit of their company.

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Oversimplifying the Complex
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Oversimplifying the Complex

Human beings are a simpleminded lot. In order to make the world a bit more comprehensible, we tend to take huge, complex issues and simplify them in ways that boil it all down and appeal to our common sense.

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A Urinal Cake Was The Only Souvenir I Could Afford
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

A Urinal Cake Was The Only Souvenir I Could Afford

Did it matter that toilet water is exactly the same water that we get from the tap and drink and that urine has no germs and that the urinal cake definitely had destroyed any nastiness pee'd on it due to the extreme nature of a cake of ammonia in water? Not even a little. I had stolen a urinal cake from a theme park in Missouri and stuffed it in my pocket.

Insert your own metaphor HERE.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Do, please insert your own metaphor in the comments section of this piece. —DH)

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Keeping My Bed Sheets Clean
David Himmel David Himmel David Himmel David Himmel

Keeping My Bed Sheets Clean

I’m an evangelical of crisp, clean, smooth bed sheets. Trust me when I tell you that getting into freshly washed and pressed sheets is the second greatest feeling you can feel in your bed. And sometimes, it’s a very close second, depending on the company you’re keeping.

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