I Believe... [Trump & West Sell the Same Snake Oil]
...that with the definition of service animals to include emotional support animals (previously known as "pets"), soon there will be a new classification — emotional support animals for emotional support animals. Your nervous chihuahua with the IBS and shivers needs support, too. Get him a pet gerbil for his emotional support and every anxious person in America will begin looking like fucking Dr. Doolittle.
Dove Needs to Clean Up Its Act if it Hopes to Survive the Identity War
The idiom, “You can’t please everyone all the time” no longer holds water. Today, when it comes to product marketing, if you don’t please everyone all the time, you’re going to upset enough people so much that their digital pitchforks and torches can destroy your brand in an afternoon.
What’s the solution? The death of targeted marketing, maybe. If I were the director of copy, I’d suggest the following: “You know that bath time is precious.” Don’t specifically identify anyone other than the buyer, whomever and whatever that may be. It’s just as accurate.
Loose Chicks Featured Chick: Eileen Tull
Listen to some of her stories at the next Loose Chicks — 7:15 p.m., May 11 at Uncharted Books, 2620 N Milwaukee, Chicago, IL
It Was A Dream; [She] Was a Dream
And that tuft of hair on her mound of Venus that surrounded her lips and teased itself into a perfect curl with the perfect color. She was my ideal.
Then I saw my body, scarred — from the cesarean, fat, lined, wrinkled. It was mine. I heard a woman in the background say, Roberta’s breasts are too large. And it’s just not pretty.
You see, the people in my dreams talk, and they are not always kind.
Do Nothing. Try Something Different. Choose.
You are faced with a broken model of going about things. What the specifics of that model are are irrelevant. It simply is not working as either efficiently or pragmatically as you or everyone involved need it to be.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 29, 2018
• Ah, yes, May 4th. The day Star Wars fans make fun of people with lisps.
Humpty Dumpty Fell Off the Wall and Now Lives As a Paraplegic
An insidious side effect of social media is that, while in the world of flesh and bone I can craftily avoid those weaselly fuckers whom I find noxious and hateful, with the many fence-sitters on that Friends list, I am constantly surprised by things that remind me of them. The ease of not choosing online, of remaining detached and out of the line of fire, creates webs of connectivity with people whom we no longer want to be connected.
American Shithole #15 — Comedians Unite! Except You, Dennis
Michelle did her fucking job. She kicked all the chairs out from underneath you, you sleepy-eyed, coddled, shitgibbon enablers — and apparently you couldn’t tell ruthless political commentary from a fugly joke, if your journalistic integrity depended on it.
Puppy vs. Baby and the Myth of Unconditional Love
Someone somewhere probably said something like, “If you want to know unconditional love, get a puppy and have a baby.” That someone was an idiot.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – EPA Emergency Meeting
"Dear Lord, thank you for bestowing upon us the responsibility of being stewards of this blessed planet. We take your many gifts, like coal and oil and natural gas and money, seriously. It would be downright rude to you, Lord, to not cultivate these gifts. We believe you have a plan and trust in you, Lord, to guide us. One nation UNDER GOD! America first! Amen"
Anger and Empathy
I remember when I was very little, maybe three or four, my mother said to me, “What am I going to do with you?” I told her she could put me down the garbage chute. I imagined that was where the Sesame Street monsters lived. I thought I could live with them and that’s where I would belong. I also wanted to solve the problem for her.
Comedy Is Supposed to Be Mean Unless It’s for Morons
The simple fact is that if someone laughs, it’s funny. Like that nutty dress that some people saw as gold and some saw as blue, comedy is really in the eye of the beholder and, if you can’t take being made fun of, best to quietly hide from the rest of society, content to be left out of the discourse and live out your life pain-free.
I Believe… [Avengers: Infinity War Was RAD!]
…that Trump doesn't lie more than other presidents. Trump just doesn't give a shit if he is caught in a lie.
The Inappropriate Hackery of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is more pathetic a work event than any kind of team-building game night or scavenger hunt even the most creative HR Director can think of. If they don’t want the roast, they shouldn’t hire a comedian to headline. Hire Jared Kushner instead. He won’t say anything mean. He won’t say anything at all. Unless there are Russians in the room. But that won’t offend anyone.
Loose Chicks Featured Chick: Sharon Ammen
Listen to some of her stories at the next Loose Chicks - 7:15pm, May 11 at Uncharted Books, 2620 N Milwaukee, Chicago, IL
Debate, Engage, or Namecalling: Only One Results in Results
As time passes, the Obama Administration both looks pretty idyllic (when showcased next to the past year and change of the Reality Star Dickwaffle, the administration of Warren G. Harding looks pretty special and productive) and a overly compromised journey through Healthcare Reform (kind of) and Drone Strikes.
Nothing You Can Do About It
I met her eight years ago at Holy Cross Hospital where I worked in West Englewood. A poor people’s hospital on Chicago’s south side.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 22, 2018
• Never pity a fat man. Empathize with an obese one.
When Deprivation Becomes Deadly
At the time, I just saw him as a big, stupid fuckhole. Turns out, he was an early adopter of what is now being called an “incel.”
American Shithole #14 — Defending the Deplorables and Facing Fears
So, in your desperation, you voted for a showbiz circus orangutan whose only qualifications were that he screamed the loudest and threw shit bombs absolutely everywhere — oh, and he told you that you were special.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.