American Shithole #1 — Stephen Miller: Spork Amongst Cutlery
The talking heads are discussing today, with great enthusiasm, if it's Stephen Miller (and not the president) that’s running the show on immigration — which should mean we’ll have Miller’s resignation sometime in the next few months.
It is a remarkable feat to be the “most-despised” member of this administration, but I loathe Stephen Miller on such a visceral, base-level, that my neurons fire erratically as soon as I see his churlish, sourpuss visage. His countenance on television brings about the emotions you might expect when cleaning dog diarrhea.
Who Are You, CSI?
From Vegas to New York. From Miami to Cyberspace, the CSI franchise is responsible for nearly 800 episodes and countless DNA swabs. Not a fan of the show, though am a fan of the band responsible for all four CSI's theme music: The Who.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Building and Paying for the Wall
Me-hee-ko? They’ll pay. We’ll charge a cover charge at the border crossing. Or, even better, a membership fee! Want to enjoy the greatest country in the world? It’s going to cost you $100k a year. Love it. Call the Democrats! There’s your DACA! Now, seriously, leave.
“I Don’t Regret My Past but I Do Regret That There is Proof of It...”
“I don’t regret my past but I do regret that there is proof it.”
That statement says an awful lot about where we are in the ongoing evolution of modern society. I can hear Weinstein, Spacey and even Trump saying the same thing. I can imagine certain police officers saying it. Politicians saying it. Internet trolls saying it.
Christ, that statement could be the lasting meme that defines this particular era of social media, call out culture and unrelenting intolerance for disagreement on moralistic grounds.
Reasons I Went Home with Them: an Alphabet of One-Night Stands
A seemed tormented and sad and was into history and Existentialism and porn and played basketball and piano.
B was planning on going to nursing school, and he saved me from the guy at the bar I didn't want to talk to.
C could talk about Foucault, philosophy, and sociology at length. I guess you could say he had me at "Foucault." And he played in a band.
I Believe… [Affirmative Consent Is the Way To Go]
…that Affirmative Consent Laws this are the exact and necessary step to take nationwide. Yeah, it’ll be a huge learning curve for all sexual beings but I think we can sacrifice a tad of the spontaneity and danger of hook ups for a better standard of how to do it safely.
The Unexpected Third Wheel Experience
I always thought relationships were just nuisances. My first boyfriend was annoying. My second boyfriend was even more annoying.
My third boyfriend was — wait — this was something real. His name was Mike.
How to Redefine Normal
In order for any deviation from what the majority of people in this country consider normal to change course and become a part of a paradigm shift, it must be seen and understand as such first. To be considered normal, one must change that which is the "standard; usual, typical or expected."
When The Sandman Slumbers
The world has turned. People now have the option to avoid sleep indefinitely. A simple pill puts part of the brain in a sleep-like state while the conscious mind continues. People spend more time enjoying life, being with family, working more. On average, most only sleep once or twice a week. The manufacturers of the Awaquen pill are formulating a pediatric version of this for children over two. This will introduce night schools and better education opportunities. The world is now much more productive and fast-paced. It is a better world for everyone.
Except the Sandman.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 14, 2018
• When I hear Chicagoans complain about how harsh and foul the sub-freezing and sub-zero weather is, I think of the city’s earliest settlers. I think of their toughness, their resolve to thrive without central or radiator heat, or hand warmers or hot water heaters. And I think that Chicago’s earliest settlers were goddamn idiots for not saying, “Fuck the fur trade and this livestock shit. I’m going out west and becoming a professional surfer.”
This Hatred We Call Tolerance
Two kinds of tolerance:
1) the ability
or willingness
to tolerate something, such as
the existence of opinions or behavior
that one does not necessarily agree with;
2) the capacity to endure
continued subjection
to something
without adverse reaction.
American Shithole #0 — Introductions
I fully understand I am signing up for something that will likely offer as a return, many self-righteous kicks to my junk, public shaming, little remuneration and probably additional junk punches for a closer. For example, I am sure I will rue the day I write about Al Franken, but you know, fuck it, I’m definitely going to write about Franken.
Of course, at the breakneck speed this country is barreling toward an inescapable permanent shithole event horizon, perhaps that article will be met with an “Al who?”
Above All, Try Something (Hamlet Dies at the End, Right?)
I believe that while the planet and the humanity that populates it is increasingly complicated, we are almost always faced with two choices:
- Do the thing.
- Don't do the thing.
An awful lot of the time we choose the latter because we fear the consequences of the former.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – 1790 House Committee on Immigration Meets with President George Washington
Washington - Why don’t we ever get people from Norway stacking themselves in the bowels of ships clamoring to come to America?
Everything You Need To Think After Watching Black Mirror: Season 4
So true...
...Go tell them you love them...
...You know who...
Chicago Dibs: A Family Tradition
Rose wanted to serve a purpose. She wanted to improve people’s lives and give all that she could to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly why my paralyzed sister Rose was perfect for being a dibs space-saver.
I Believe… [If Only Trump Ended Sentences With "Meathead!"]
…that Donald Trump is like having Archie Bunker as president. Imagine the late Carroll O'Connor asking "Why would we want all these people from shithole countries when the United States should admit more people from places like Norway, Meathead." If fact, from now on, no matter what the TrumpsterFire says, I'm going to hear it in Bunker's voice and my life will be funnier.
Gentrification is a Progressive Boon
Think of how much better your life is with a neighborhood Target. You can get your clothes, your groceries, electronics and prescriptions filled all at one stop. You can’t do that at a small business shoe store or a bodega or a Radio Shack or a standalone pharmacy. And those smaller stores employ only a handful of people. Each Target employs hundreds. Sometimes those small stores are family owned and operated, so only one family makes the money. With Target, hundreds of families are able to earn money, in some cases with health benefits, too. This would not be possible without gentrification — without the renovation of a deteriorated neighborhood.
Gentrification Is Nothing More Than an Endless Land Grab
The following stories are true.
Chicago Town Pizza
Frozen pizza in the UK is in a sorry state. Exhibit A: Chicago Town Pizza. But I'm here to help fix things.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.