It's... People!
Every problem in the world is caused exclusively by terrible people. Work only gives you a half hour for lunch? Poor service at a restaurant? Long line at the DMV? The problem isn't structural to employment, food service or the government. Somebody, somewhere is saying, "Let's not spend money on that."
They Had It Comin' All Along: From Dragging Weinstein Naked from a Truck to Building a Movement
This is a reckoning. No question. A long overdue culling of powerful dick wavers and rapists. As it gains steam, the knee-jerk reaction to believe anyone leveling an accusation and desire to include any behavior counter to polite as harassment will need to subside and a bit of rationality will need to takes its place. Not right now—still too many fuck-os out there cowering in their boots, clammy hands gripping their vestigial limpidness, in need of purging—but soon.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Santa's Workshop All Company Meeting
Santa explained that the Naughty List was at its highest since 2008. Great for the coal industry. Bad for toy making.
Last Best Friend: Living With the Loss
Well, dammit, I’ve done it. I’ve done another adult thing. I think I’ve had my last best friend. Last BFF. Last ride-or-die. The last Vin Diesel to my Paul Walker.
Boners! Boners! Boners!: America’s Unexpected Historical Hard-ons
With each revelation that another powerful and popular, often beloved, man has been accused of sexual harassment, we collectively exclaim, “No way! Come on!” and ask ourselves “Who’s next?” Eventually the shock wears off giving way to accusations that aren’t just gross and likely criminal, but also strangely pathetic.
And so, allow me to present to you, recent discoveries of sexual misconduct committed by some of our most treasured figures.
I Believe... [Russiagate is a Smokescreen]
...that the need for self-expression combined with the faulty promise of access to the megaphone of social media has created a reward for disingenuous posturing and boasting of virtues best left felt rather than heard. Watching Matt Lauer do a PSA against sexual harassment is just a national example of doughy guys on Faceborg signaling their sad complicity and sorrow for having cocks.
Punishment vs. Rehabilitation: Reprogramming Our Functions
I think most people agree that there is good in this world. But not all.
However, I am certain that we all can agree that bad shit exists in this world. And furthermore, I think that we all can agree, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that bad shit also happens to exist in our worlds.
Look at All of These Freakin' BOOKS!
Here at The Ape, in addition to slapping our over-sized monkey paws on keyboards to bring you daily food for thought, fiction, poetry and general reading material for your work bathroom breaks (do they notice that you always bring your phone into the toilet?) our contributors also write books. Like whole books to read or to purchase as gifts around the holidays for the unsuspecting family member.
Epic Political Suicide Poem
Suicide plans on post-it notes
scattered on surfaces,
pieces of furniture, countertops
throughout the apartment.
Stashes of pills stockpiled,
knives sharpened, razor blades
bought in bulk, handles of
bargain brand vodka.
A cozy robe.
Should you force yourself
to wash the sheets? Change
your underwear? Does it matter?
Should you care? Could anyone
care less than you? Suicide
as backup plan when
you can’t think of anything
better to do.
Making Online Less Ugly: Our Avatars Are Reprehensible
I've read through the New York Times' "A Voice of Hate in America’s Heartland" at least four times now and that three-word sentence impacts me the most.
"Online is uglier."
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 26, 2017
• If your family doesn’t share its health history with you, you should ask. Many terrible health hardships can be avoided when you know what you may be in for. If your family refuses to be forthcoming it’s because they hate you and want you to die.
Sex, Lies & Improvisers
We were in a full blown relationship for almost a year. After his basic training his personality shifted and he started showing his true colors: a narcissistic, insecure, chauvinist. I ignored it. I held on to the beginning of our relationship, when we were obsessed with each other, having sex non stop, taking exotic vacations, talking about marriage.
Beware of the Bait & Switch in the Gig Economy
With the full knowledge that freelance work is feast or famine, dealing with the famine times is key. That means random gigs that pay but don't take up a lot of bandwidth. Substitute teaching, extra work on local television shows, dog walking, etc. are all simple ways to make a few bucks to sustain life on Earth financially.
There are, however, small-time versions of the scam - the seemingly easy gig, low-paying but with a twist. In these scenarios you are no more a human being than you were in the corporate machine and thus need to be wary.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Project Veritas
Never send a woman to do a man’s job unless she is accompanied by a man and he is in charge.
The Candy Crush Victim's Weak Cries For Help
I’ve noticed something. And I’m not advocating here, but I’ve got this game and I play it. A lot.
It demands nearly nothing at all. It kills time.
One night out of boredom I downloaded it onto my phone and it got its hooks into me right away. That ever happen to you?
A Death in the Dining Room
A man wearing a Santa Claus suit lay in the road. His body was mangled. The blood pool was still growing under and around him. His arm was tucked underneath his back and his face looked like it had been smashed in with a waffle iron. Or a Toyota Corolla.
I Believe... [Will SOME Mega-Corporations PLEASE Regulate the Internet?]
...that there is a paradox afoot when we are trying hard to get a few mega-corporations to regulate content on the internet (Faceborg, Google) and trying hard to prevent other mega-corporations from regulating content on the internet (Comcast, ATT&T) at the same time.
Let's Talk About Teacher Burnout: It's Not the Kids
For the entire time I was a teacher in CPS I would ask why. I'd watch wonderful, inspiring people get beaten down by these frustrating hows and whys and the answers that eluded us. How can we prevent public education in Chicago from degrading any further? Why can we spend money on a new ferris wheel while school budgets get slashed?
Detente is a Stupid Concept Created by The Mind of a Slow Child
"Fight fire with fire" is perhaps the most asinine thing ever said.
The literal perspective is ridiculous. You fight fire with water and by eliminating the oxygen (which is, in the firefighter's parlance "letting fire eat itself"). Imagine trying to put out a fire with a flamethrower and some gasoline and you see how dipshit the idea is.
Facebook is Making Me Depressed
Facebook is making me so depressed
I don't know if I can write this poem.
The second voice arrived on Thursday morning while Monte was attempting to make toast.