Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 11, 2021
Speaking of hell… I was recently asked if Jews believe in hell. Not that I’m an expert on all things Jewish, I was just the closest thing resembling a Jew at the time. Anyway… no. Jews don’t believe in hell. But if there was a Jewish hell, it would be Judaism’s worst having to watch that documentary about Woody Allen allegedly molesting his daughter for eternity. “Oy vey, noooooo! Why can’t we watch Annie Hall!?!?!?”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 27, 2021
Our dog is still a little too neurotic to poop in the yard and keeps crapping in the house, so basically, I just bought her a $500,000 toilet.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | The Moving Edition
There is a fine line between leadership and dictatorship. Unfortunately, we can’t find which box we packed it in.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 6, 2021
The promos for In The Heights make The Partridge Family look like Black Sabbath.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 30, 2021
Sometimes holding your liquor is just as bad as holding a feral honey badger in heat and on cocaine.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 23, 2021
Milli Vanilli had more influence over hip-hop than you want to admit. It’s okay. Accept it. Admit it.
Birthday Reflections of a Year in Lockdown
I need to pause and be proud of myself every now and again
I’ve never been one to rest on their laurels. And I’ve never been one for daily affirmations or being really proud of making little steps toward a big goal. I’m not that shallow or weak. But being asked to write for The Atlantic and the President of the United States is pretty cool—and kind of a big deal.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 16, 2021
The idea that all Jews must support whatever Israel does doesn’t quite play out logically. Let’s follow that logic. Looking at it through the lens of religion, if all Jews must support Israel then all Catholics must support pedophilia. And that’s fucking insane.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 9, 2021
I support Israel’s right to defend itself. I also support Palestine’s right to defend itself. Furthermore, I support Palestine’s justification for being pissed off for 73 years since its citizens were displaced and its land confiscated for Israel’s use. And finally, I support anyone’s right to criticize Israel’s policies and actions without being labeled anti-Semitic by the most simple of unprogressive minds.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 2, 2021
Think about it: the Full House theme song is a cry to make America great again.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 25, 2021
The most uninteresting conversations in the English language will include the following statements: “The land value alone makes it a great investment,” “Cryptocurrency is the future of financial markets,” and “I went to summer camp.”
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 18, 2021
All those kids who identified as hippies in high school in the ’90s likely never had a revolutionary thought of their own. The most dangerous thing they did was listen to a Dave Matthews tape while speeding in their Jeep Cherokees.
Revisiting the Notes on the Columbine Shooting
When Eric and Dylan murdered twelve students and one teacher, we were shocked—just like the two angry killers wanted. They also wanted the day to be remembered forever. And it will be. Because the Columbine High School Massacre is like Elvis Presley. Nothing like it came before and every mass shooting since can’t help but draw inspiration from it.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | The Dumb Blue Line Edition
Of course Derek Chauvin didn’t take the stand. Derek Chauvin doesn’t stand for anything. He kneels.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 4, 2021
Former pig police officer turned murder defendant Derek Chauvin has been taking a lot of notes throughout the murder trial of George Floyd. I bet it’s just the N-word over and over and over again.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 28, 2021
Easter has been cancelled. They found the body.
Why We Gave Our Son Away
Parenthood requires sacrifice. Lots of it. A more optimistic person might say it’s not sacrifice but compromise, and to that I say they don’t know what they’re talking about. Over the last several years, my wife and I have been parents to a wonderful little human named Harrison. He’s intelligent, strong, funny, helpful, and kind. Most of the time anyway. He’s also a three-year-old toddler so he is also erratic, neurotic, sullen, mercurial, and violent. Why, just yesterday, he slapped me across the face after telling him I loved him. In a very tiny nutshell, that right there is parenthood. You give love, you get smacked in the face.
The Nine Circles of Offense
Offense is hell. It’s angering and frustrating and confusing and sometimes it feels eternal. Like the actual Hell, which is real because people who trust the Zombie God say so (happy Easter, by the way), there are a variety of meeting places for those who have been offended. And so, I present to you the Nine Circles of Offense. And if you’ve ever been offended, you’ll understandably recognize a few having visited that circle or circles before.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 21, 2021
If equity, equality, diversity, and inclusion infringe on your religious beliefs, you and your religion are wrong. Or, you’re an asshole.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 14, 2021
Feelings are your facts. Yours and yours alone. They are not hard evidence for anyone or anything except yourself. They do matter, just not with the kind of absolution you want them to have.
...that, as we age, good footwear is more important than a girlfriend.