Microsoft Teams is the Devil’s Tool
“This is no way to pray. This is no way to send our loved one off to the Great Beyond. To Heaven? I don’t know. I’m not sure anymore. I’m not even sure I was ever so sure at all.”
Typical Fr. Harrington. Always starting his sermons with a sense of existential dread and confusion. Topped off with a sprinkle of self-doubt. He’s the Woody Allen of Catholicism. He even had a questionable relationship with an ingénue at his old parish in Portland, Maine. That’s how he ended up here. In my church.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 25, 2020
I don’t want us to go back to normal. I want us to go forward to better.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 18, 2020
Man’s worst invention was the wife.
Woman’s biggest mistake was thinking changing her husband would end well.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 11, 2020
Most of the drunks I’ve come to know are really fun and funny people. I miss carousing with and observing with their kind. It’s not COVID’s fault—it’s the fault of age, responsibility, and domestication. The silver lining is that my two-year-old son often acts and talks like a drunkard, which quenches my thirst for being among fun lunatics with bad habits.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of October 4, 2020
Mike Pence is a virgin. I know he has kids—it doesn’t matter. Mike Pence is a virgin.
Zip, Zop, ZAP! Turn The Second City into a Laser Tag Arena
This Year of Our Lord, 2020, has revealed quite a few things about us. The recurring theme is that it’s high time our greatest institutions must die. The mighty must fall. So, as someone who interned at The Second City, went through several training programs, produced plays for its stages, here’s what I suggest happen to that theater: Turn it into a laser tag facility. Call it Zip, Zop, ZAP!
You may argue that now is not the time to open a new business, what with the pandemic and all. But laser tag is the perfect pandemic business.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 27, 2020
An adherence to the Myth of American Exceptionalism is a comfort from hardships and bad day, and that which we cannot control. It is religion. It is a baby blanket. It is our emotional support animal. Its most fervent supporters and believers are our nation’s biggest babies.
It’s Time to Stop Caring About Our Country and Start Caring About Ourselves
A nation is never greater than the sum of its parts. Thinking so is, and has been, our well-followed roadmap to destruction. Because we make up the nation. We, as a collective of units, are the nation. It is not us.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 20, 2020
Fall is always in such a rush to get here. Spring refuses to leave. Summer is a fair-weather friend, and winter is a drunken old bastard with an axe to grind.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 13, 2020
The change of the seasons was far more enjoyable when I was younger. It meant a new school year, new clothes, new classes, new girlfriends. Now it means I have to put on more clothes to walk the dog.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of September 6, 2020
The seasonal change from summer to fall should depress you. It’s the sign that things are about to die. Leaves on the ground are the carcasses of nature’s annual genocide.
Notes form the Post-it Wall | Week of August 30, 2020
If archeologists happened to find the body of Christ—proof he didn’t go to heaven—that would automatically make every Christian either a Jew or a Muslim. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 23, 2020
If the police want us to stop claiming they are untrustworthy petulant children, they need to stop acting like untrustworthy petulant children.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 16, 2020
There is rarely a situation I won’t put myself in. You get a better experience at the zoo by being in the cage.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 9, 2020
Comparing tragedies and grievances often expose your passive racism. Be careful. More importantly, please be aware.
I Built You, And You Served Me Well
I was looking for you—exactly you.
Dark wood, plenty of drawers, old-timey, affordable.
My smile nearly broke my face when I found you on display in that Las Vegas Office Depot.
Three hundred bucks was the top of my budget.
You were well worth it.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of August 2, 2020
I believe we should take every step to accommodate those who have hindering disabilities. That is not to say we should carry the paraplegic up every flight of stairs because they don’t like wheelchairs.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 26, 2020
It’s time to cancel white men who wear Birkenstocks.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 19, 2020
• The polls say Biden is ahead of Trump. Why are we listening to polls? Why do we have any faith in pools? Has 2016 taught us nothing?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 12, 2020
Side-by-side refrigerators with narrow, vertical freezers are humanity’s most despicable creation. Worse than pollution, weapons of war, and blind American patriotism combined.
People stop believing in permanence because permanence stopped believing in them.