Sometimes I think people make things harder on others just to give themselves a sense of control in their otherwise chaotic and mismanaged lives. Those people need a hug. Like, smother them to death.

He sees a Luke Skywalker figurine on the shelf behind him and he moves it to the floor.

Masks are not a reliable replacement for breath mints.

Check out this comb and shears… That’s a rake and a sharp knife on the end of a stick.

Walked past the nice homeless guy who hangs around outside my 7-11. He said, “Hey, man! I love your dog, you know!” I said, “Hey, buddy! How’re you doing?” He said, “I’m proud to be American!” And that right there… There is no greater exchange to exemplify how terribly mental illness impacts the homeless community.

The religious and passively observant religious welcome spring by celebrating two of the Bible’s most violent and frightening stories. Among the abandoning and killing of children, general death and destruction, and zombies ascending to heaven, I do hope you can stop to enjoy the smell of tulips in bloom.

Humor is not a universal language. It is, by nature and design, intended for siloing. Even the greatest broad comedy has its haters. The closest thing to universally accepted comedy is Jay Leno and, c’mon, fuck Jay Leno.

Chicago self-isolation, Day 11— By now my boyfriend and I, stuck in our 400-square-foot studio, have gone through our television and movie watch-lists, stuffed ourselves with take-out, and pretty much murdered our puzzle/boardgame/book collection. Work takes up some time, but today is Saturday. We’ve been getting on each other’s nerves.

Jean-Claude Pandemic! This time it’s personal space.

I may not be a real doctor, but I still bill like one. See you in church! Or court!