A Toxic Friendship Fairy Tale
A darkly delightful tale of a hare standing up for herself against a selfish, useless, ignorant fucking bunny.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 10, 2020
A lot of people have gotten new puppies during this pandemic. Look, if you need an excuse to go outside, just start smoking. It’s cheaper and cleaner. And I’ve never had to scrub cigarette poo-poo out of a carpet.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | It’s a Date! I Think. Maybe.
He sees a Luke Skywalker figurine on the shelf behind him and he moves it to the floor.
If I Die in Hospice
In the instance where my life does not end
Me out there sailing through a sudden squall or
failing to outrun the authorities after a good-natured display of public violence
If I happen to fall victim of illness or extreme age
And die under the care of hospice,
A few things must occur
Lest I haunt this overheated watery rock for eternity
Play the hits.
Running from Grief
There’s an odd disconnect between dealing with legitimate grief and typing “budget cremation wichita” into the search bar.
I Believe… [Class Warfare Prime]
…that it’s not class warfare if you’re still ordering things from Amazon.
Trust in the Media is a Necessary Choice
I won’t tell you which sources you should trust. That’s up to you. But I will tell you that the ones you do trust should be sources that are trustworthy. Organizations and individuals that peddle rebuked reports, proven misinformation, and outright lies should not make your list. The internet may be part of the problem, but it’s also the cure. It is easier than ever to fact check and determine the credibility of your news. The thing is, you need to have a little credibility yourself.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 3, 2020
I wonder what the COVID-19 memorial will look like. No doubt it’ll dwarf the Vietnam War Memorial. My hope is that the biggest difference between the two is that Trump’s name will be one of them.
The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker
Andy disassembled his weapon with lighting speed. He packed it away in the black backpack made specifically for a weapon of this sort. He bolted to the roof access door as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. He made his way through the condo/office building stairwell without being noticed just as he had done on his way up. Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Trump Live Tweets Gettysburg Address
ILIKE WAR HEROES THAT WEREN’T KILLED..
I Like to Watch | The Invisible Man (2020)
The skill required to make these spins on both popular culture and metaphorical storytelling is one of balance.
My Sleep Cycle is for Shit These Days
Lately, I’ve been waking up at least three times a night like a bolt of electricity has been shot through me.
I Believe… [Equal Opportunity Assholes]
I believe… that an added benefit of social media in Vegas is that I can spend a solid thirty minutes every morning blocking both Critical Race Theorists and MAGA turds in equal measure!
Not Within the Realm of Reasonable Expectations
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of April 26, 2020
Our home is so filthy, there’s a 30 percent chance my beard is just a gathering of my dog’s shedded hair.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Our COVID-19 Response
Masks are not a reliable replacement for breath mints.
Yes. Enough of the Non-Witnesses in Sexual Assault Allegations
I do not believe Tara Reade.
I Like to Watch | When Superheroes Return to Real Life
I have viewed a whole slew of these Marvel stars in completely different characters and, with few exceptions, the fact that Marvel managed to hire some of our best and brightest actors to imbue the MCU with talent cannot be lost in the translation.
I Believe… [The Pandemic 15 Is Truly American]
I believe… that only in America can we experience a pandemic followed by massive unemployment and restaurants closed down and still fucking gain weight.
Coronavirus Wishes and Genocidal Dreams
Wouldn’t that be something? If COVID-19 were a divine plague like the ten popularized by Cecil B. DeMille, we’d applaud the lord’s work. Take them! Take them, Lord! Snuff them out like you did with the Flood and those pesky Egyptian slave owners! Take the Mayor Goodmans and the President Trumps and the Governor Kemps and that woman hanging out of her car window like a white trash scrub. But, above all, dear Lord Almighty, take the Instagram influencers.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.