The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The President’s Guidelines for America
If your children are sick, let their mother take care of them.
The Primary Reason I Didn’t Vote in the Illinois Primary
The primary reason I didn’t vote in the Illinois Primary yesterday—Rachel Maddow’s third best orgasm of 2020—is simple: It wasn’t important.
Our Lack of Trust is Worse Than Pandemic
“How do I quarantine without a place to fucking live?”
I Believe… [Toilet Paper? Really?]
I believe… that buying toilet paper in bulk during a health crisis may be just shy of buying duct tape in bulk prior to Y2K in complete kneejerk stupidity. It’s like people hoarding air fresheners in prep for a hurricane.
We Get the President Who Acts Like We Do
What are the qualities of a president that we could all rally behind?
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 9, 2020
Slowly but surely, if the U.S. doesn’t get its hands and head around this pandemic, it will consume us. It will destroy the markets because of fear, quarantines, and no one spending. We’ll crumble before we come out of it. And our leader is so unbelievably clueless to it. The health officials have to contradict him with the facts at every turn. Everyone thought it was a joke. Nope. Idiots. All of us. And Tom Hanks is going to die. That is our ultimate punishment.
Didn’t We Learn Anything from The Walking Dead?
Panic, like worry and fear of the unknown, is an emotion that simply does not serve us very well.
Enjoying the Perks of Novel Coronavirus COVID-19
COVID-19 is coming for our favorite food, our favorite professional sports league that doesn’t have cheating champion teams, and the one Baby Boomer white man of all America can get behind. Things seem bleak. But after spending forty years in this body and several thousands of dollars on therapy, I am well-equipped to find the silver lining in any situation. I’d tell you that I’m a positive person in moments of crisis, but I feel that telling you I’m positive in this climate would only scare you off.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Coronavirus Task Force Meeting
While you eat McNuggets, I will gladly plant my face in your tossed salad.
The Grace of Recovery: An Old Guy at the Gym
I try to stay in shape because my wife didn’t marry a toad.
I Believe… [Geriatric Politics]
I believe… that the presidential race will look like two old men fighting over a parking spot for their matching Mercedes. The undercard should be Nancy Pelosi and Judge Judy wrestling in the grocery store over the last jar of pickles.
Let’s Toast to Booze!
Human beings began creating fermented beverages some twenty thousand years ago. Alcohol has been a staple of the economies and cultures of every civilization since the advent of agriculture. It is, in part, why we are here. Today there are six hundred bottles of alcohol for every human being on earth, which means that statistically, you... are beer? I don’t know how statistics work.
Now, is any of that accurate? I don’t know. I ran out of time today and didn’t look it up. But by the end of my time here, I will convince you that booze is far superior to its slacker cousin weed. To get us started, I’d like to propose a drinking game. Every time you think I make a good point, take a drink. Every time you think I make a bad point, take two drinks, and you’ll start to realize I was right all along.
Sailors Grow Weary of the Wind
Therapists get tired of listening
Sailors grow weary of the wind
Parents are exhausted by their children
Losers become bored with trying to win.
“Colorblind” Is Not Code For “Racist“
That’s what colorblind means to me. Seeing past all the trappings of culture and recognizing that each one of us is almost exactly the same in our desires and needs. When race and culture eclipse fundamental humanity then bigots win almost every single time.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of March 1, 2020
POTUS matters. But nothing matters more than the Senate. No president—not Sanders, Biden, or Trump—can do all the good or ill they want if the Senate does its job right. If Trump wins, which he probably will, he’ll be rendered almost powerless if we can get the barnacles sucking at his disfigured taint out of office. Policy is law, law comes from legislators. Put the majority of your focus on the Capitol, not the White House.
The Fourth Meeting With Death
Death liked Nelson, but Nelson wasn’t exactly sure why. Perhaps because they’d spent a lot of time together. At their last meeting, Nelson asked Death how he was able to remember their meetings. He’d done weeks of research, trying to find others who claimed they’d met Death. He had only found whackos.
Any Fiction Can Be Written By Anyone
Who has a right to tell what pretend stories? The answer is simple: Anyone who doesn’t suck at writing.
Cummins’ American Dirt doesn’t take the story of immigrants away from actual immigrants. They have their stories. They should tell them. And here’s where the rub is: they must have the platform to tell those stories. That is, publishers ought to be looking for diverse voices. Not simply to fill a skin color or gender quota, but because diversity is a great thing for creativity. I don’t know what the publishing industry is like for a person of color. I do know that I’ve come across a lot of agents and publishers who are looking specifically for women and people of color, which rules me out. Which is why I think the diversity should be about the stories. What’s good? What’s got a new approach to a familiar tale? Perhaps that comes from fewer white men. Sure, I don’t care. That just makes me have to work harder to be better. Feels like a good challenge to have.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Trump's Perfect Call to the CDC
I just wanted to tell you that I am doing a terrific job.
Suicides and Saxophones
I went to junior high with this kid Ben Jameson*. We played saxophone together. He was always one chair ahead of me. I liked Ben. We goofed off together. He had great hair. His mom was hot, just like mine.
Monte imagined approaching the counter.
“Hello, I hear Morgan Freeman narrating my life.”