Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 20, 2018
My wife told me that while changing our son’s diaper yesterday, he reached down, grabbed his little nut sack and yanked on it. “He’s your son,” she said to me. “He’s already sitting in gum.” If you understand what she’s talking about then you know how proud my son has made me.
Loose Chicks Featured Chick: Lauren Huffman
Upcoming Shows:
May 25, 2018
8pm @ Emerald City Coffee, 1224 W Wilson Ave, Chicago, IL
June 8, 2018
7:15pm @ Uncharted Books, 2620 N Milwaukee Ave, Chicago, IL
Of The Seven, Americans Suffer Sloth More Than the Other Six
Sloth is commonly defined as laziness but that is not the Deadly Sin. The deadly sin is that of spiritual or emotional apathy. And America is an entire country filled with apathy. In our search for things to be easier, for things to be faster and more convenient, we stopped giving a shit. Sloth is, simply put, no longer caring enough to put in the effort.
American Shithole #17 — The Beautiful Things: Taxi
I asked a group of friends recently, “What is your go to for a feel-good television show?” The answers were as varied as you might imagine. I’d been looking for something to comfort me during a time of stress and sickness, and eventually I settled on an under-appreciated effort from my childhood — dark days require comfort and sanctuary, and there is no sanctuary quite like nostalgia.
Life is a Highway...
I like to drive. I like the freedom that hopping in the car and just heading out somewhere allows. My parents are currently on a random road trip through the western United States and the trip is classic in that they have no clue where they’re headed until the date before. Driving for hours to land at a hastily booked motel and seeing America. I love that.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - EPA Water Contaminants Closed Meeting
Pruitt: Tell my security team we’re going to Chi-town. This is very important. People are going to say I’m wasting tax payer money, this is just not true. Get me a penthouse suite at Four Seasons. We will use the hot tub to test the water quality. I’m willing to soak my dainty ass in tainted water for my country. Also, get me box seats for a Cubs game. We should test the beer. Get me reservations at Girl and the Goat. We should test both girls and goats for lead. Woo-hoo, we’re going to Chicago!
What’s Really Bothering Me About These School Shootings
I identify with that anger.
I don’t think anyone knew how really deeply angry and miserable I was throughout my entire childhood and adolescence.
And it was so hard to get free of that environment.
That back and forth between the two prisons of home and school.
I Shot My Dog in the Eye and All He did was Love Me More
“I broke him. I broke Eddie. His eye is loose in his head. He’ll never be able to take a cute photo again. He’s a freak! He’s broken! He’s probably blind. This is why… Do you see? This is why I can’t be a father. I’m going to break my kids and I… I can’t handle that. I can’t handle this. OH GOD! Eddie! I’m so sorry! Katie! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!”
I Believe… [Let People Enjoy the Goddamn Wedding, Already!]
…that, while I didn't watch the latest Royal Wedding, I'm not going to piss all ver people who love that stuff. The bitterness and acrimony of people who can't do anything but take a dump on someone enjoying the idea of romance and love in our crushingly depressing times is just more dung on the heap.
Whatever Happened To That Bald Eagle Metaphor?
First of all, I didn’t choose the bald eagle as a symbol for America. Some other blowhard with a quill pen did that. Famously, Ben Franklin thought that the turkey would be a better metaphor. In a letter to his daughter Sarah, in 1784, he explained how he saw the bald eagle as a coward and a thief. He thought the turkey was braver and more honest. So now we have to unpack even more metaphors.
Lean Cuisine Brings Both Liberation and Sadness
So convenient. I don’t like to cook.
So why should I have to? It takes
time and planning and organization
and executive functioning.
I forget to eat all the time.
I’ve got other things to do
and think about. Takes five
minutes in the microwave.
Dinner is quick. Grab a fork
and go back to looking
at the computer while I eat.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Advice to My Brother and His Fiancé on their Wedding Day Edition
• Go to bed angry. It’s always better to finish the fight in the morning with a clear head.
The Rise of the Ubiquitous Cult Of Personalities: Lil Tay is the Rule Rather Than the Exception
Arguably, our anserine president is only in the Oval because of his cult of personality and that is the harshest truth to swallow. So many in the world are celebrating their mediocrity, placing the highest of values on the least amount of skill or craft, seeking fame and notoriety for just being themselves, that we elected exactly who they strive to be and the irony of that fact is completely lost on them.
American Shithole #16 — The Lord of the Rings and Beautiful Things
I foolishly thought I was done being surprised by this embarrassing presidential failure of epic proportions only America could muster, but we have dropped trou for all the world to see — and the festering boils on our wrinkled, flaccid democracy are cause for retching from here to Timbuktu.
I Dated a Woman for Her Legs and Stayed with Her for Her Cat
Mogley was just like his mother, the moment I stopped trying to get the cat to love me, he began to love me.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Funny Comic About to Make Unfunny Movie Meeting with Studio Executives
FRANK: Script schmipt! We could turn the cameras on you and just have you be funny for 88 minutes.
They Didn’t Vote For Trump. They Voted Against Us
Like me in high school, we aren’t learning that that smugness doesn’t win elections it merely makes us feel warm and fuzzy as if our ineffectual resistance will be noted by future historians as somehow significant when figuring out how to persuade those out in the world of real, flesh and bone humans separate from the avatars of the digital world that perhaps we might be able to work together for the better of everyone.
Crushed at Work
I have had at least one work crush everywhere I have been employed. The most successful crush blossomed into a three year relationship where we lived together and shared two dogs. We have since split, but I have fond memories of our time together.
How our relationship came to be is another story.
This Is What Heaven Is Like
I breathed in the scent of her, the peace and vibrancy of her spirit. I had a powerful feeling then, so strong that it echoes in me still, and I know I’ll always come back to this one perfect day. I thought, “This is exactly what heaven is like.”
I Believe… [Stop Calling the Cops on Black People, OK?]
...that calling the police should be reserved for genuine emergencies. Anyone who calls the police because they are uneasy or uncomfortable or slightly suspicious should be fined. It's a trigger that should be, like all fucking triggers, only pulled when all other options are exhausted.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.