American Shithole #13 — Sean Hannity's Pain Is My Coping Mechanism
It was still a beautiful day; immediately made all the more beatific, as Sean Hannity’s universe was suddenly shat upon by life’s equivalent of an elephant anus to the face, at point blank range.
Nothing Good Ends in "oma"
It's not easy learning you have a tumor. There will be pain, even if it's completely harmless.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Buy War Bonds!
Grab ‘em by the stars and stripes. Support our troops! Let’s all fight! For freedom’s sake!
Finding Carl Kasell
“Has anyone seen Carl?”
The question chilled the blood in my chest. Anne, Tyler and I were up on the third balcony, placing Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! gift bags and Carl Kasell dolls on every one of the 1,850 seats in the Warner Theater. In three hours, every seat would be filled by fans looking to see and celebrate the final taping of the show with Carl as the Judge/Timekeeper.
Below, onstage, the cast and crew were running through a technical rehearsal — running jokes, testing microphones, adjusting lights.
And Carl was nowhere to be found.
The Boy Who Gave Up
He’s encouraged to live this way. He’s been told by his family that he has a heart condition and exercise could kill him. Even though they buy him energy drinks daily. But if he’s home constantly, all the family can leave their kids with him.
I Believe... [You Aren’t Boycotting Starbucks...]
...that, while the woman calling the cops to arrest the two black men in a Phillie Starbucks is complete and utter anal weeping, you aren’t boycotting Starbucks any more than you are deleting your Faceborg account or boycotting the NFL. And what would happen if you did? Would Starbucks cease to hire marginally racist white women as managers — in Philadelphia?
Couplea Jerk Poets: In Conversation with Nic Souder
Chicago native Nic Souder is one of those people for me. A podcaster, a poet, poetry show host, visual artist and acquaintance (not at all in that order). One whom I admire because he manages to use his darker experiences and the everyday to lace everything he touches with a kind of mad hipster magic.
He was gracious enough to let me steal him away after work for a few beers and a long chat, heavily abridged and presented here in celebration with National Poetry Month, about process and other creative curiosities…
Loose Chicks Featured Chick
Loose Chicks featuring Emily Belden
April 27 -- 8PM -- Emerald City Uptown
To a Woman Approaching Her First Spring as a Fifty-Year-Old
So you just turnedfifty,
the big five-0!
Say it softly.
You don’t want your nosy neighbors
to know.
Singing the Most Common Song in America
The myth proliferated by the government and media and those whose interests align with keeping money out of the hands of the masses is that the homeless are either mentally ill, criminals, drug addicts or stupid.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — It's All About Dogs!
• While my son is growing on me, I’d still trade him in for a puppy. Even a puppy can play fetch. My son sucks at fetch. And even though I understand it would require my wife to have fucked a canine, I was moronically hoping that she’d give birth to a puppy. But most of all, I wish that my son and Eddie could have shared some snuggles.
My Emotional Support Strategy Isn't as Cute as a Puppy
I am now at war with the Chicago Transit Authority, Target and United Airlines for denying me my right to utilize my emotional support strategy and generally discriminating against myself and those countless people who have the same ailment but have been silenced by a marginalizing oppression due to archaic views of the human body.
American Shithole #12 — Michael Cohen: Tain't Misbehavin'
Not enough people are making jokes about the taint team, by the way. I was expecting more taint humor this week, but all we got were assholes. “More Taint, Less Asshole” is my new motto. I think it would make a fine t-shirt with an inappropriate image of our disaster-in-chief.
A Bad Cruise Vacation Turns Gripes to Gratitude
Did you know that on a cruise ship food and drink are not available whenever you want? Also, did you know that when you are on a gargantuan ship it means a three-mile walk just to go from your room to, oh, anywhere? Waiting in line for everything while holding a sweating and screaming toddler isn’t as restful as it may sound. And having her cry through magical excursions that cost more than a mortgage payment nearly caused me to launch myself overboard.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Witch Hunters Union of the New America
Rev. Parris – The most devious sign to look for in a witch is their insistence that they are not guilty and that this is some kind of witch hunt.
Excerpt from an Anger Journal
Even if your angry interpretation of the situation is morally and factually correct, maybe you need to add more details and information to the angry story you are telling.
Creepy Old Guy
I don’t know how I missed you being a creep from the start. Your park ranger hat and fake limp should have given it away. But, I was blinded. I was blinded by compassion toward your loneliness. I felt for your sad life. Per your description, your 65 years on Earth was without family or real connection to another human being. Your vulnerability in opening up and telling our a Capella group how you have not had a place to go for the holidays in decades broke our hearts.
Stigmata Nation: The Martyr Complex is Complete
All of America, from sea to motherfucking shining, oil-polluted, used condom-filled sea, is obsessed with bitching about how hard their lives are.
I Believe... [It Didn’t Snow in Cancun]
...that if your perception of Mexico and Mexican people specifically comes from the media, you need to take a trip to Mexico. Trust me, you’re wrong. Beautiful country, beautiful people. Trusting your media-fed perspective is like trusting Trump about Chicago.
Morality: Past, Present and Future
I’m not trying to incite class warfare. Just class awareness. You can forgive and not forget. You can love the sinner and hate the sin. And in this new morality, you can love your enemy but also not stand for their bullshit.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.