Reports of My Death...
I’m in Cancun, Mexico with Dana as you read this. Which means I can’t grab you for coffee or a sandwich right now. Because I’m lounging in the sand with the most most wonderful human being in the known universe.
That said, when we get back, expect an invitation to spend some time. In person. Like humans are supposed to do.
"Here's My Heart": Braid's 'Frame & Canvas' Turns 20
The songs were about being in a state of certain uncertainty. A place of transition with the balls to step up and have no fear of fucking it all up. The songs were about girls and friends and getting older and being younger and parents and longing and having and missing and distance and places and things and giving a shit and not giving a shit at all.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 1, 2018
• On the first of the month, I engage in that superstitions tradition of saying “rabbit, rabbit” when I first wake up, before I say anything else. When one does this, one is resigned to have good luck throughout that month. On Sunday, April 1, 2018, the first thing I said was not, “rabbit, rabbit.” I said, “Fuckinggoddammit, Harry! What is your fucking deal? I just changed you. You just ate. Is it gas? Do you have to fart? Jesus fucking Christ, calm down, please!” As a result, I’m gravely concerned over what my luck will be like this month.
I Got My Mother Stoned and Now She is Gone
We sent her down to the front side walk, which was a little tricky to get to, I admit. We were hoping for pictures of all the birthday party attendees wrapped around and hanging off the railings. It took her a very long time to hit bottom. She kept stopping and yelling “Am I there yet?”
American Shithole #11 — Scott Pruitt: Ambien From Oklahoma
Never has there been a more boring villain in the Trump rogue’s gallery, than this litigious Jesus freak. Reading a bio piece on Scott Pruitt is like reading a 40-page white paper on the chemical properties of Vaseline.
To Bro, With Disregard: Substitute Teaching in the New World
After a solid 12 years out of the public school teaching workforce, I'm infrequently back to substitute teaching for charter schools. Once or twice a week, balanced by events work, Literate Ape work, podcasting and pretending to be a reporter on Chicago Med. Not because I have any interest in rejoining the profession but because I got the damn degree and freelance work sometimes leaves some down time. Gotta make a few bucks while you can, amirite?
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room
Rosanne - With Jackie mortally wounded, I can be at her deathbed and her last words to me are, “You were right.” And I say, “I was alt-right.”
New Study — American Darwinism and the Narrowing Survival of the Dumbest
The speed at which the human species is evolving has led to a splinter effect leading to the discovery of four new sub-species of Homo sapiens: Homo dumbassness, Homo exploitus, Homo regressiveleftist, and Homo balanceintelligence. These four sub-species are in a battle of of evolutionary might yet unseen, and it is apparent through careful consideration and historically-based common sense that only one will survive by proving its adaptability and fitness for survival in these modern times.
REVERSALS: Rebecca is Almost Always Right
As Dracula stood centerstage, surrounded by the bodies of his victims, and the first piano strains of “I Will Survive” chimed in, the audience started giggling again already exhausted from laughing their asses off for a straight hour. By the time he was fully into the song, glorious in his Richard Harris singing style, the crowd was clapping on the beat and the place was on fire.
I Believe… [I Have Risen]
...that nothing speaks to how clueless and discompassionate we are as people than the immediate chattering of Starbucks customers following a homeless man wondering into the coffee shop barking “Can anyone help me? I’m hungry!”
My 12-Step Guide to Being a Badass
1. I admitted I was powerless over all the excruciating bullshit in the world—that the life I was expected to live according to straight society was unmanageable, and not a life I wanted to live anyway.
Don Hall 1966–2018 — An April Fool's Obit
Don Hall has died. He was 52 years old.
An April Fool's Commitment
April Fools’ Day is like my dad’s Christmas, his Super Bowl, his Cubs winning the World Series. "Face it. I’m the best prankster. I’ll go to the ends of the earth to make it the best. Next year I burn down the house."
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of March 25, 2018
• Easter was canceled. They found the body.
Stevie
My son Paul was starting to come through. His cocky smugness began to vanish. The good kid I knew that was deep down inside him was starting to peek out from behind his veneer of twelve-year-old arrogance.
American Shithole #10 — Sports and Politics
Shared interest in a sports team is a great way for two disparate people to find common ground. In America, many fathers and sons have relied on this fact for more than a century. At the end of the day though, it’s still a bunch of folks playing bouncy ball, or batty ball, or kicky ball, or throw that ball, and I’m not going to make small talk about sports with you, just to save you the embarrassment of defending your shitty ideas about the current state of American politics.
On Avoiding Hysteria in Hysterical Times
"I think you might have bed bugs," she said. She had spent the night and when I took her home, she had gone back to sleep. When she woke up, she had welts all over back and arms. It seemed unlikely to me that that had come from my bed because I never had any bug bites. I slept in that bed every night and no bites, so I figured they must have come from someplace else.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Batman Gets Kicked Out of The Justice League
Batman – Sorry I didn’t come from another planet like you, or that I’m not some meta-human freak, or a woman. I have money and I have bullets. And a cool car.
In the Springtime of My Dystopia
There were signs. There were warnings.
We were too in love to pay much attention.
It was merely some background noise,
some clatter, inconvenient clutter.
What were those politicians droning on about?
Overly made-up talk show hosts harping on about
nonsense, trivialities, invented crises.
Grown men wearing the flag like a toga
or burning it in acts of performance art largesse.
Meet The Chicks Behind It All
Loose Chicks is a collection of courageous women who share experiences that most women keep to themselves. Each show features six exceptional writers and performers who allow themselves to be vulnerable as they share with uncommon honesty. Producer Roberta Miles and co-producer Jillian Erickson are The Chicks behind it all.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.