Serving Tacos to a Serial Killer in Training
And then I looked into the boy's eyes.
Not like a creepy thing — it wasn't as if I had to. It was as if I couldn't help it. For the boy's eyes were dead, malevolent, like an evil, lifeless doll or something. And I realized I was serving tortilla chips to a budding Jeffrey Dahmer.
I rationalized. Someone, somewhere, had to have served a glass of iced tea to John Wayne Gacy, right? Ed Gein probably was served breakfast at some diner by someone, yes?
I Believe… [The Power of the People = Rich White Guys for Governor]
…that when we have yet another election for Illinois governor between two white billionaires, we need to re-evaluate our strategies in convincing the population to vote for better. The "aren't we cool and progressive" smugness, the angry moralizing , and the appeals to be humane for all citizens don't seem to be working...
Illinois Democrats Just Reinforced Their Level of Idiocy
For a state with democrats who really hate President Donald Trump and their current GOP governor, Bruce Rauner, they sure did elect a democratic gubernatorial candidate a lot like them both. Illinois democrats elected J.B. Pritzker because Illinois democrats are idiots. This isn’t breaking news but it’s news worth reminding ourselves of because there’s a new twist to the idiocy.
A Few Pieces of Unsolicited Advice to Young Prince Harry Himmel
I'm old. I mean, way older than I look. I'm older than your grandparents even though I look younger than your dad. Old can mean decrepit and gassy but it can, in the best cases, mean wise. So, below is a stab at the latter for you.
Lives That Science Claimed: A Piece of Radiological History
Though the early deaths of Clarence Dally and Marie Curie were unnecessary and tragic, they did not die for nothing. Clarence Dally helped the world to realize the negative effects of radiation exposure, and Marie Curie gave the world courage to use radiation when needed.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of March 18, 2018
• Never mistake a lack of enthusiasm for a lack of care. Sometimes displaying enthusiasm is the same as walking into battle with your flak jacket in the Jeep and your shirt wide open.
The Answers to All the Great Mysteries Are Found in the Laundry
within the simple task of gathering up your smelly socks and the pair of jeans with the ketchup stain near the crotch and hopefully using that Tide Pod for its intended use is the all important, elusive Meaning of Life.
American Shithole #9 — Robert Mercer, Part One: Cambridge Analytica
American Shithole has its own crack team of investigative journalists, and our operatives — working deep undercover — were able to procure a top secret list of other gifts and services Cambridge Analytica reserved for its highest paying clients.
The Mass Shooters Secret Weapons
Mass shooters possess three secret weapons that will always give them the upper hand.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Poor People Meet to Get Out the Vote
COMMUNITY ORGANIZER - Look, there are way more poor people than rich people in this country. The rich people are controlling our government. We can vote for people who genuinely care about us. People who don’t own more than one house. People who remember what it is like to be poor and want to help.
HECKLER #1 - Help others? Sounds like commie talk.
Betty Boop Shaves Her Legs and Hooha for Her Big Date
"Oh, I have to hurry up and get ready for my date with Mr. Wonderful. I just wish he had given me more notice. That would have been more considerate than this boop-oop-a-doop booty call. I have to take a shower and shave my legs and everything down there and clip my nails and fix my hair and put on my stockings and fix my makeup and change the sheets and clean the bathroom and the kitchen and tidy up and put the condoms on the nightstand. Where's the lube?"
The Long Road to the Trump Presidency and Where We Go From Here
On the ListServ (a prehistoric version of Faceborg and Twitter) you find a thread espousing the new GOP-driven “Contract with America.” Users with fake names espousing the “Taking Back Our Streets Act” and the “Personal Responsibility Act” and conspiracy theories about then President Bill Clinton and his “manly” First Lady.
“Who pays attention to this shit?” you ask after perusing the thread for three hours. The irony is lost on you.
I Believe… [Poor People Remind Us the System is Screwed]
…that Americans hate the poor because poor people remind them how rigged the capitalist system is against anyone not born into wealth. No one wants some smelly, homeless former public school teacher demonstrating the thinness of the ice one stands upon.
I Love My Job; I Hate My Job
fantasy world pink and purple paisley hearts and stars and flowers
dolls and children and excitement and joy and love in abundance too much in abundance where can it all go this is what people are like before they are destroyed by life and education and bad parenting and institutional authority and medical atrocities and war
The Wrong Side of the Rainbow
Lauren, even from an early age, was incredible. Even now, when she sets her mind on something, she’s going to make that shit happen. She got it in her head one St. Patrick’s Day that she was going to catch herself a leprechaun. A bona-fide, emerald green leprechaun! And she was going to catch it by building a state-of-the-art leprechaun trap.
Does the Character of the Artist Taint the Art?
Turns out that Krafft is a Holocaust denier and a White Nationalist. Progressive art lovers everywhere spent vast amounts of wealth buying his "ironic" pieces only to find out that he wasn't really being ironic at all.
If you bought his kitchy "Hitler Idaho" teapot and thought it was an ironic joke and, in your subjective opinion, displayed the teapot as a provocative piece of dark humorous art, does the realization that the artist is a raging lunatic with hatefully poisonous beliefs change the teapot?
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of March 11, 2018
• If you respond to my LinkedIn post requesting the services of a proofreader and your website has a typo in the first sentence you will break my heart. You will also not get the job.
My Unborn Child is an Inconsiderate Little Jerk and I Can’t Wait to Get My Hands On Him
So, here we are. Waiting. Unsure of what to do. We keep doing all the things that can start and speed up labor like walking and massaging and having sex with spicy food. At this point, our lives are completely out of our hands and at the whims of the ungrateful terrorist holding my wife’s body and my need for a second scotch hostage.
American Shithole #8 — Betsy DeVos: Just Like Mom
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from DeVos — American education’s evangelical Betsy Ross — sewing her particular brand of plutocratic dominion posing as conservative Christian education reform, into the national fabric of the public school system. I imagine her gently rocking in her chair up in Michigan (where she destroyed the public school system on a state level), just a harmless old grandma, doing the lord’s work from her front porch.
It Must Be Dorito’s Fault I’m a Bag of Suet in a Pair of Overstuffed Skinny Jeans
So, in the debate over whether we are addicted to our smartphones or social media, it makes no difference if we are addicted, manipulated, or just weak-willed, the results are still exactly the same: a compromised democracy, the highest teen suicide rate in recorded history, a dwindling attention span and a slow disconnect from humanity in favor of the humanity as represented on a glass screen.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.