Crashing a Gig in a Small Supper Club
By now the piano player hates the trumpeter. The stage has become a hostile environment. Soon it will be time to wake up the bass player. I just want to get off the stage. It's my turn again. We are just about to wrap up my song and people start screaming.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - The PepsiCo Lady-Friendly Foods Initiative
Burritos can be very messy. No lady wants to get refried beans on her delicate blouse. We are pitching to Taco Bell...The Femito. It’s a burrito with a straw.
To Communicate Across the Divide, You Need to Learn the Language
While in Fiji, I ate dog. And it was delicious.
A Lovely So Real: An Ode to Smoke
The thing for those civilians out there to get wrapped around their brain stems is that it isn’t about the nicotine. It’s about the smoke. The feel of it, incandescently winding it’s way into your mouth and down your pipes. Exhaling it into slow curls into the night air.
I Believe… [If You Appropriate, Pay the Toll]
…that cultural appropriation is best addressed by making sure those cultures appropriated are handsomely paid for it. Even then, it's iffy but economic redress is concrete rather than an apology.
How to Jump Out of a Plane and Survive
What does it take — aside from some cash — to commit to jumping out of a plane flying at 13,000 feet?
A Half Century Plus Two: Lessons of my 52nd Year on the Planet
The sheer number of lessons learned from 52 is kind of ridiculous. Some years yield a few solid rules of thumb as I hitchhike down the road of life, others hand me a stream of unending guideposts to keep in check like a consistent smack in the back of the head. It leaves a five-inch section of my skull numb and bleeding and a headache in my left eye from my brain being bounced around.
While I feel a bit like a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot with the head sprung up, I’m still standing and thus the categorization of lessons learned and heeded for the future begins.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 28, 2018
• I know a guy who sported a man bun for several years including years long after it was (miraculously) considered cool. He recently cut his hair and holy shit! He was bald under all of that long filthy hair. There’s nothing wrong with being bald but there is something really funny about growing your own toupee.
The End of the World Is Fictional… For Now
Post-apocalyptic fiction is one of my not-so-guilty pleasures. I recently read Year One by Nora Roberts. The story really jives with my dystopian-loving heart. Most of us have sat in our safe little societies and daydreamt about what our world would be like if it all came unglued. It’s a casual study of humanity under the ultimate duress. What would we really do if the world were ending?
American Shithole #2 — How Deep Is Our Shithole?
Ugh, what a week already.
I have entertained adding the occasional silver lining/ray of sunshine to a column that could likely depress more often than elate. This would require a subheading. American Shithole: Turds of Wisdom, or American Shithole: Kernels of Truth, perhaps.
Or, American Shithole: I Just Can’t, Today.
A Frenemy's Kind Words and Last Laugh
They were all from Michigan. Detroit area but not the city proper because they were white women, and white women don’t live in Detroit city proper. They were in Las Vegas for a girls’ weekend. Weezy and I got past the pleasantries. I asked the question she was always asked: “Is Weezy your real name?” Her real name was Linda. But she hated that name so she went by Weezy. I don’t remember where the Weezy name came from. I may have asked her if she was asthmatic. I don’t know. It was a long time ago and there was a lot of free vodka making the rounds. The name fit her. She was short — “fun size,” she told me — with short brunette hair. She was silly and smart. I liked Weezy. And I dug her polka dot skirt.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Beautiful Clean Coal!
Trump Coal-Powered Rocket Ships – We’ll put Elon Musk out of business!
The Indelible Brand of Shame | A Society of Scarlet Letters
Not long ago, a woman reached out to Literate Ape about a picture of her on our site. She claimed she had been abused by a boyfriend and had been coerced into going to Neo-Nazi rally. There was a photo. After a short ethics wrestle, we took the photo down.
The Daily Banter, on the other, hand, not only left it up but exposed the woman's name, uploaded a provided recent photo (we were sent a few of these selfies but refused to run them) and ran a story about it entitled Dressing Up Like a Nazi is Forever.
Don't Be A Biff
Regardless of what the actual reality is, all generations need to see the error in thinking this way and speak up to people that express sentiments such as these. Break the mold. Change the future. Create examples of compassion and kindness for younger generations, who may then escape unmarred by such outdated thinking.
I Believe.. [Nikki Haley was Humping a Bag of Maggots]
…that the only must-see event that eclipses The Greatest Showman as revisionist make 'em up but hysterical historical fiction is the Trumpster's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. I'll be watching it with The Greatest Hits of the Tijuana Brass playing in the background.
Callout THIS Culture: Femme Fatales, Don't Unite
If we are ever to get out from under this “fairer sex/nurturer” stereotype, desperate measures are perhaps required. I see you marchin’ so I know you know how to get out into the streets.
Act now while the initial investment can pay in dividends. Concealed carry isn’t just for bros anymore. This means you too, Mom.
The Lies We Tell To Just Get Out of Bed Every Morning
"If only [this thing] were true, my life would be so much better."
Man, are we all full of shit.
Setting up expectations and promisary notes of happiness or fulfillment or peace is natural but we, the Essential Human, fuck it up every single time.
What’s Your Obsession With That Word, Whitey?
My issue is this: why do you have this obsession with that word? Why do you want to be allowed to say it?
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of January 21, 2018
• Vince McMahon is bringing back the XFL. I attended an XFL game in Las Vegas back in 2001. It was the third saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The first saddest thing was my dead dog. The second was the last time I had sex with an ex-girlfriend and her naked body reminded me of her father in a bathing suit.
Natural Causes — Part II
On the ninth month after Joe had died of natural causes, Mary was in St. Francis reciting her novena for the dead, quiet like, lips moving, nothing coming out, holding her rosary. A shadow crossed her sightline to Jesus. She looked up, lips still moving, thumbing the beads.
"God bless you."
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.